Friday, April 30, 2010

4/30 - "Get Me Out of Here" Edition

  1. At some point my body will stop metabolizing stupidity.
  2. The period of time that a person can wear a bandana and a soul patch before they become irreversibly douche-y? It's called a Ohnosecond.
  3. Time travel is possible through wormholes, but they are too small to fit through.
  4. Blimps are going to make a comeback in a big way.
  5. I am not anti gravity, but I am pro graviton.
  6.  The artificial sweetener of the future will be delicious and have 1g of fiber, naturally derived sweetness, and contain mild hallucinogens in every packet.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

The Reality of "The List"

You've heard about The List and you've probably talked about the List, maybe even started making The List. It's that list that contains people that, if the opportunity arose, would be considered a "freebie" and not be an issue with your significant other. Meaning, if you get a chance to have sex with somebody on this list the woman in your life won't get mad. Right. Well, whenever it comes up in a movie, inevitably, a guy'll hear "Honey, who's on your list?" And with a typical male shrug it'll get dismissed. Later, he'll get the question again. And if he actually responds then this is the type of list that your wife or girlfriend or fiancee expects to get (In no particular order):
  1. Sofia Vergara
  2. Christina Hendricks
  3. Zooey Deschanel
  4. Dita Von Teese
  5. Selma Hayek
  6. Katy Perry
  7. Rihanna
  8. Monica Bellucci
  9. Ayesha Takia
  10. Shakira
  11. Nicole Scherzinger
  12. Kim Kardashian
  13. Drew Barrymore
The problem is that a guy's actual list looks more like this (In order of likelihood):
  1. Your Newly Divorced Friend that's a little too excited to be single again.
  2. The Career Barmaid from that sports bar we go for "The Wings"
  3. Your daughter's team's Soccer Moms (Any or as a whole)
  4. The Girl in the Taco Mascot Suit, the one out by the road on Saturdays.
  5. The RA from your son's dorm.
  6. The Gothy Rite-Aid Checkout Girl
  7. Your sister (not the younger one, the trashy older one)
  8. Receptionist at the Dentist Office.
  9. Channel 2 Traffic Reporter
  10. James Franco (C'mon who wouldn't have him on their list - he's dreeeeeeeeeeeamy)

*Note: No fantasies were harmed in the making of this post.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

4/28 - Cherries and Cheerleaders

  1. I have stepped into one elevator and come out a different one.
  2. The world would be better off with a Cherry on top.
  3. I have opened my eyes, gotten ready for work, smoked a cigarette, driven to work, and arrived safely only then to wake-up and wonder how I got there.
  4. No matter what you eat, where you go, or who you meet, expect a couple of nuts. So if you're allergic you should take precautions.
  5. When neither the spirit nor the body is willing, a cheerleader is a necessity.
  6. A secret's power isn't in the keeping it's in the telling.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

4/27 - On Diet and Exercise

  1. If adding exercise is the prescription then the cure is worse than the disease.
  2. There will never be a butter substitute.
  3. That vein in your head that pops out when you lift weights is just the avenue your brain is taking trying to escape the boredom.
  4. I love the perfume you are wearing... oh, it's just a cinnamon roll? Can I get another whiff?
  5. When you are watching a spy thriller set in Paris and you are more concerned with the precariously placed Croque-en-Bouche than the brilliantly choreographed fight scene, you're hungry so go have a snack.
  6. Even if your diet allows you to have as much of a condiment you want, you should know that nougat is not a condiment.

Monday, April 26, 2010

4/26 - Fixing the World Edition

  1. No profound solution was ever devised at 5:45 AM
  2. If evil aliens ever do show up to enslave the Earth, I believe "The Doctor" will appear and snark us to safety.
  3. Pancakes could solve at least 30% of the world's ills.
  4. The solution to the transportation problem in this country is "Mustache Rides".
  5. A 30 minute walk does more good than the harm done by what's delivered in 30 minutes or less.
  6. Only by encouraging kids to be creative will the future get any better.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Not so much impossible, closer to improbable.

Sometimes changes in word usage are required or suggested to reflect changes in the culture. Here are some updates that I suggest for the near future.
  1. A contract between two parties where the value of the contract is linked to the price of another financial instrument or by a specified event or condition and may be insured against its inevitable failure,  we will call that Greed.
  2. When a person is incapable of accepting multiple examples of written documentation as proof that something occurred, if the same person uses words like un-American or Socialist or Muslim or Gangster to describe another person because they are afraid to use the word they really want to use, and if that person prefers to shield their social misgivings in a political party that's named after a historical event that has little resemblance to the proposed politics of the party - despite protestations and other self-designations - for ease's sake they will be called Racist.
  3. A person who would rather that their child has less education on a topic than more, the most polite designation will now be Fundamentalist.
  4. Anyone who is afraid of gay people or afraid to be mistaken as one, in an effort to reclaim and empower former victims of the word, will be referred to as Faggit (sic).
  5. A body that offers unsecured loans at high interest rates to individuals, often backed by blackmail and threats of violence, and that have designed their credit products in such a way as to make orderly retirement of the debt difficult was formerly known as a loanshark. These financial practices have been refined and have reached the mainstream making loansharks obsolete, and from now on using the word Bank or Banks will be all that's necessary to indicate the use of such predatory lending.
  6. An organization that takes money with a promise of services with no intention of making good, or may change the terms and conditions of payment without warning and in their favor, I propose we call Health Insurance. There is some contention here as there have been other strongly suggested candidates: Credit Card Companies, The Government, and Roommates.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

4/22 - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast

Thanks to my brother Scott, now I am consumed with impossible thoughts about Smurfs.
  1. Through a secret "extraction" process, a blue "ink" is harvested from the Smurfs that, when painted on one side of an inexpensive ceramic disk, can be used to build a fuel cell so efficient that it borders on free energy.
  2. If you place a Smurf in a pyramid with a box of dull razor blades overnight, they will sharpen.
  3. Only the purity of Smurfette can lure the last unicorn from hiding.
  4. An acolyte wishing to ascend to Revered, must endure the Smurf Agony, by ingesting Essence of Smurf also known as Aqua Smurfa and using their considerable talents to transmute the poison safely within the body and unlock their "Other Memory".
  5.  If you feed a Smurf after midnight it will become a Snork.
  6. Using a Chakra-tuned Smurf, I can amplify my Merkabah field a 1000th fold which enables me to contact the fifth dimension where the spirit world is and amplify my long distance Holographic Sound healing treatments a 1000th fold.
It should be noted that the notion of using Smurfs in a potion to make gold is absolutely laughable and an Old Wizards tale with no science or basis in truth.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

4/21 - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast

  1. Though the details of how it was used are lost, The Glass Slipper was a torture device used to punish those women who attempted to seduce (or were accused of trying to seduce) members of the royal family.
  2. Paul Bunyan and Babe live secretly on a Mediterranean island until which time they can return and openly express their love.
  3. George Porgie is Patient Zero for Mononucleosis.
  4. Excalibur has been held protected by a mysterious order whose current membership includes Sting. He leaves clues in his songs for the one true Arthur to find the sword (Bottom of a dark Scottish lake).
  5. The Little Engine That Could never did due to a crippling bout of agoraphobia.
  6. Prince Charming was originally known as Viscount Cranborne, but changed it to escape his evil previous wife Lady Blanche Gascoyne-Cecil.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

4/20 - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast

We know we have the senses of taste, touch, smell, sight, and hearing. Some might argue that we have a sixth sense that includes extra-sensory perception. I believe we have many more senses than we give ourselves credit for.

  1. Sense of Beauty: An aptitude for finding the sublime in everything like watching a plastic bag blow in the wind.
  2. Sense of Grace: The ability to accept the gifts that are our friends, family, and the simple wonders of the world.
  3. Sense of Sensibility:An acute perception and awareness of pleasure and pain, however slight.
  4. Sense of Adventure : The capability to wander off the beaten path and revel in finding the way back.
  5. Sense of Style: A gift allowing a person to recombine existing paradigms in new and fashionable ways.
  6. Sense of Independence: The rare skill of knowing the strength of one's self no matter the situation and acting accordingly.

Monday, April 19, 2010

4/19 - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast

  1. Being a Princess is not about the fairy godmother or the mean old step sisters, not about the pumpkin coach or the poison apple, it's not even about the evil queen or the Prince--though all of them are appreciated additions to the story... it's about the dress and the shoes.
  2. I really and truly believe that "Zack gonna get you back".
  3. Any food that is extruded into its edible form is lacks a good source of calcium and vitamin D, plus 10 other essential vitamins and minerals.
  4. I will retire with a fortune based on whale vomit.
  5. Toys were more fun when there was an element of real danger.
  6. One day the Basque idea of nationalism will be universal. If you are a speaker of the language, you are a member of the ethnic group.

Friday, April 16, 2010

4/16 - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast

  1. Violence is a disease, and it is spreading.
  2. Marshmallows are a vegetable.
  3. A lateral lisp makes everything funnier.
  4. Vinyl will one day be a trade-able commodity on the stock exchange.
  5. In basketball, a terrible shot is called a Potsie Weber. Collectors of photographs of terrible basketball shots are called a Paparpotsies.
  6. ChicharrĂ³n is a state of rind.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

4/15 - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast

  1. There is an alternate universe where the preferred and polite way to answer the phone is "Ahoy-hoy".
  2. My little corner of Heaven, when I get there, looks a little like Hell to some souls.
  3. With the Snidely Whiplash mustache's inevitable return to fashion, the ability to detect and detain domestic terrorists is infinitely easier.
  4. Mustache Twirling will appear as an exposition sport in the 2014 Winter Olympics. The mixed pair from the Republic of Armenia will dazzle and captivate the world with their floor routine.
  5. As he gets older, Kale replaces Spinach in Popeye's diet.
  6. The revolution will not be televised; it will be streamed live on the internet.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

4/14 - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast

  1. The era of Whitesploitation films is upon us.
  2. Jazz is the ability to live between the notes.
  3. Pushmi-pullyus exist but they are all female.
  4. Paleovirology will prove, once and for all, that we are descended from aliens.
  5. The extinction of the Tumbleweed is due to its disappearing natural habitat: The Ghost Town.
  6. The English System of Measures will never be obsolete as long as the Ten Gallon Hat refuses to go Metric.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

4/13 - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast

  1. A gray sky is just a drawn curtain while they change for the next scene.
  2. The difference between a smile and a rictus is a modicum of pain.
  3. I can taste water.
  4. Black is not a true color it is the visual representation of boundaries.
  5. Technically we'll be able to mate with aliens, but we won't want to.
  6. Everybody is watching, but nobody cares.

Monday, April 12, 2010

4/12 - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast

  1. The Darkness has weight and volume.
  2. With a perfect mirror we could see a reflection from the beginning of time.
  3. As my blood sugar normalizes, my ability to successfully negotiate the Voight-Kampff test will decrease.
  4. To facilitate the ever increasing speed of information transfer, telepathy is in inevitable.
  5. Somehow the following words, brought to you by the letter "L", will figure heavily in this week: Litigious and Libidinous.
  6. Only the internet can grant us the Antediluvian ability of universal communication. I hope it won't be subject to divine dismantling due to human pride.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

4/10 - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast

  1. Hey curvy girl! You're not fat; you're beautiful!
  2. I believe I will eat all of your crackers.
  3. Spigot is a dirty word.
  4. Young love is both a particle and a wave.
  5. It gets easier and easier not to.
  6. Grandfathers are undervalued in the makeup of the extended family unit.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

4/8 - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast

  1. Life would be more enjoyable if ordinary things (like oil changes and paychecks) required a treasure map and had an X to mark the spot.
  2. There are two kinds of people in the world - Halfs and Half-Nots. People who are half asleep through their whole lives and people who are awake for the wonder.
  3. Food just tastes better when delivered by girls on rollerskates.
  4. The United States of America will split into two nations in the near future: The New Union of America and The United Confederates of America.
  5. The last True Daredevil (Homo Sapiens Diavolos) died in captivity in 2007 - RIP Evel. There have been sightings since then but they are of the distantly related species of Faux Daredevil (Homo Equus Asinus) which are domesticated and bred in captivity for their plumage.
  6. When we no longer need the Hyoid bone to enable the greater motion of the tongue and larynx for speech, we can finally embrace the human dewlap we so richly deserve.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

4/6 - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast

  1. Out of the corners of my eyes, at the edge of perception, I can see the living shadows.
  2. The science of longevity's ultimate goal is to allow us to eat more cheese.
  3. We're not any smarter today than when the first pack of humans huddled in a cave and started a fire to stay warm in the rain... we just have greater access to information.
  4. There is no way so many people were confused or mistaken about it in the olden days, There Be Dragons!
  5. The key to many mysteries in life is Step Ball Change.
  6. Nothing is made any better by adding tofu.

Friday, April 2, 2010

4/2 - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast

  1. People with the gift of prophecy experience time in reverse.
  2. Adding "The" before someone's first name makes them feel more special. "I am playing with The Jubilee." "Have you seen The Sally?" "Nobody messes with The Jesus."
  3. A fully realized explanation of The Mpemba Effect may save the ice caps but will certainly revolutionize the ice cream sciences.
  4. I still believe in underwater homes and complexes in my lifetime.
  5. Unicorn meat tastes an awful lot like Narwhal steaks.
  6. Using Magic is an ability to alter the perception of reality or understanding. Real artists are true magicians.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

4/1 - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast

  1. In the nutritive arts, fresh air and kindness will fill in where diet and exercise fall short.
  2. A well oiled body part is more comforting than previously observed.
  3. Periodical publishing will be saved by printing artwork, designs, and writing that people will want to own and display in their homes.
  4. A kiss is always fraught with subtext, always.
  5. Whosoever is number one on the charts, forthwith shall be number one in our hearts, in accordance with the prophecy.
  6. One day researchers will find the medicinal use for bacon.