Monday, December 6, 2010

Harry Potter in Summary.

Harry Potter is a young boy kept under the stairs of his uncle's home like a Vietnamese sex slave who escapes into a world of magic where he is special and the scar on his head is a trophy and not a mark of abuse. Where he rides a broom and there are giants flying on motorcycles, magic wand fights, and things called horcruxes... come to think of it the general plot of Harry Potter sounds like watching that episode of Diff'rent Strokes with Dudley and the Bike Shop while on an ether binge.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Random thought 0930

She stank like memories, like hand-rolled cigarettes and the fancy booze that comes in plastic jugs with E-Z pour spouts.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Good Morning Starshine

Jubilee looked out the window this morning at the sun just starting to rise and proclaimed loudly, for all to hear, "Today is a Purple Day! I love Purple Days!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Not Really Impossible as Much as Random.

  1. The most polite way to say it is that my sandwich is "undertasty"
  2. Things are never as they seem, they're rarely as they should be, but if you reach down deep they are almost always the way they feel.
  3. The smell of fear changes by context, today it the acrid odor of flopsweat and recycled peanuts.
  4. I'm a hard headed man who is brutally handsome looking for a lady who is terminally pretty.
  5. On Pantsless Saturdays, is it socially acceptable to wear suspenders on your underwear?
  6. If you have seen proof of the existence of Evil, are you obligated to believe in the existence of its opposite?

Thursday, August 5, 2010

The Old In/Out

  1. Porn is like Tums. It's not like you don't love the delicious food anymore, and you certainly aren't going to stop eating it, but you just need to relieve a little pressure.
  2. How about I jam my digital into your analog input?
  3. One advantage of wearing your underwear backwards is that the flaperature has an alternative use.
  4. Let's put our bags together and do some fat lines of woman.
  5. When I win the lottery, I'm turning my house into a Wunderkammer
  6. All that separates Them from Us is thinking there is a Them.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Sleepyhead, 5 toes, and a fever

The Butterfly Effect. It's a terrible movie and a worse sequel but a fascinating concept. Here's the story of how a sleepyhead, 5 toes, and a fever can change they way you view the world and your importance in it.

Last week was a rough one for my wife, Sally. She had to put down a beloved cat, Sugar Ray. she invited some friends and their kids over for pizza, partially in an effort to soothe the soul and just entertain. A household filled with women and young girls is becoming a more common occurrence than ever before. So we filled bellies full of pizza and the little girls played and screamed and ran around. The ladies talked and laughed and commiserated on loss. I must say that the loss of any beloved member of the family, human or animal, brings me back to my Dad. But more on that later...

For my part in the evening, I brought home the pizzas and tried to stay out of the way. It would be rude to hole up someplace and watch TV, but I have plenty of viewing interests that might also interest the kids. I put on one of Miyazaki's animated masterpieces called My Neighbor Totoro and the kids played on. One little girl wasn't feeling well. She had a fever and we'd given her some Tylenol around dinner time. So with that, she was the first to sit and watch. As the night wore on, my daughter Jubilee started to check-in with me as she got more and more tired. She'd come sit for a minute or two before barreling off into the wilds with the other girls. The shyest and youngest of them all, the one least likely to let go of her Mom for more than a minute, found her way next to me on the couch.

Next to me, is not entirely correct. The sleepyheaded little one melted into my arms on one side as Jubilee melted into the other. Now the four of us, we watched the movie together. Soon the eldest daughter and her friend found themselves engaged by the movie and parked themselves on the couch to watch. With the last burst of nervous energy, a tickle fight erupted between the 5 girls in myself resulting in screams at dangerous decibel levels, and hiccups caused from laughter.

As we sat on the couch in front of the TV gasping for breath, the two littlest ones sank back into their flanking positions. Surprisingly the eldest daughter, the rule follower and caretaker of her sisters when they're not at home, she snuck her foot under my hand. I thought nothing of it, we were all mashed together on the couch, but whenever I would readjust my sitting position her toes would wiggle themselves under my hand.

As the fever abated a bit, the middlest girl scooted in wanting to sit closer and get tickled more and be a part of this nest of people in the corner of the super-sectional. And for a brief moment there was a dog-pile of kids, one mine and 4 not, all sitting very close and watching Japanese animation. And for just a second everyone in this corner of the world was content.

At the time I thought not much of it, but those butterfly wings flapped that night. It occurred to me that these little girls, for whatever reasons they had and I doubt they understood it themselves, these girls needed me. I didn't do anything, I thought. I did nothing heroic or premeditated. I had opened my home and was simply available. When they needed a warm place to sit or a warm body close to sit by, I was a body.

And that is what started me thinking. Thinking about a lot of things. Thinking about how maybe sometimes love isn't an activity or something you have to work so hard at. Sometimes love is just about being there. Sometimes affection isn't a hug or a kiss or a present, it is sharing the warmth of your arms or the couch-cushion. Sometime feeling safe is every bit as important as a full belly or a warm bed.

It made me think that all these immeasurable qualities and skills are often the understated and undervalued domain of Daddy. A man who offers his strength without imposing it. A man who offers unconditional love, not because you're his kid but because you're a kid in his house. A man who offers safety without locking you in and them out. These are not the qualifications a Father, maybe not even a Dad, but to a little kid this man is Daddy.

And it wasn't possible to recognize it until I became a Daddy - or at least I think I am. But it also makes the little boy in me miss his own.

That night as they left for there own homes, I got hugs and squeezes from them. Not the kind you tell your kids to give uncles and aunties at Thanksgiving. The kind of hugs that last a little too long for polite company. The kind of hugs that let you know that you are appreciated. The kind of hugs that wake you up in the middle of the night in the middle of the week wondering... How come everybody doesn't want to feel that way?

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Safe travels, buddy.

Here's my one big impossible thing to believe in today.

When we close our eyes for the last time in this world, we open them again in a magical place not too far away. For any of the good-hearted people in this world and their beloved pets, there is a way to this place. You already know how to get there... second star to the right, and straight on till morning. The tough part is finding that second star. When it's time you find it. Neverland.

It's a place where we can live free and young without worries or careYour birthday comes around once a week and it’s Christmas every day. Renewed for an eternity in the moment of greatest joy, strongest in the heart and the limbs. We'll awake again to find the spring in our step, the jump in our haunches, the speed of our claws, the glimmer of our scales, the wind beneath our wings. Where cats and dogs and birds can live in the freedom they longed most for in life and the safety they deserve in their second.

As a Lost Boy or Girl or Pet we'll play hard and court danger, but ultimately prevail. Surrounded by the bluest water, you're never more than a day between two places. It's an island pushed up to the surface by imagination, it has a lagoon with flamingos flying over it, a place with many more suns and moons than our world. Where time winds and unwinds like a toy clock, but never runs out.

From the peak of its only mountain you can see anything, everything, and things beyond belief. Where you can swim in a hidden cove with mermaids, or fly with fairies (and the help of a happy thought), travel silently across the land with indian guides, wear your favorite Halloween costume forever. In Neverland, our domestic animal friends travel proudly alongside lions and tigers and bears, but never behind. Where the couch-backs are high and comfy for feline friends to look down regally feeling invincible... because they are. Where every bone is meaty and never gets lost when buried. Where preening is a way of life.

This is the place where treasures untold lie underneath X's, and gopher holes are never empty, you never have to clean your room or put your toys away, where the breeze blows gently and the birds fly slowly, and there are plenty of sunbeams for everyone. This is the place where troubles melt like lemondrops and every adventure only lasts an afternoon.

The best perk is you could eat powdered donuts until you burst! But even better is that you'd never.

I'd say this is impossible, but how is it any less plausible than a judgmental Sky Beard that never calls or writes anymore? Where you spend foreverdays in sanitized fluff. A kingdom ultimately only open to a few and pets are not allowed. I'll take the hollowed out tree and an occasional pirate to outsmart, where kitties like Man Ray and Sugar Ray are waiting and'll never make me sneeze.

Although and perhaps it's not so hard to find at all... Just mail in three wrappers from Peter Pan Beauty Bar with Chlorophyll and 15 cents for the map.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Ready, Set, Twirl!

  1. I was born breech, ass first, into this world, and that's how I'll go out.
  2. Some people think it's about the Race, others think it's the Finish, but if you revel in just showing up to the Start it makes going to work a lot easier.
  3. Living in a universe designed by little girls would be ideal because all it takes to "Feel Better" is hand lotion, glitter, a kiss, and a nap.
  4. Also, never overlook the transformative power of a twirl.
  5. I believe there are parts of me that consist of wax and paper. So it is possible I haven't really lost weight, only volume, due to wilting in this heat.
  6. The fruit is at the bottom because if it were on the top, that's all anybody would eat.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Thinking about Sugar...

  1. Anything in black and white expires too quickly.
  2. It doesn't matter how much you a love a thing, it will still be taken from you. What matters is that the universe knows how much that thing was loved, which give it weight and importance, and pays a little more respect with its passing.
  3. Calling the Human Resources representative "Sugar Tits" is ill-advised (and ill received), especially when she's a dude.
  4. In a time when so many people want to be American citizens but their only option is to be illegally here, I think it's time for people who don't want to fulfill their civic duty to get kicked out and make room.
  5. People's Pain has a higher profit margin than people's Joy, assuming that Joy is not Lust.
  6. Being a vampire is not a metaphor for anything. Pretending to be one is, however, the only way your average creepy guy gets chicks.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Half Past the Monkeys A$$, a Quarter to His...

  1. A stopped clock is right twice a day, a clock running slow is never right. (I'm sure there's wisdom in that somewhere.)
  2. Half-ass is still twice as good as the work of the no-ass man.
  3. Barista is the new title of Cuban generals under Castro.
  4. Evolution is not a theory, anymore, it is a fact. The Scientific Law of Evolution. Time to rewrite the science books (Texas I'm looking at you).
  5. One day in the far flung future, all epithets will be techno-centric.
  6. The value of currency is theoretically arbitrary until you're overdrawn on your checking account.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Because the Self-Righteous Make Me Angry... and Sad

  1. Ignorance makes the heart grow harder.
  2. Faith is often what's left when intelligence and self-reflection fail.
  3. What you believe and what I believe should never meet. (Especially on the field of battle - I got a dragon, you got a dude with a beard. He better be Merlin.)
  4. Hate is a response to hurt, but I can't for the life of me understand what hurt people in love have done to people who hate them for being of the same sex.
  5. The preferred sex of the person I love is so far down the list of how I define myself that is comes after "commuter" in a list that starts like this: nerd, father, husband, brother, son, human being, man, friend, writer, music lover, funny guy, business systems analyst, 80% bacon, diabetic, commuter, white...
  6. Every organized religion is as much about including those who believe as excluding those who don't.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Hillbilly Genres

One genre of hillbilly has become more widely known: thrillbilly. You know the fellas that put themselves in harms way for an adrenaline rush and an utter lack of respect for the remaining teeth in their mouths. Well, there are several other genres of hillbilly that are just important in the landscape of American experience. You should know them and like a hobbyist ornithologist, seek them out for their awe-inspiring plumage:

Pillbillies have a taste for self-medication and a stolen 'scrip for OxyContin (Hillbilly Heroin).
Drillbillies find themselves knee-deep in unread safety precautions on an oil rig.
Spillbillies find themselves on catastrophically busted oil rigs.
Chillbillies train all winter by ice fishing in their skivvies before shipping off to the Arctic.
Grillbillies make border runs for fireworks and reservation smokes and light them both off the Weber.
Frillbillies dress like gay pirates and are generally difficult to find because, like the albino alligator, they are often culled from the herd by their own.
Perhaps the rarest of them all exact revenge wearing a skin-tight yellow and black jumpsuit after being left for dead at their own wedding known best as ... wait for it... KillBillies.

Blam. I just molested y'alls funnybone.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Hands-Free Living and the Stink of Success

  1. A rectal prolapse is nothing to laugh at. Actually, as long as it isn't yours it really is something to laugh at.
  2. Only things not fit for human consumption should be candidates for total automation. e.g. Jack in the Box Robotic Food Prep, animating Disney straight-to-video sequels, modern country music production, as well as, state and federal government.
  3. The all-terrain cleaning robot is past due.
  4. Nothing should ever smell good and taste bad, coffee and popcorn I am looking at you.
  5. It is more interesting to find out the nature of what is missing than the nature of what is here.
  6. Politics at the speed of light is just flickering images of charismatic speakers.

Jubilee Story 2: A Beautiful Cat Named Murray

While at the bookstore Jubilee found a stuffed hamster that she wanted. I told her she had to earn it by writing 5 stories. Here is story number two.

A Beautiful Cat Named Murray

Once upon a time there was a beautiful cat named Murray. Sh played with 5 cats: Tack, Mo-an, Princess Meh, Neh, and Kuh. them played all together. They Played Hide-in-Closet. They played Hide a lot in the storybook. Neh was the best at the game. She was the best at the game because I love her.

Next was laying eggs. Neh layed one egg. The egg was purple. the egg was at my house, in the glass bowl. It hatched,it exploded, and turned into a bird. The bird was pink and purple. The bird flyed. It flyed all the way into your toe. And it flyed and flyed and changed colors like a chameleon.

It fell in love. It fell in love with Meke the Princess. they got a ring. them got glasses. then them got a dress. Them found a royal ring. It glowed up and made a Mermaid Kingdom. The End.

Jubilee Story 1: A Hamster Princess Castle

While at the bookstore Jubilee found a stuffed hamster that she wanted. I told her she had to earn it by writing 5 stories. Here is story number one.

A Hamster Princess Castle.

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful hamster princess named Mariana. She lived in a beautiful castle named Cololomiun. And a prince named Cullen. When the prince shows up, she dances with him. they fall in love and they fall in love again. Them fall in love. And them marry and dance around. The End.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Friendly Advice, Impossible Numbers & Colors, and The Abyss

  1. For my friend Lori, impossible life advice: Grow your own. Raise your children to be anarchists. Sleep your way to the middle. Pay bills on the float. Gamble away the college money on lottery tickets. Drink the medium stuff. But keep your good friends close because they'll get you through the rest of that crap. And never forget the lube.
  2. If it is slippery, it is fun... regardless of context.
  3. One day there will be an impossible number list that will include eleventy-seven, urtyteen, thirtyleven, and kittenteenth.
  4. There is a blue I see in my dreams that cannot exist in real life and it's called Impossiblue.
  5. Belief is that tingly feeling when the universe stares back into you.
  6. Racism comes about when small minded people strive to achieve great things.

Friday, June 25, 2010

To The Beat of a Different Drum

Dawn of the Dead, Zombieland, Fido, Resident Evil, 28 Days late, Shaun of the Dead... There are hundreds perhaps thousands of zombie movies. Most of them have the scene with the plucky survivors trapped amongst the zombie horde just trying to last one more day.

World War Z, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, How to Survive A Zombie Apocalypse... There are thousands more zombie books and many about how to survive the zombies. The fear is so great of the zombies that there are several successful book series about how to survive the inevitable zombie onslaught.

This morning my daughter crawls into bed and pretends to take bites out of my head. reminiscent of Danny's finger-voice (Tony) when he says "Redrum" in the Shining, she says to me in that evil voice, "Now I have allll the braaains."

I couldn't be prouder that she's training to lead the zombie horde instead of living as a victim.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Mostly about Love and the Things We Eat.

  1. Down Salma Hayek's blouse is a magical land of elves who live in bliss.
  2. Peace and Humptiness forever.
  3. I'd rather be a neophage and a technophile than a neophyte and a technophage. (I'd also rather have this bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.)
  4. It cannot be debated that a snozberry tastes like snozberry, but snozberry flavor is a cross between a mooseberry and a french kiss.
  5. While traveling in Amsterdam where on one side of the street is a beautiful, nearly nude, woman on a swing in a picture window and on the other is a delicious bakery with pyramids of fresh brownies and pastries... you'll find me run over in the middle of the street unable to choose
  6. I firmly (yes, firmly) believe that if nudity were more socially acceptable, obesity would be less of a problem in this country.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Monkey and Pirates, Cockfights and Pimps.

  1. Don't  monkey with your past, it can be changed.
  2. The only thing worse than shingles, is the fever for the flavor of a Pringles.
  3. Under the eyepatch of a pirate lies mystery, under the eyepatch of the modern man is something weepy.
  4. Men will always look to war as a solution to national questions, and in those cases leave the common man out of it. I propose World Leader Cockfights! Strip them to the waist, bind their arms, fit them with gaffs and let them settle it in their own blood. This could lead to electing beefy and athletic leaders, but it's be totally worth it.
  5. The anthemic song about my hip-hop exploits will inevitable be titled "Microscopic Pimpin".
  6. On the planet where language is chemical and manifests as smells, "Hello" will smell like a fart but ironically the word for "excrement" will smell like carrot cake.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Shadowless Silence, God's Ire, and Tuna Fish.

  1. Beware the man who casts no shadow.
  2. The opposite of Love isn't Hate, it's Silence.
  3. In the table of lesser known measurement conversions, there are 16 "accidents" in an "on purpose".
  4. God's most terrible torture is The Quivering Eye.
  5. When you change your mind about stupid things you make alternate future histories stupider.
  6. Tuna, delicious though it may be, does not actually come from the fish of the same name. It is an extruded protein comprised of remnants like a slab of fishy particle board.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Whites and Darks, Bigs and Smalls, Lefts and Rights.

  1. Adding izzle never made you appear any cooler. Maybe whiter.
  2. Nothing can be very unique.
  3. We've spent too much time making them bigger, now let's make them smaller.
  4. When you sort and compartmentalize your life, you lose out on the spectrum of experience. Although you really should keep your white socks and dark socks separate.
  5. The two party system is no long viable in the success of the United States, it will only drive us further toward failure as a country.
  6. Motivation is a problem that has no solution.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Alone Together with Another

  1. Monogamy is just Celibacy with an occasional dinner salad.
  2. As Mashups become more ubiquitous, smart song writers will insert stuff in the songs that naturally mix with songs they want to mix with. Like this with that.
  3. When attending a wedding, you should always have a back-up date... especially the Bride and Groom. (No reason to ruin a part due to a no-show.)
  4. CFL or LED? OLED!
  5. Where we are bears little resemblance to where they thought we'd be, and where we think we're going will bear little resemblance to where we go. So plan for today, and let tomorrow happen.
  6. I know when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em, but not when to walk away. And I don't run.

Monday, June 14, 2010

A Stroke, The Clap, Being Fat... Plus Cupcakes.

  1. I am totally up for the down stroke. (everybody get up!)
  2. Spanging is a horribly liberating profession.
  3. Applause is a form of kinetic energy that is transferred to a performer.
  4. Husky was never a less painful way to say "Fat".
  5. A cupcake is not a tiny cake; it has its own rules, physics, and personality.
  6. On some Mondays I can't pass the Turing Test.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Brought to You by the Letter "F"

  1. A carbohydrate is not love, it only smells and tastes like it.
  2. In a funny bit of foreshadowing, all of Jubilee's made up words (mostly names and pre-schooler expletives) are all brought to you by the letter "F".
  3. Living pain-free is not an option.
  4. If you're going to put your hands in my pockets, grab hold of more than just the cash.
  5. Kids don't have the most refined palates but they would make the most creative ice cream flavors.
  6. As technology connects us all and streams information into our heads, face-to-face human interaction will become more precious.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Brain, Brown, Burlesque, and Burps

  1. I dedicate too much RAM on Is-Its or Isn't Its. (Primary candidates: A Weave, A Thong, A Spoiler.)
  2. In the next life, brown and round.
  3. There is no such thing as a secret love. If it is secret, the best you can hope for is lust but it is probably just an obsession.
  4. Measurements taken of the tongue are great indicators of the Excitement and Plateau Phase of the human sexual response cycle, but the instrument to measure is unwieldy, painful, and generates an odor that interrupts the cycle.
  5. Modern entertainment would benefit greatly with a massive influx of burlesque and va-va-voom.
  6. The problem with fizzy lifting drinks was not that you'd continue to float up forever (until you "release" the gas). The problem was that they were made with high fructose corn syrup and even then, Wonka knew it was bad for kids.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Beauty Isn't Skin Deep, Shhhhhh. Now Help Me With This... Really.

  1. A cannibal society's unique concept of beauty yields wonderfully odd compliments, "Your facemeat appears delicious."
  2. A whisper isn't a secret but a promise of one.
  3. It is Birthday Season. (When isn't it?)
  4. I hope taking The High Road isn't hard on The Shins.
  5. My proclivity for apodyopsis ends with buttons.
  6. Reality is becoming more unrealistic everyday.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Gettin' Inside Your Headmeat and Your Hindmeat

  1. Growing up, my best friend was attractive, smart, and preternaturally charming - the hero - that only left me to be the sidekick or the villain in his story. Be the Hero of your own story.
  2. It is not always art.
  3. With consciousness comes contretemps.
  4. Groove is NOT in the heart; it is located in the lumbar/gluteus area.
  5. Every child, every year they are in school, should be tasked with a project to think of a creative way to make the world better.
  6. You can't be happy with clenched fists.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Leiber & Stoller: Musical Badassery!

Turns out some of my very favorite "oldies" songs from when I was a kid were written by or with Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller:

Along Came Jones  - Ray Stevens version
Charlie Brown - The definitive Coasters version
Hound Dog  - Best version EVER!
Jailhouse Rock - Blues Brothers Live
Kansas City - The Beatles? Yep.
Love Potion #9 - Neil Diamond, oh yes.
On Broadway - George Benson!
Poison Ivy - Who better to sing this song about STDs than the Rolling Stones?
Stand By Me - Almost as famous as the Ben E. King
Yakety Yak - Sha Na Na

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Highways, Healthwise, and Falling Pants

  1. A single shoe on the highway is always an indication of a recent tragedy.
  2. No one should smoke, but everybody should occasionally smoulder.
  3. The era of thongs and low-rise jeans signal the unfortunate end to the time honored tradition of pantsing. (Because, I mean, what's the point?)
  4. "Clickjacking" sounds like fun.
  5. I'm afraid of what it smells like under my ring.
  6. If it seems unhealthy, it is. If it seems healthy, it probably isn't.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Punched in the Eyes, Women's Rights, and the Illusion of Privacy

  1. Bruce  Lee was a Black Man.
  2. The only thing worse than being punch-drunk is the punch-hangover.
  3. I have looked into the eye of the island and what I saw was unsatisfying from a mythological perspective.
  4. I have stared into the ocular orbits in the Skull of Doom and gained all of its mystical powers.
  5. When women undermine each other, the terrorists win.
  6. Privacy is part of the implied agreement of the online social contract, but like the security of a locked door - it is only an illusion we perpetuate until violated.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Something Old, Something New, Something Awesome, Something You & Christopher Walken

  1. In response to all the confusion over the word "Theory", it will now be called The Law of Adaptation. So get over it and ... adapt. (Please Read "Life's Grand Design" by Kenneth Miller"
  2. We have adapted our number system (Base 10) from the visual stimulus of number of fingers/toes. On the planet of blind shark people, it is based on the number of teeth in their mouth (Base 3000).
  3. When I am not ever-vigilante, the lines of perceptive bend before the vanishing point and the horizon collapses.
  4. The extremes of personal physical enhancement will swing hard the other way until people are totally cool with how they look and may pounce on and eat the fleshy parts of the altered people.
  5. Very soon the women of the United States, regardless of differences, will unite to ouster the male dominated federal and state governmental bodies. Worldwide in that same year, every election in which women are allowed to vote will echo the female revolution.
  6. Modern music is on the precipice of getting awesome, ubiquitous, terrible, and inescapable all at the same time.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Eternal Struggles, Food for Muggles, and Space Shuttles

  1. It's never really about Light versus Dark, it's always about Progress versus Regress.
  2. A flag is never as important as what it stands for. One is worth dying for and one is not.
  3. No matter how you define it, there is nothing wrong and everything right with "Hot Pockets".
  4. Since my position is nearly absolute (especially after 7pm on a weekday: Couch) then it is unreasonable to know my momentum, with any degree of certainty or accuracy.
  5. When I hear people talk I am often completely distracted imagining them filled with "Ingredient S".
  6. When Billy Bob and his Boys track the global killer en route to Earth, the only solution will be to divulge the existence of the secret space shuttle... now that Atlantis has been grounded.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Open Up, Bottoms Up, Fired Up, Man Up, Ground Up, Look Up

  1. When I close my eyes to sleep, reality becomes fluid and only when I open my eyes again does it again become solid.
  2. Fat bottomed girls you make the rockin' world go round.
  3. Having a gun doesn't make you right, nor does it make you wrong. It only indicates what you are prepared to do no matter which of them you end up to be.
  4. When you picket or protest at a funeral, whatever God you believe in is looking down on you and at that moment will turn away in disgust. In other words, you are going to the bad place. Even if there isn't one - somebody is building a hot burny place right now.
  5. The only time it is appropriate to use the word "process" with regards to a human being is when you are making sausage out of them.
  6. The only difference between a mountain and a molehill is perspective.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Love American Style, Lost, Weeds, on Mute and Recorded for Later

  1. I once lived a lifetime with her in an afternoon.
  2. When your actual weight is 10 pounds under the lie you told on your driver's license, the wheel begins to spin backward.
  3. A hybrid between the peanut and hemp plants would be the most versatile and most politically volatile plant ever cultivated.
  4. There comes a time in a relationship where two people are so familiar with each other that external communication is unnecessary and that the whole of the day can be summed up with either a thumbs up or thumbs down right before bed.
  5. Sooner than later, all the changes in the TV lineups will be so fluid and unmanageable that no one will watch "live" TV but go to their DVR or Computer to see the latest episode of their favorite show.
  6. The islands are *NOT* calling me home.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Visions and Whispers in the Dark, Misreading, and World Leading

  1. I have seen the Fnords.
  2. "Human" Males and Females are different species that have formed a symbiotic relationship based on the necessity to procreate. As proof consider that which often disgusts a woman, equally excites a man.
  3. In these trying economic times and with the tightening of the belt comes the need of a nourishing lunch for a nickel again.
  4. Like late-night snippets of faraway AM radio broadcasts, the following phrases have popped into my head throughout my life, in response to and apropos of nothing: "Don't you know who I am?"; "Oranges? O-ranges!"; "Liberty Flibbertigibbet"; "There used to be a piano here."
  5. The trend of ignoring labels will come to a head when emolliating cream is replaced with immolation cream. People may grumble at first, but they will still report to Carousel in the hope of Renewal.
  6. The DNA of Peter Ustinov is being preserved for the day when the World Federalist Movement needs its first Leader.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Diplomacy and Prejudice from the Perpective of a Little Girl

A fairly normal conversation with Jubilee while out and about:

Jubilee: Hey, look! It's my friend!
Us: That little girl over there?
Jubilee: Yeah! Can you tell me her name?
Us: Do you know that girl?
Jubilee: Not Yet.

(Jubilee runs over to introduce herself... and then her parents, and anybody else around that she knows.)

Imagine how much better the world might be if we approached each person this way.

Ups and Downs, New Tastes, Misadventures, and The Fonz

  1. I have entered an elevator on the ground floor, hit the top floor button, and been surprised that it didn't go down.
  2. Collusion is a secret, sometimes illegal, new flavor of Jell-O brand gelatin that is officially endorsed by the health insurance industry.
  3. Though it's more likely that the Pinky Tuscadero look will come back into style, I will cross my fingers for the Leather Tuscadero line next Fall.
  4. Cracker Jacks will re-take the adult snack market when it introduces 100 calorie packs that include lenticular pin-up prizes inside.
  5. With the ever increasing extremes that people will go to get off, the standard coroner's report worksheet will add a checkbox for "Sexual Misadventure".
  6. The Hollywood trend of remaking everything will come to a head when the animated TV series "The Fonz and the Happy Days Gang" again time travels onto your screen. It will only be one season before it is again merged with the animated "Laverne & Shirley in the Army" before network executives publicly admit that they are douchebags.

Monday, May 17, 2010

That Which Holds Us Together and Seperates Us

  1. Nothing good can come from anything that smells like glue, but isn't strictly glue.
  2. In the Land of Constant Sorrow, they serve powdered eggs for breakfast, you have to exercise long enough to ache but not long enough to see benefits, and there is no ibuprofen.
  3. At the intersection of line art, linear equations, line dancing, and line following robots is cool bar that serves 1000 whiskeys straight-up and will be the epicenter of the techno-Armageddon.
  4. Say what you want about the solemnity of weddings, but a kid in a tux and in converse tennis shoes makes for great pictures.
  5. Skateboarding is NOT a crime; it is just one way of getting kids active and out of the house.
  6. People will tire of "The Package" and the return of Talent will invigorate music and balance The Force.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Mummy, I am growing hair in weird places...

  1. In the Ultimate Battle-Beard Championship title round, Alan Moore will use his Glycon Attack and the Northampton Accent Gambit to fight to a draw Rick Ruben with his Beastie Boy Tag Team Counter and the Krush Groove Defense. Frank Beard will be disqualified on a facial hair technicality.
  2. A Zip Drive built into the fly of a pair of corduroy pants may be both genius and madness.
  3. As Global Warming really begins to steam us up, the kilt will become more popular than ever.
  4. Due to the inevitable confusion over the Dunning-Kruger Effect and those who experience it, it will simple be known as The Stupid is as Stupid Does Phenomenom (sic).
  5. Just hours before her first scene in the porn version of Twilight, someone will find Kristin Stewart's personality behind a radiator at the Chateau Marmont simultaneously ending her porn career and reinvigorating her film career.
  6. There won't ever again be a reason to have toe hair, but it won't evolve away. Might as well grow it long, braid it, why not put something pretty in it.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

The When and Where of Things, maybe even the Whats

  1. Any time of day, somewhere in the world, it is Hammertime.
  2. A group of database queries are called an Interrogation of queries. A group of data transformations, complex actions that can essentially edit the underlying language in arbitrary ways, is called a Waterboard of transformations.
  3. In the morning, out of the corner of my eye, I can see the dreamscape fading with the sunrise.
  4. Thunder is the sound of unicorns stampeding across the sky, but lightning is just an atmospheric discharge of electricity.
  5. All dogs are boys and all cats are girls.
  6. There is a black hole in every galaxy and it serves as the cosmic privy.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

In the future things will be worse, skinnier, curvier, more intelligent, and en flambé.

  1. When I say "dummy", in my head I hear Redd Foxx.
  2. In a post-singularity world, porn will be worse but instantly accessible.
  3. After I lose this weight, people will stop whispering "Oh, well I hope he's rich, funny, or has a giant wiener."
  4. The male preference for an 11 will soon return to preferring a woman who's an 8.
  5. In the world inhabited by sentient dogs, a smile will serve as a challenge. Unless there is a duck in its maw, then it's a dinner invitation.
  6. The battle over the final million barrels of oil will be brutal and will end in the destruction of at least half of it to collateral damage.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Stuff that goes in the Body and stuff you put the Body in.

  1. I believe there are underused words that deserve a comeback: dandy, jism, and penultimate.
  2. I want a pet Golliwog, but only if it's not racist.
  3. The appropriate base for a Vorpal sword is a baculum from the Mysticeti
  4. Once we find the optimum body shape, then losing weight should just make us more diminutive but maintain the same proportions.
  5. When I start my cult there will be snacks, but no Kool-Aid.
  6. When a fairy godmother uses a watermelon for a coach, there's more leg-room than the traditional pumpkin coach.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Faith, Trust, and Pixie Dust

  1. There is reflection in the universal mirror so that whenever I look up, someone is always looking back down.
  2. Religion is vanity; Faith is bravery.
  3. Intelligence and Love will always prevail over dogma.
  4. There is no standard unit of measurement for righteousness.
  5. Who or how I love is of no consequence to anyone, but that I love will change the world.
  6. If the truth of proposition P1 requires the support of proposition P2, and for any proposition in the series Pn, the truth of Pn requires the support of the truth of Pn+1 then there would never be adequate support for P1. However, if the context is self-reflection then the regression is not infinite because it will end with either enlightenment or death.

Monday, May 3, 2010

5/3 - Ants, Apples, and also Smells

  1. I believe in atmospheric cookie dough.
  2. If I put pictures of certain body parts online, someone may diagnose me with a disease I don't want to know I have.
  3. Sometimes after a workout, I smell like cinnamon apples. Probably from so many years of freebasing Cinnabon. No idea about the apples.
  4. There are no mirrors in the forest because the ants and spiders would give themselves the bugouts.
  5. Luche Libre masks give you special powers, the downside is the smell on the inside of them.
  6. Gumball eyes are only a good idea in theory, in practice the reality is gruesome and ineffective.

Friday, April 30, 2010

4/30 - "Get Me Out of Here" Edition

  1. At some point my body will stop metabolizing stupidity.
  2. The period of time that a person can wear a bandana and a soul patch before they become irreversibly douche-y? It's called a Ohnosecond.
  3. Time travel is possible through wormholes, but they are too small to fit through.
  4. Blimps are going to make a comeback in a big way.
  5. I am not anti gravity, but I am pro graviton.
  6.  The artificial sweetener of the future will be delicious and have 1g of fiber, naturally derived sweetness, and contain mild hallucinogens in every packet.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

The Reality of "The List"

You've heard about The List and you've probably talked about the List, maybe even started making The List. It's that list that contains people that, if the opportunity arose, would be considered a "freebie" and not be an issue with your significant other. Meaning, if you get a chance to have sex with somebody on this list the woman in your life won't get mad. Right. Well, whenever it comes up in a movie, inevitably, a guy'll hear "Honey, who's on your list?" And with a typical male shrug it'll get dismissed. Later, he'll get the question again. And if he actually responds then this is the type of list that your wife or girlfriend or fiancee expects to get (In no particular order):
  1. Sofia Vergara
  2. Christina Hendricks
  3. Zooey Deschanel
  4. Dita Von Teese
  5. Selma Hayek
  6. Katy Perry
  7. Rihanna
  8. Monica Bellucci
  9. Ayesha Takia
  10. Shakira
  11. Nicole Scherzinger
  12. Kim Kardashian
  13. Drew Barrymore
The problem is that a guy's actual list looks more like this (In order of likelihood):
  1. Your Newly Divorced Friend that's a little too excited to be single again.
  2. The Career Barmaid from that sports bar we go for "The Wings"
  3. Your daughter's team's Soccer Moms (Any or as a whole)
  4. The Girl in the Taco Mascot Suit, the one out by the road on Saturdays.
  5. The RA from your son's dorm.
  6. The Gothy Rite-Aid Checkout Girl
  7. Your sister (not the younger one, the trashy older one)
  8. Receptionist at the Dentist Office.
  9. Channel 2 Traffic Reporter
  10. James Franco (C'mon who wouldn't have him on their list - he's dreeeeeeeeeeeamy)

*Note: No fantasies were harmed in the making of this post.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

4/28 - Cherries and Cheerleaders

  1. I have stepped into one elevator and come out a different one.
  2. The world would be better off with a Cherry on top.
  3. I have opened my eyes, gotten ready for work, smoked a cigarette, driven to work, and arrived safely only then to wake-up and wonder how I got there.
  4. No matter what you eat, where you go, or who you meet, expect a couple of nuts. So if you're allergic you should take precautions.
  5. When neither the spirit nor the body is willing, a cheerleader is a necessity.
  6. A secret's power isn't in the keeping it's in the telling.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

4/27 - On Diet and Exercise

  1. If adding exercise is the prescription then the cure is worse than the disease.
  2. There will never be a butter substitute.
  3. That vein in your head that pops out when you lift weights is just the avenue your brain is taking trying to escape the boredom.
  4. I love the perfume you are wearing... oh, it's just a cinnamon roll? Can I get another whiff?
  5. When you are watching a spy thriller set in Paris and you are more concerned with the precariously placed Croque-en-Bouche than the brilliantly choreographed fight scene, you're hungry so go have a snack.
  6. Even if your diet allows you to have as much of a condiment you want, you should know that nougat is not a condiment.