Friday, October 30, 2009

When voicemail transcription gets it wrong... so very wrong.

Hello Ryan, My name is Sophia state. Yeah, I'm a technical recruiter from to situation, hey plan resume know White died of AIDS. And, I would like to know if that available at this point of time. I have 5 3 months contract and put a business and that is if you please give me a call me back. My phone number is (817) 375-8700 Section 234.

Additional Instructions and Warnings that should be on the Box of Capsaicin:

I am quickly turning into an old man with aches and pains that Ben-gay can't touch. Sadly, I have upped the dosage on those athletic rubs to their maximum and even the strongest of them is no more effective than putting a stick of spearmint gum on my knee. So I have moved on to the rough stuff - Capsaicin. The active ingredient is the same pepper compounds as you'll find in mace. Yes the pepper spray used to incapacitate bad guys and grandmas with bad attitudes (both sprayed just before the eventual tasing). Anyhow, so I used this stuff in earnest and in copious amounts last night and here are some things I learned that might have been nice to know beforehand:

1) If you are going to take a bath so hot you could make human broth, do not apply directly after. Apparently the heat opens your pores creating direct pathways to your nerves. Imagine pouring hot sauce into a hole in your skin and you can't wash it off.

2) Soap and water are a good start in removing excess cream, but time is a better mellowing agent. Even after washing, you still might transfer some of it to another body part if it is physically heated, includes extended contact, or vigorous rubbing.

3) Gentlemen, beware not to fiddle, even mindlessly. You may love hot peppers on your hot dog but you won't want mace on your wiener.

4) Unless you enjoy the stinging nettle sensation of a Jellyfish tickle session, then there should be no reason to ever apply the cream to the back of your knee or the inside of your elbow.

5) If you take a shower the next day in water hot enough to steam sterilize silverware and brew coffee, then the heat may reactivate the cream even the next day.

6) If you are putting cream on your lower appendages, make sure it is after you at least have underwear on. Pulling on clothes could transfer the cream to other parts of the body along the path. See #4.

7) You know you're not supposed to scratch the area before or after application. That is common sense because you don't want to break the skin. Don't forget though, that scratching the area would deposit the cream under your fingernails. And you don't really want that stuff burning under your fingertips. The feeling of shooting fireballs from your fingers in cool in a magic show or on a cartoon.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Where's My Robot Dog?

Ever since I saw the movie C.H.O.M.P.S. when I was 8, I have wanted a robot dog. Given what seemed possible in 1979 and the advances in both computing and micro-circuitry since then, we should have a full functioning robot pet by now. AIBO was cool but not very personable and certainly not affordable. Also, it couldn't navigate stairs or catch a frisbee. Or run down a car and catch it with robotic jaws or find a kid buried in the snow with its super smelling detectors or whatever.

It's not like I am asking for the ubiquitous request for a jetpack. I completely understand the issues with steering guidance and landing. I also understand the implicit dangers to the legs of anybody wearing the jetpack with regards to either the flammable fuel or the compressed (cold) air used for propulsion.

No, I am just asking for my own robot pet. I'd even have been happy with a mildly intelligent robot snake. Not so cuddly but if it could follow me around and maybe carry a payload of a Payday - I'd be satisfied. But as it is, I am just disappointed with the situation. Really disappointed.

FYI: Hot gluing Erector set pieces to a rescue dog is ill-advised. And if you a teen-aged boy, you are likely to find yourself on a serial killer watch-list after they find the "suped-up" canine.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

The Eye in the Sky?

When I was a kid, I taped The Eye in the Sky by Alan Parsons Project off the radio. I listened to it over an over again. I won't admit to singing it at the top of my lungs in the privacy of my locked bedroom, but it's possible.

This morning on the drive to work it came on the radio. Ah, nostalgia.

As I'm singing along again in my musical flashback, there is a problem. I have mis-remembered the lyrics. Perhaps I always have had them wrong.

The real lyrics:

I am the eye in the sky
Looking at you
I can read your mind
I am the maker of rules
Dealing with fools

What I was singing?

I am the maker of rules
Destroying fools

Apparently my Eye in the Sky was a little more vengeful than Alan's.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

At Least it's Not the Heartbreak of Psoriasis

That pain you feel isn't heartbreak or depression, it's just Old Age slipping its rusty needle behind your kneecaps and your eyes and injecting its poison.

Jubilee's First Pun

Jubilee said she didn't want to go to the farmers market. She wanted to go to the near-mers market.

Craigslist Descriptions

OK OK Yes, technically it is true that you could say a cheap crappy desk made out of MDF is an "All Wood Desk". Technically a homemade table built out of paper towel rolls would be considered "Custom Wood Table" or a paper airplane would be "Classic Wood Construction Flyer".

Dreams of Reunion

I have been dreaming of our Reunion the last few nights. Not the real one but a John Hughes version. It's kind of a last-night-in-town scenario where everybody is trying to squeeze in all the reacquainting into a 48 hour period before we all run back to... our lives. The dreams include much more nudity and poor judgment than I remember from the actual Reunion.

80's Slogans

Wondering what other Skittles slogans were tried before "Taste the Rainbow" took the job. It was the 80s so it's possible that "Deregulate the Rainbow", "Attempt to Assassinate the Rainbow" and "Snort the Rainbow" were considered.

The failed "This is your brain on Skittles" commercial aired only once and was discontinued due to nightmares and the fact that it looked like a hot skillet full of clown vomit.

Friday, October 9, 2009

He's My President, but... The Peace Prize?

President Obama just received the Nobel Peace prize. I voted for him and I still stand by my President, but the nominations happened about 2 weeks after he was elected. There is no doubt that the world looked on in anticipation at him being our President. There is no doubt that there are countries that looked at us more favorably with him as the potential Pres. But to say that he actively pursued peace and achieved great enough success to want receiving the Nobel Peace Prize? No, I don't think so. Also, he wasn't out there as a Senator working toward peace, so that's not an accomplishment he can call his own either.

That being said, some of my more conservative and right-leaning friends have gotten really bent out of shape and have been using it to further their cause that he is not effective. To address that, I have written the following bit of fiction - a parable if you will.

If you are a Bus Driver and you inherit a farm on which an evil scientist created a shit-cyclone that randomly wipes out cities in the tri-state area... would that make YOU the bad guy? Or are you the guy that is simply responsible for trying to quiet the shitstorm and fix the damage?

No matter how optimistic you are or how much you talk big about what you're going to do with the farm once it's rid of its terribly smelly and deadly problems, that still doesn't make you an evil scientist. Truthfully, it doesn't get you a 4H award either. Not until the farm is working again.