Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Hillbilly Genres

One genre of hillbilly has become more widely known: thrillbilly. You know the fellas that put themselves in harms way for an adrenaline rush and an utter lack of respect for the remaining teeth in their mouths. Well, there are several other genres of hillbilly that are just important in the landscape of American experience. You should know them and like a hobbyist ornithologist, seek them out for their awe-inspiring plumage:

Pillbillies have a taste for self-medication and a stolen 'scrip for OxyContin (Hillbilly Heroin).
Drillbillies find themselves knee-deep in unread safety precautions on an oil rig.
Spillbillies find themselves on catastrophically busted oil rigs.
Chillbillies train all winter by ice fishing in their skivvies before shipping off to the Arctic.
Grillbillies make border runs for fireworks and reservation smokes and light them both off the Weber.
Frillbillies dress like gay pirates and are generally difficult to find because, like the albino alligator, they are often culled from the herd by their own.
Perhaps the rarest of them all exact revenge wearing a skin-tight yellow and black jumpsuit after being left for dead at their own wedding known best as ... wait for it... KillBillies.

Blam. I just molested y'alls funnybone.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Hands-Free Living and the Stink of Success

  1. A rectal prolapse is nothing to laugh at. Actually, as long as it isn't yours it really is something to laugh at.
  2. Only things not fit for human consumption should be candidates for total automation. e.g. Jack in the Box Robotic Food Prep, animating Disney straight-to-video sequels, modern country music production, as well as, state and federal government.
  3. The all-terrain cleaning robot is past due.
  4. Nothing should ever smell good and taste bad, coffee and popcorn I am looking at you.
  5. It is more interesting to find out the nature of what is missing than the nature of what is here.
  6. Politics at the speed of light is just flickering images of charismatic speakers.

Jubilee Story 2: A Beautiful Cat Named Murray

While at the bookstore Jubilee found a stuffed hamster that she wanted. I told her she had to earn it by writing 5 stories. Here is story number two.

A Beautiful Cat Named Murray

Once upon a time there was a beautiful cat named Murray. Sh played with 5 cats: Tack, Mo-an, Princess Meh, Neh, and Kuh. them played all together. They Played Hide-in-Closet. They played Hide a lot in the storybook. Neh was the best at the game. She was the best at the game because I love her.

Next was laying eggs. Neh layed one egg. The egg was purple. the egg was at my house, in the glass bowl. It hatched,it exploded, and turned into a bird. The bird was pink and purple. The bird flyed. It flyed all the way into your toe. And it flyed and flyed and changed colors like a chameleon.

It fell in love. It fell in love with Meke the Princess. they got a ring. them got glasses. then them got a dress. Them found a royal ring. It glowed up and made a Mermaid Kingdom. The End.

Jubilee Story 1: A Hamster Princess Castle

While at the bookstore Jubilee found a stuffed hamster that she wanted. I told her she had to earn it by writing 5 stories. Here is story number one.

A Hamster Princess Castle.

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful hamster princess named Mariana. She lived in a beautiful castle named Cololomiun. And a prince named Cullen. When the prince shows up, she dances with him. they fall in love and they fall in love again. Them fall in love. And them marry and dance around. The End.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Friendly Advice, Impossible Numbers & Colors, and The Abyss

  1. For my friend Lori, impossible life advice: Grow your own. Raise your children to be anarchists. Sleep your way to the middle. Pay bills on the float. Gamble away the college money on lottery tickets. Drink the medium stuff. But keep your good friends close because they'll get you through the rest of that crap. And never forget the lube.
  2. If it is slippery, it is fun... regardless of context.
  3. One day there will be an impossible number list that will include eleventy-seven, urtyteen, thirtyleven, and kittenteenth.
  4. There is a blue I see in my dreams that cannot exist in real life and it's called Impossiblue.
  5. Belief is that tingly feeling when the universe stares back into you.
  6. Racism comes about when small minded people strive to achieve great things.

Friday, June 25, 2010

To The Beat of a Different Drum

Dawn of the Dead, Zombieland, Fido, Resident Evil, 28 Days late, Shaun of the Dead... There are hundreds perhaps thousands of zombie movies. Most of them have the scene with the plucky survivors trapped amongst the zombie horde just trying to last one more day.

World War Z, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, How to Survive A Zombie Apocalypse... There are thousands more zombie books and many about how to survive the zombies. The fear is so great of the zombies that there are several successful book series about how to survive the inevitable zombie onslaught.

This morning my daughter crawls into bed and pretends to take bites out of my head. reminiscent of Danny's finger-voice (Tony) when he says "Redrum" in the Shining, she says to me in that evil voice, "Now I have allll the braaains."

I couldn't be prouder that she's training to lead the zombie horde instead of living as a victim.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Mostly about Love and the Things We Eat.

  1. Down Salma Hayek's blouse is a magical land of elves who live in bliss.
  2. Peace and Humptiness forever.
  3. I'd rather be a neophage and a technophile than a neophyte and a technophage. (I'd also rather have this bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.)
  4. It cannot be debated that a snozberry tastes like snozberry, but snozberry flavor is a cross between a mooseberry and a french kiss.
  5. While traveling in Amsterdam where on one side of the street is a beautiful, nearly nude, woman on a swing in a picture window and on the other is a delicious bakery with pyramids of fresh brownies and pastries... you'll find me run over in the middle of the street unable to choose
  6. I firmly (yes, firmly) believe that if nudity were more socially acceptable, obesity would be less of a problem in this country.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Monkey and Pirates, Cockfights and Pimps.

  1. Don't  monkey with your past, it can be changed.
  2. The only thing worse than shingles, is the fever for the flavor of a Pringles.
  3. Under the eyepatch of a pirate lies mystery, under the eyepatch of the modern man is something weepy.
  4. Men will always look to war as a solution to national questions, and in those cases leave the common man out of it. I propose World Leader Cockfights! Strip them to the waist, bind their arms, fit them with gaffs and let them settle it in their own blood. This could lead to electing beefy and athletic leaders, but it's be totally worth it.
  5. The anthemic song about my hip-hop exploits will inevitable be titled "Microscopic Pimpin".
  6. On the planet where language is chemical and manifests as smells, "Hello" will smell like a fart but ironically the word for "excrement" will smell like carrot cake.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Shadowless Silence, God's Ire, and Tuna Fish.

  1. Beware the man who casts no shadow.
  2. The opposite of Love isn't Hate, it's Silence.
  3. In the table of lesser known measurement conversions, there are 16 "accidents" in an "on purpose".
  4. God's most terrible torture is The Quivering Eye.
  5. When you change your mind about stupid things you make alternate future histories stupider.
  6. Tuna, delicious though it may be, does not actually come from the fish of the same name. It is an extruded protein comprised of remnants like a slab of fishy particle board.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Whites and Darks, Bigs and Smalls, Lefts and Rights.

  1. Adding izzle never made you appear any cooler. Maybe whiter.
  2. Nothing can be very unique.
  3. We've spent too much time making them bigger, now let's make them smaller.
  4. When you sort and compartmentalize your life, you lose out on the spectrum of experience. Although you really should keep your white socks and dark socks separate.
  5. The two party system is no long viable in the success of the United States, it will only drive us further toward failure as a country.
  6. Motivation is a problem that has no solution.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Alone Together with Another

  1. Monogamy is just Celibacy with an occasional dinner salad.
  2. As Mashups become more ubiquitous, smart song writers will insert stuff in the songs that naturally mix with songs they want to mix with. Like this with that.
  3. When attending a wedding, you should always have a back-up date... especially the Bride and Groom. (No reason to ruin a part due to a no-show.)
  4. CFL or LED? OLED!
  5. Where we are bears little resemblance to where they thought we'd be, and where we think we're going will bear little resemblance to where we go. So plan for today, and let tomorrow happen.
  6. I know when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em, but not when to walk away. And I don't run.

Monday, June 14, 2010

A Stroke, The Clap, Being Fat... Plus Cupcakes.

  1. I am totally up for the down stroke. (everybody get up!)
  2. Spanging is a horribly liberating profession.
  3. Applause is a form of kinetic energy that is transferred to a performer.
  4. Husky was never a less painful way to say "Fat".
  5. A cupcake is not a tiny cake; it has its own rules, physics, and personality.
  6. On some Mondays I can't pass the Turing Test.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Brought to You by the Letter "F"

  1. A carbohydrate is not love, it only smells and tastes like it.
  2. In a funny bit of foreshadowing, all of Jubilee's made up words (mostly names and pre-schooler expletives) are all brought to you by the letter "F".
  3. Living pain-free is not an option.
  4. If you're going to put your hands in my pockets, grab hold of more than just the cash.
  5. Kids don't have the most refined palates but they would make the most creative ice cream flavors.
  6. As technology connects us all and streams information into our heads, face-to-face human interaction will become more precious.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Brain, Brown, Burlesque, and Burps

  1. I dedicate too much RAM on Is-Its or Isn't Its. (Primary candidates: A Weave, A Thong, A Spoiler.)
  2. In the next life, brown and round.
  3. There is no such thing as a secret love. If it is secret, the best you can hope for is lust but it is probably just an obsession.
  4. Measurements taken of the tongue are great indicators of the Excitement and Plateau Phase of the human sexual response cycle, but the instrument to measure is unwieldy, painful, and generates an odor that interrupts the cycle.
  5. Modern entertainment would benefit greatly with a massive influx of burlesque and va-va-voom.
  6. The problem with fizzy lifting drinks was not that you'd continue to float up forever (until you "release" the gas). The problem was that they were made with high fructose corn syrup and even then, Wonka knew it was bad for kids.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Beauty Isn't Skin Deep, Shhhhhh. Now Help Me With This... Really.

  1. A cannibal society's unique concept of beauty yields wonderfully odd compliments, "Your facemeat appears delicious."
  2. A whisper isn't a secret but a promise of one.
  3. It is Birthday Season. (When isn't it?)
  4. I hope taking The High Road isn't hard on The Shins.
  5. My proclivity for apodyopsis ends with buttons.
  6. Reality is becoming more unrealistic everyday.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Gettin' Inside Your Headmeat and Your Hindmeat

  1. Growing up, my best friend was attractive, smart, and preternaturally charming - the hero - that only left me to be the sidekick or the villain in his story. Be the Hero of your own story.
  2. It is not always art.
  3. With consciousness comes contretemps.
  4. Groove is NOT in the heart; it is located in the lumbar/gluteus area.
  5. Every child, every year they are in school, should be tasked with a project to think of a creative way to make the world better.
  6. You can't be happy with clenched fists.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Leiber & Stoller: Musical Badassery!

Turns out some of my very favorite "oldies" songs from when I was a kid were written by or with Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller:

Along Came Jones  - Ray Stevens version
Charlie Brown - The definitive Coasters version
Hound Dog  - Best version EVER!
Jailhouse Rock - Blues Brothers Live
Kansas City - The Beatles? Yep.
Love Potion #9 - Neil Diamond, oh yes.
On Broadway - George Benson!
Poison Ivy - Who better to sing this song about STDs than the Rolling Stones?
Stand By Me - Almost as famous as the Ben E. King
Yakety Yak - Sha Na Na

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Highways, Healthwise, and Falling Pants

  1. A single shoe on the highway is always an indication of a recent tragedy.
  2. No one should smoke, but everybody should occasionally smoulder.
  3. The era of thongs and low-rise jeans signal the unfortunate end to the time honored tradition of pantsing. (Because, I mean, what's the point?)
  4. "Clickjacking" sounds like fun.
  5. I'm afraid of what it smells like under my ring.
  6. If it seems unhealthy, it is. If it seems healthy, it probably isn't.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Punched in the Eyes, Women's Rights, and the Illusion of Privacy

  1. Bruce  Lee was a Black Man.
  2. The only thing worse than being punch-drunk is the punch-hangover.
  3. I have looked into the eye of the island and what I saw was unsatisfying from a mythological perspective.
  4. I have stared into the ocular orbits in the Skull of Doom and gained all of its mystical powers.
  5. When women undermine each other, the terrorists win.
  6. Privacy is part of the implied agreement of the online social contract, but like the security of a locked door - it is only an illusion we perpetuate until violated.