Saturday, December 26, 2009

What was your best present?

Usually when somebody asks you, "what was the best gift you got this year?" They are waiting for something "new socks" or "a car" Maybe even "an Xbox 360". So what they are expecting to hear is an affirmation of a working consumerist society within the context of a holiday that includes giving as its greatest tradition.

But if you ask me what mine is, it was conversations with my daughter Jubilee. And OK maybe the conversations didn't take place all at once but it happened this Christmas and was not in response to getting presents.

Jubilee snuggles up to me, pulls my arm to her, then hugs and kisses my hand.
Jubilee: Dad, I love you.
Me: I love you too.
Jubilee: I love to love.

Jubilee pats me on my dirty, sticking-up-in-the-morning hair.
Jubilee: You're a good boy, Dad.
Me: Thanks.
Jubilee: Dad?
Me: Yes, Jubilee?
Jubilee: You're the best.
Me: You're pretty awesome yourself.
Jubilee: Awww That's so sa-weet, Dad.

Wrap that up in a gift bag every year thank you very much.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

The Ketchup/Catsup/Cat Soup Gambit

As relayed by my Mom:

I took Jubilee to see her Meemaw yesterday. Larry was there and we all walked up to Whitney's for lunch.
I put a big pool of ketchup on Jube's plate next to her chicken nuggets and fries. She started swirling it around with her finger and then sucking the ketchup off her fingers. Larry asked her if she liked ketchup and she said yes. She kept swirling and eating her ketchup. Larry suggested dipping a nugget in her ketchup and eating it. She told him maybe later. So now Larry asks her if she likes Cat Soup. She replies yes she does like cat soup. Then, Larry asks her if her Cat Soup is made out of Cats. She grins at him and tells him no it's not. He tells her that it is Cat Soup and it must be made of Cats. She tells Larry that he is silly and it isn't made of Cats.
I ask her, "Then what is your Cat Soup made of?". She looks up at me and says simply, "Tomatoes".

A Common Conversation With a Christmas Twist

About once a week Jubilee decides she really doesn't want me to go to work, which makes it very difficult to go.. Here was the conversation today.

Me: Come give me a smooch. I have to go to work.
Jubilee: No no no no no no please don't go.
M: I don't want to go, but I have to go.
J: Please stay here with me.
M: I'm sorry, but I have to go to work.
J: No, you have to stay here.
M: I have to go help Santa.
J: OK.

Monday, November 16, 2009

The Aftermath of a Bacon Holiday

So the bacon and cookie party went well. Everybody seemed to have fun and eat their fill of both. I have some concerns in its wake however:

1) I suspect that standing in front of the grill filled with smoking, sometimes burning, bacon for 3 hours may have given me a case of "Bacon Lung." I have been coughing up smoke rings flavored with maple and apple wood. Is that bad?

2) From the amount of bacon and the nitrites and other chemicals contained within that I ate, I may have damaged my genome. It is possible I may be up to 7% bacon (by volume). I have a genetic test being done but the lab tech fried and ate one of the blood samples with scrambled eggs. Not a good sign.

3) I've had a sudden urge to wallow and hang out with spiders that can weave messages in their web. Unfortunately the messages so far have not been so complimentary. Instead of "Some Pig" I get stuff like "Perv" and "Sicko".

I suppose I should be more concerned with these changes but I really have to find a napkin to wipe the mayo from my chin... this BLT is delish!

Saturday, November 14, 2009

His Spirit Lives On...

Once upon a time, when I lived with my parents I rented a lot of movies. One day while my Dad had some friends over, I was on my way out to get a movie and he asked me where I was going.

"I'm going to go rent a movie," I announced.

"Again?" He asked, "You get a lot of movies."

"Yeah, but they're only a dollar," I replied.

And then in an incomprehensible yet hilarious attempt at showing off in front of his friends he said the words that my brothers and I repeat to this day:

"Why don't you give ME a dollar and I'll make YOU a movie... and not tell you the end"


Fast forward to this morning and Jubilee tells me "Dad you gotta tell a story."

"You want me to tell you a story?" I asked her.

"No, you have to tell yourself a story... in your brain."

And she walked away without further explanation.

Thanks Dad. Your silliness lives on.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Get Off My Street

Ugh. After a rebroadcast of a Sesame Street episode (2 years old) in which they took potshots at all the news outlets, morons are taking offense at Fox news being called "Pox" news. “I can’t even sit my kids in front of ‘Sesame Street’ without having to worry about the Left attempting to undermine my authority,” the blogger known as Stage Right wrote.

Um. That's because "The Street" is a leftist commie show aimed at filling kids mind with propaganda like equality, education, and creativity. Always has been, always will.

If you are so in control of your children and the message they get then:
1) This broad stroke on a revered childrens educational program will blow right past them and have no impact.
2) You should not be letting children watch any television anyway, public or otherwise.
3) You need not be so afraid that your children will figure out the "fair and balanced" is a trademark (with all the believability of stating that "processed cheese food" is food) and not a truthful statement.

To control the message, nutjobs, you must control the messenger.

So get yourself on all the boards of public broadcast stations and then vote for "dead air". Pull Sesame Street and Mister Rogers and the other shows trying to usurp your tender and tenuous grasp on authority over your children.

The education system in this country is already bankrupt, financially and morally, because of the decisions your "leaders" have made over the last 30 years.

In fact, i think perhaps if you are going to fake left and go so very far to the right let's make sure a kid never sings a song to himself, never has an original thought, never builds something with their own hands. Creativity should be quashed completely. In retrospect the socialists may not have had some bad ideas, eh?

It's the commie left wing bastards that got it ALL wrong, right? Right?

Just turn off the TV and shut up. Or don't, but please shut up. This message brought to you by the letters F and U.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

On the topic of food that comes in a spray can.

Dude, if there was an aerosol meatloaf I'd at least try it before passing judgment. In fact, I'd even throw my taste-buds at some weaponized meatloaf. Bottom line? Meatloaf! in a spray can in an unmarked van, with a fox in a box, with a mouse in a house... I would eat meatlof, man. I would eat meatloaf from a spray can.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Query: Getting Old or Need More Coffee?

Spring Forward, Fall Back means nothing to a 3 year old who runs on her own time. So, after waking up early and stumbling blind to the shower through flipped on lights and piles of laundry (of both varieties), I started the Monday clean-routine. While washing behind my ears with the washcloth I noticed something. "Oh crap! What is that white stuff?" I mumbled aloud and mildly alarmed. From inside my head, my brain yawned and whispered "Shampoo suds, dummy. Go get some coffee." After which I think I heard my brain roll over, flip me off, and go back to sleep to wait for the caffiene.

My brain is such a bastard.

Friday, October 30, 2009

When voicemail transcription gets it wrong... so very wrong.

Hello Ryan, My name is Sophia state. Yeah, I'm a technical recruiter from to situation, hey plan resume know White died of AIDS. And, I would like to know if that available at this point of time. I have 5 3 months contract and put a business and that is if you please give me a call me back. My phone number is (817) 375-8700 Section 234.

Additional Instructions and Warnings that should be on the Box of Capsaicin:

I am quickly turning into an old man with aches and pains that Ben-gay can't touch. Sadly, I have upped the dosage on those athletic rubs to their maximum and even the strongest of them is no more effective than putting a stick of spearmint gum on my knee. So I have moved on to the rough stuff - Capsaicin. The active ingredient is the same pepper compounds as you'll find in mace. Yes the pepper spray used to incapacitate bad guys and grandmas with bad attitudes (both sprayed just before the eventual tasing). Anyhow, so I used this stuff in earnest and in copious amounts last night and here are some things I learned that might have been nice to know beforehand:

1) If you are going to take a bath so hot you could make human broth, do not apply directly after. Apparently the heat opens your pores creating direct pathways to your nerves. Imagine pouring hot sauce into a hole in your skin and you can't wash it off.

2) Soap and water are a good start in removing excess cream, but time is a better mellowing agent. Even after washing, you still might transfer some of it to another body part if it is physically heated, includes extended contact, or vigorous rubbing.

3) Gentlemen, beware not to fiddle, even mindlessly. You may love hot peppers on your hot dog but you won't want mace on your wiener.

4) Unless you enjoy the stinging nettle sensation of a Jellyfish tickle session, then there should be no reason to ever apply the cream to the back of your knee or the inside of your elbow.

5) If you take a shower the next day in water hot enough to steam sterilize silverware and brew coffee, then the heat may reactivate the cream even the next day.

6) If you are putting cream on your lower appendages, make sure it is after you at least have underwear on. Pulling on clothes could transfer the cream to other parts of the body along the path. See #4.

7) You know you're not supposed to scratch the area before or after application. That is common sense because you don't want to break the skin. Don't forget though, that scratching the area would deposit the cream under your fingernails. And you don't really want that stuff burning under your fingertips. The feeling of shooting fireballs from your fingers in cool in a magic show or on a cartoon.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Where's My Robot Dog?

Ever since I saw the movie C.H.O.M.P.S. when I was 8, I have wanted a robot dog. Given what seemed possible in 1979 and the advances in both computing and micro-circuitry since then, we should have a full functioning robot pet by now. AIBO was cool but not very personable and certainly not affordable. Also, it couldn't navigate stairs or catch a frisbee. Or run down a car and catch it with robotic jaws or find a kid buried in the snow with its super smelling detectors or whatever.

It's not like I am asking for the ubiquitous request for a jetpack. I completely understand the issues with steering guidance and landing. I also understand the implicit dangers to the legs of anybody wearing the jetpack with regards to either the flammable fuel or the compressed (cold) air used for propulsion.

No, I am just asking for my own robot pet. I'd even have been happy with a mildly intelligent robot snake. Not so cuddly but if it could follow me around and maybe carry a payload of a Payday - I'd be satisfied. But as it is, I am just disappointed with the situation. Really disappointed.

FYI: Hot gluing Erector set pieces to a rescue dog is ill-advised. And if you a teen-aged boy, you are likely to find yourself on a serial killer watch-list after they find the "suped-up" canine.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

The Eye in the Sky?

When I was a kid, I taped The Eye in the Sky by Alan Parsons Project off the radio. I listened to it over an over again. I won't admit to singing it at the top of my lungs in the privacy of my locked bedroom, but it's possible.

This morning on the drive to work it came on the radio. Ah, nostalgia.

As I'm singing along again in my musical flashback, there is a problem. I have mis-remembered the lyrics. Perhaps I always have had them wrong.

The real lyrics:

I am the eye in the sky
Looking at you
I can read your mind
I am the maker of rules
Dealing with fools

What I was singing?

I am the maker of rules
Destroying fools

Apparently my Eye in the Sky was a little more vengeful than Alan's.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

At Least it's Not the Heartbreak of Psoriasis

That pain you feel isn't heartbreak or depression, it's just Old Age slipping its rusty needle behind your kneecaps and your eyes and injecting its poison.

Jubilee's First Pun

Jubilee said she didn't want to go to the farmers market. She wanted to go to the near-mers market.

Craigslist Descriptions

OK OK Yes, technically it is true that you could say a cheap crappy desk made out of MDF is an "All Wood Desk". Technically a homemade table built out of paper towel rolls would be considered "Custom Wood Table" or a paper airplane would be "Classic Wood Construction Flyer".

Dreams of Reunion

I have been dreaming of our Reunion the last few nights. Not the real one but a John Hughes version. It's kind of a last-night-in-town scenario where everybody is trying to squeeze in all the reacquainting into a 48 hour period before we all run back to... our lives. The dreams include much more nudity and poor judgment than I remember from the actual Reunion.

80's Slogans

Wondering what other Skittles slogans were tried before "Taste the Rainbow" took the job. It was the 80s so it's possible that "Deregulate the Rainbow", "Attempt to Assassinate the Rainbow" and "Snort the Rainbow" were considered.

The failed "This is your brain on Skittles" commercial aired only once and was discontinued due to nightmares and the fact that it looked like a hot skillet full of clown vomit.

Friday, October 9, 2009

He's My President, but... The Peace Prize?

President Obama just received the Nobel Peace prize. I voted for him and I still stand by my President, but the nominations happened about 2 weeks after he was elected. There is no doubt that the world looked on in anticipation at him being our President. There is no doubt that there are countries that looked at us more favorably with him as the potential Pres. But to say that he actively pursued peace and achieved great enough success to want receiving the Nobel Peace Prize? No, I don't think so. Also, he wasn't out there as a Senator working toward peace, so that's not an accomplishment he can call his own either.

That being said, some of my more conservative and right-leaning friends have gotten really bent out of shape and have been using it to further their cause that he is not effective. To address that, I have written the following bit of fiction - a parable if you will.

If you are a Bus Driver and you inherit a farm on which an evil scientist created a shit-cyclone that randomly wipes out cities in the tri-state area... would that make YOU the bad guy? Or are you the guy that is simply responsible for trying to quiet the shitstorm and fix the damage?

No matter how optimistic you are or how much you talk big about what you're going to do with the farm once it's rid of its terribly smelly and deadly problems, that still doesn't make you an evil scientist. Truthfully, it doesn't get you a 4H award either. Not until the farm is working again.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

On "Conservative Family Values"

If you came into a country where they had strict laws against molesting livestock, where they preached against it in their churches, where children were strictly warned against the practice, and where the subject caused almost hysterical condemnation it's not because you've run into a country of animal-rights activists. You've come to a country of sheepfuckers.

People so concerned with the evil of sins tend to be the ones who think about it the most.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Girl Talk - Feed The Animals Tracks

Feed the Animals by Girl Talk

Track listing

An incomplete list of sampled tracks is included under each song.
However, the CD includes a list of source material, listing both the
song and the artist. Each track is named after a lyric contained in one of the songs it samples.

1. "Play Your Part (Pt. 1)" - 4:45

2. "Shut the Club Down" - 3:07

3. "Still Here" - 3:57

4. "What It's All About" - 4:15

5. "Set It Off" - 3:42

6. "No Pause" - 3:12

7. "Like This" - 3:21

8. "Give Me a Beat" - 4:12

9. "Hands in the Air" - 4:20

10. "In Step" - 3:23

11. "Let Me See You" - 4:04

12. "Here's the Thing" - 4:46

13. "Don't Stop" - 2:58

14. "Play Your Part (Pt. 2)" - 3:25

Unindentified samples

The following tracks were sampled on the album and listed on the "Source Material" inlet of the album, but the track in which the track is sampled is currently unknown.