Monday, November 16, 2009

The Aftermath of a Bacon Holiday

So the bacon and cookie party went well. Everybody seemed to have fun and eat their fill of both. I have some concerns in its wake however:

1) I suspect that standing in front of the grill filled with smoking, sometimes burning, bacon for 3 hours may have given me a case of "Bacon Lung." I have been coughing up smoke rings flavored with maple and apple wood. Is that bad?

2) From the amount of bacon and the nitrites and other chemicals contained within that I ate, I may have damaged my genome. It is possible I may be up to 7% bacon (by volume). I have a genetic test being done but the lab tech fried and ate one of the blood samples with scrambled eggs. Not a good sign.

3) I've had a sudden urge to wallow and hang out with spiders that can weave messages in their web. Unfortunately the messages so far have not been so complimentary. Instead of "Some Pig" I get stuff like "Perv" and "Sicko".

I suppose I should be more concerned with these changes but I really have to find a napkin to wipe the mayo from my chin... this BLT is delish!

Saturday, November 14, 2009

His Spirit Lives On...

Once upon a time, when I lived with my parents I rented a lot of movies. One day while my Dad had some friends over, I was on my way out to get a movie and he asked me where I was going.

"I'm going to go rent a movie," I announced.

"Again?" He asked, "You get a lot of movies."

"Yeah, but they're only a dollar," I replied.

And then in an incomprehensible yet hilarious attempt at showing off in front of his friends he said the words that my brothers and I repeat to this day:

"Why don't you give ME a dollar and I'll make YOU a movie... and not tell you the end"


Fast forward to this morning and Jubilee tells me "Dad you gotta tell a story."

"You want me to tell you a story?" I asked her.

"No, you have to tell yourself a story... in your brain."

And she walked away without further explanation.

Thanks Dad. Your silliness lives on.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Get Off My Street

Ugh. After a rebroadcast of a Sesame Street episode (2 years old) in which they took potshots at all the news outlets, morons are taking offense at Fox news being called "Pox" news. “I can’t even sit my kids in front of ‘Sesame Street’ without having to worry about the Left attempting to undermine my authority,” the blogger known as Stage Right wrote.

Um. That's because "The Street" is a leftist commie show aimed at filling kids mind with propaganda like equality, education, and creativity. Always has been, always will.

If you are so in control of your children and the message they get then:
1) This broad stroke on a revered childrens educational program will blow right past them and have no impact.
2) You should not be letting children watch any television anyway, public or otherwise.
3) You need not be so afraid that your children will figure out the "fair and balanced" is a trademark (with all the believability of stating that "processed cheese food" is food) and not a truthful statement.

To control the message, nutjobs, you must control the messenger.

So get yourself on all the boards of public broadcast stations and then vote for "dead air". Pull Sesame Street and Mister Rogers and the other shows trying to usurp your tender and tenuous grasp on authority over your children.

The education system in this country is already bankrupt, financially and morally, because of the decisions your "leaders" have made over the last 30 years.

In fact, i think perhaps if you are going to fake left and go so very far to the right let's make sure a kid never sings a song to himself, never has an original thought, never builds something with their own hands. Creativity should be quashed completely. In retrospect the socialists may not have had some bad ideas, eh?

It's the commie left wing bastards that got it ALL wrong, right? Right?

Just turn off the TV and shut up. Or don't, but please shut up. This message brought to you by the letters F and U.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

On the topic of food that comes in a spray can.

Dude, if there was an aerosol meatloaf I'd at least try it before passing judgment. In fact, I'd even throw my taste-buds at some weaponized meatloaf. Bottom line? Meatloaf! in a spray can in an unmarked van, with a fox in a box, with a mouse in a house... I would eat meatlof, man. I would eat meatloaf from a spray can.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Query: Getting Old or Need More Coffee?

Spring Forward, Fall Back means nothing to a 3 year old who runs on her own time. So, after waking up early and stumbling blind to the shower through flipped on lights and piles of laundry (of both varieties), I started the Monday clean-routine. While washing behind my ears with the washcloth I noticed something. "Oh crap! What is that white stuff?" I mumbled aloud and mildly alarmed. From inside my head, my brain yawned and whispered "Shampoo suds, dummy. Go get some coffee." After which I think I heard my brain roll over, flip me off, and go back to sleep to wait for the caffiene.

My brain is such a bastard.