Friday, May 28, 2010

Something Old, Something New, Something Awesome, Something You & Christopher Walken

  1. In response to all the confusion over the word "Theory", it will now be called The Law of Adaptation. So get over it and ... adapt. (Please Read "Life's Grand Design" by Kenneth Miller"
  2. We have adapted our number system (Base 10) from the visual stimulus of number of fingers/toes. On the planet of blind shark people, it is based on the number of teeth in their mouth (Base 3000).
  3. When I am not ever-vigilante, the lines of perceptive bend before the vanishing point and the horizon collapses.
  4. The extremes of personal physical enhancement will swing hard the other way until people are totally cool with how they look and may pounce on and eat the fleshy parts of the altered people.
  5. Very soon the women of the United States, regardless of differences, will unite to ouster the male dominated federal and state governmental bodies. Worldwide in that same year, every election in which women are allowed to vote will echo the female revolution.
  6. Modern music is on the precipice of getting awesome, ubiquitous, terrible, and inescapable all at the same time.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Eternal Struggles, Food for Muggles, and Space Shuttles

  1. It's never really about Light versus Dark, it's always about Progress versus Regress.
  2. A flag is never as important as what it stands for. One is worth dying for and one is not.
  3. No matter how you define it, there is nothing wrong and everything right with "Hot Pockets".
  4. Since my position is nearly absolute (especially after 7pm on a weekday: Couch) then it is unreasonable to know my momentum, with any degree of certainty or accuracy.
  5. When I hear people talk I am often completely distracted imagining them filled with "Ingredient S".
  6. When Billy Bob and his Boys track the global killer en route to Earth, the only solution will be to divulge the existence of the secret space shuttle... now that Atlantis has been grounded.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Open Up, Bottoms Up, Fired Up, Man Up, Ground Up, Look Up

  1. When I close my eyes to sleep, reality becomes fluid and only when I open my eyes again does it again become solid.
  2. Fat bottomed girls you make the rockin' world go round.
  3. Having a gun doesn't make you right, nor does it make you wrong. It only indicates what you are prepared to do no matter which of them you end up to be.
  4. When you picket or protest at a funeral, whatever God you believe in is looking down on you and at that moment will turn away in disgust. In other words, you are going to the bad place. Even if there isn't one - somebody is building a hot burny place right now.
  5. The only time it is appropriate to use the word "process" with regards to a human being is when you are making sausage out of them.
  6. The only difference between a mountain and a molehill is perspective.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Love American Style, Lost, Weeds, on Mute and Recorded for Later

  1. I once lived a lifetime with her in an afternoon.
  2. When your actual weight is 10 pounds under the lie you told on your driver's license, the wheel begins to spin backward.
  3. A hybrid between the peanut and hemp plants would be the most versatile and most politically volatile plant ever cultivated.
  4. There comes a time in a relationship where two people are so familiar with each other that external communication is unnecessary and that the whole of the day can be summed up with either a thumbs up or thumbs down right before bed.
  5. Sooner than later, all the changes in the TV lineups will be so fluid and unmanageable that no one will watch "live" TV but go to their DVR or Computer to see the latest episode of their favorite show.
  6. The islands are *NOT* calling me home.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Visions and Whispers in the Dark, Misreading, and World Leading

  1. I have seen the Fnords.
  2. "Human" Males and Females are different species that have formed a symbiotic relationship based on the necessity to procreate. As proof consider that which often disgusts a woman, equally excites a man.
  3. In these trying economic times and with the tightening of the belt comes the need of a nourishing lunch for a nickel again.
  4. Like late-night snippets of faraway AM radio broadcasts, the following phrases have popped into my head throughout my life, in response to and apropos of nothing: "Don't you know who I am?"; "Oranges? O-ranges!"; "Liberty Flibbertigibbet"; "There used to be a piano here."
  5. The trend of ignoring labels will come to a head when emolliating cream is replaced with immolation cream. People may grumble at first, but they will still report to Carousel in the hope of Renewal.
  6. The DNA of Peter Ustinov is being preserved for the day when the World Federalist Movement needs its first Leader.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Diplomacy and Prejudice from the Perpective of a Little Girl

A fairly normal conversation with Jubilee while out and about:

Jubilee: Hey, look! It's my friend!
Us: That little girl over there?
Jubilee: Yeah! Can you tell me her name?
Us: Do you know that girl?
Jubilee: Not Yet.

(Jubilee runs over to introduce herself... and then her parents, and anybody else around that she knows.)

Imagine how much better the world might be if we approached each person this way.

Ups and Downs, New Tastes, Misadventures, and The Fonz

  1. I have entered an elevator on the ground floor, hit the top floor button, and been surprised that it didn't go down.
  2. Collusion is a secret, sometimes illegal, new flavor of Jell-O brand gelatin that is officially endorsed by the health insurance industry.
  3. Though it's more likely that the Pinky Tuscadero look will come back into style, I will cross my fingers for the Leather Tuscadero line next Fall.
  4. Cracker Jacks will re-take the adult snack market when it introduces 100 calorie packs that include lenticular pin-up prizes inside.
  5. With the ever increasing extremes that people will go to get off, the standard coroner's report worksheet will add a checkbox for "Sexual Misadventure".
  6. The Hollywood trend of remaking everything will come to a head when the animated TV series "The Fonz and the Happy Days Gang" again time travels onto your screen. It will only be one season before it is again merged with the animated "Laverne & Shirley in the Army" before network executives publicly admit that they are douchebags.

Monday, May 17, 2010

That Which Holds Us Together and Seperates Us

  1. Nothing good can come from anything that smells like glue, but isn't strictly glue.
  2. In the Land of Constant Sorrow, they serve powdered eggs for breakfast, you have to exercise long enough to ache but not long enough to see benefits, and there is no ibuprofen.
  3. At the intersection of line art, linear equations, line dancing, and line following robots is cool bar that serves 1000 whiskeys straight-up and will be the epicenter of the techno-Armageddon.
  4. Say what you want about the solemnity of weddings, but a kid in a tux and in converse tennis shoes makes for great pictures.
  5. Skateboarding is NOT a crime; it is just one way of getting kids active and out of the house.
  6. People will tire of "The Package" and the return of Talent will invigorate music and balance The Force.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Mummy, I am growing hair in weird places...

  1. In the Ultimate Battle-Beard Championship title round, Alan Moore will use his Glycon Attack and the Northampton Accent Gambit to fight to a draw Rick Ruben with his Beastie Boy Tag Team Counter and the Krush Groove Defense. Frank Beard will be disqualified on a facial hair technicality.
  2. A Zip Drive built into the fly of a pair of corduroy pants may be both genius and madness.
  3. As Global Warming really begins to steam us up, the kilt will become more popular than ever.
  4. Due to the inevitable confusion over the Dunning-Kruger Effect and those who experience it, it will simple be known as The Stupid is as Stupid Does Phenomenom (sic).
  5. Just hours before her first scene in the porn version of Twilight, someone will find Kristin Stewart's personality behind a radiator at the Chateau Marmont simultaneously ending her porn career and reinvigorating her film career.
  6. There won't ever again be a reason to have toe hair, but it won't evolve away. Might as well grow it long, braid it, why not put something pretty in it.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

The When and Where of Things, maybe even the Whats

  1. Any time of day, somewhere in the world, it is Hammertime.
  2. A group of database queries are called an Interrogation of queries. A group of data transformations, complex actions that can essentially edit the underlying language in arbitrary ways, is called a Waterboard of transformations.
  3. In the morning, out of the corner of my eye, I can see the dreamscape fading with the sunrise.
  4. Thunder is the sound of unicorns stampeding across the sky, but lightning is just an atmospheric discharge of electricity.
  5. All dogs are boys and all cats are girls.
  6. There is a black hole in every galaxy and it serves as the cosmic privy.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

In the future things will be worse, skinnier, curvier, more intelligent, and en flambé.

  1. When I say "dummy", in my head I hear Redd Foxx.
  2. In a post-singularity world, porn will be worse but instantly accessible.
  3. After I lose this weight, people will stop whispering "Oh, well I hope he's rich, funny, or has a giant wiener."
  4. The male preference for an 11 will soon return to preferring a woman who's an 8.
  5. In the world inhabited by sentient dogs, a smile will serve as a challenge. Unless there is a duck in its maw, then it's a dinner invitation.
  6. The battle over the final million barrels of oil will be brutal and will end in the destruction of at least half of it to collateral damage.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Stuff that goes in the Body and stuff you put the Body in.

  1. I believe there are underused words that deserve a comeback: dandy, jism, and penultimate.
  2. I want a pet Golliwog, but only if it's not racist.
  3. The appropriate base for a Vorpal sword is a baculum from the Mysticeti
  4. Once we find the optimum body shape, then losing weight should just make us more diminutive but maintain the same proportions.
  5. When I start my cult there will be snacks, but no Kool-Aid.
  6. When a fairy godmother uses a watermelon for a coach, there's more leg-room than the traditional pumpkin coach.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Faith, Trust, and Pixie Dust

  1. There is reflection in the universal mirror so that whenever I look up, someone is always looking back down.
  2. Religion is vanity; Faith is bravery.
  3. Intelligence and Love will always prevail over dogma.
  4. There is no standard unit of measurement for righteousness.
  5. Who or how I love is of no consequence to anyone, but that I love will change the world.
  6. If the truth of proposition P1 requires the support of proposition P2, and for any proposition in the series Pn, the truth of Pn requires the support of the truth of Pn+1 then there would never be adequate support for P1. However, if the context is self-reflection then the regression is not infinite because it will end with either enlightenment or death.

Monday, May 3, 2010

5/3 - Ants, Apples, and also Smells

  1. I believe in atmospheric cookie dough.
  2. If I put pictures of certain body parts online, someone may diagnose me with a disease I don't want to know I have.
  3. Sometimes after a workout, I smell like cinnamon apples. Probably from so many years of freebasing Cinnabon. No idea about the apples.
  4. There are no mirrors in the forest because the ants and spiders would give themselves the bugouts.
  5. Luche Libre masks give you special powers, the downside is the smell on the inside of them.
  6. Gumball eyes are only a good idea in theory, in practice the reality is gruesome and ineffective.