Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Trip Status

  1. Lost a pair of underwear for four days
  2. Kicked the bed, lost a toenail
  3. Caught up with friends
  4. Caught up with enemies
  5. Still can't find the smell that occurs in hotel hall and, strangely enough, the slowest elevator on campus.
  6. Discovered that the love of libraries can counteract the fear of flying.

Thursday, April 14, 2016

The Magic of Words

Imagine a minute that we live in a orld where magic exists. Not the wand waving, cursed apple, sparkly vampire kind of magic world, but a world where the careful application of words can affect people's perception of this world. You don't need to imagine it, because this is where we live. Today. And just like in the magical realms we read about, the naming of things have power - real power. Instead of calling someone "poor" you call them "lazy". Instead of "disabled" you call them "spaz". Instead of "hope you call it "unrealistic". Perceptions can change when the words are heard enough. Perceptions definitely change when you say the words enough. Choose your words wisely, whether you say them or hear them. We can all be magicians in this world. Are you a good one or an evil one? Choose wisely.

Tuesday, April 5, 2016


It's time to shoot for the moon. I sincerely doubt Bernie's proposals will be ruinous. Frankly, we'd be lucky to get a couple through congress. Realistically, congress would never go for them all and as proposed. But to simply be content with incremental changes is the weakness of moderation -all the time. If we don't go for it then we will never get there. It's the Dichotomy Paradox. Hence the reference to the moonshot. We will never know what we are capable of unless we try. There is great value in trying. The lessons we can learn from trying. But to dismiss a thing as impossible is to discount its value and the value of trying. I find value in all Sanders' proposals. And if only meet half of them or only get halfway there then we are better off. I'm an optimist, but also a realist. Now is the time to try to be both. We are two countries and the poorest more disenfranchised will never be able to succeed if the richest most privileged tell us it's impossible... And we listen.

Friday, April 1, 2016

April Foolishness

I got my first car.
I lost my first car.
I got a fast car, fast enough to fly away
My favorite author was born.
My favorite author died.
I published my first book
I lost my only book to a computer crash
My favorite musician was born.
My favorite musician died.
I sold my first song
My first song was stolen
I had my first drink.
I had my last drink.
I had my first cigarette.
I had my last cigarette.
In the midnight hour I cried, "more... more... more."
With a rebel yell I cried, "more...more...more."
I started my forever job.
I lost my forever job
I got the first punch on my V-card
I got the tenth punch on my V-card and a free 6" sub.
I was denied recruitment due to disability
I witnessed a UFO
I witnessed an Angel
I witnessed a Demon
I became a Jehovah's Witness
I started my own cult, by accident
I saw my favorite band in concert.
I saw my least favorite band in concert
I went to my first concert
My first visit to the bookmobile
My last visit to the bookmobile
I drove the bookmobile
I found my true love
I lost my first love
I found my first love with my true love, lovin' each other

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Conjugating Visitations GPS

  1. A grope is only a promise of things to come.
  2. A grape is a promise of wine to come.
  3. A gripe is a promise of trouble yet to come.
  4. A group is a promise of someone to be left out.
  5. Grappa is the promise of a grape, long ago.
  6. Greap is the promise of the end.

Saturday, March 26, 2016

Something's Vile in Alberta

  1. A Vile Vortex, also known as a Devil’s Graveyard, is a purportedly tricky site of unexplained disappearances and other mysterious phenomena. Most notable of these are the Bermuda Triangle and the Devil's Sea near Japan. A new one was  discovered on December 22, 1970 and is centered on Foothills General Hospital in Calgary, Canada.
  2. The urgency of a fart and the urgency of diarrhea feel exactly the same. Don’t be caught with your pants up.
  3. Descarfes held that non-human politicians could be reductively explained as automata — Dum homine, 1666.
  4. An epiphenomenon is a secondary phenomenon that occurs alongside or in parallel to a primary phenomenon, which is to say the epiphenomenon is a consequence of the primary phenomenon. Often it implies a mind-body connection in which the physical experience connects to a thought or vice-versa. For example: Thinking of you gives me a boner.
  5. After the loss of public interest in space exploration after the Apollo 11 mission, Journey to the Far Side of the Sun was considered a flop of a movie. Little know was this was a fictionalized account of our discovery of the Counter-Earth. The place where the true Illuminati are planning to move based on the next Presidential election.
  6. Sometimes science is more art than science.


Thursday, March 24, 2016

Thematically Dispersed

  1. I can’t even,” you say? Psssht. I already didn’t have bothered.
  2. Dev, Val, Qual, and Prod sounds less like IT environments and more like Dutch porn stars.
  3. New dirty word: Schlurck. Verb. (of a person or animal) be or remain hidden so as to wait in ambush for someone to swallow.
  4. Word that sounds dirty but isn’t: Skroot. Verb. To take potentially destructive data and crowdsource it for validity and potential utility.
  5. The meticulous nature of your first daily cup of tea is inversely proportional to the necessity of your 6th cup of the day.
  6. If someone tells you how they feel, pay no attention. Language is the worst way of conveying a complex emotion. If that same person hands you a painting as part of an interpretive dance? That shit’s the really real, so you better take heed.

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

A Return to Impossible

  1. The transference of an emotion, an idea, an image, or a notion through a medium is the essence of art.
  2. Before Queen E, I fancied myself a Child of Honor, which is to say that I have groomed Friesians as Hengist for the Old Frisians. As a man of hench, a henchman, you could say I have, albeit erroneously, been known to serve at the haunch. The haunch being the place where the leg and the hip join. I live at this joint, somewhat behind. It can be said that this place I live, the place that gives me life… is the ass. I am an ass man.
  3. A martyr is a man who suffers persecution and death for his beliefs. A heathen is one who suffers persecution and death for yours.
  4. The first of its kind is often the most joyous time in history, the last of it’s kind the saddest.
  5. Her light exertion in the morning sun, aggrieves the sensible and brings on my osphresiolagnia

Monday, May 20, 2013

Working with Tools. Part 1

After returning from Germany, one of my work colleagues (K) who went on the trip stopped by my desk to see how my return flight was. Small talk, small talk, small talk...

I mentioned that I brought home some delicious and hardy German bread from a cool bakery I found on Hauptstra├če. I explained it was called "Candy Mix" and she got all flustered like it was actually filled with candy. I told her that it was a truly multigrain bread unlike the brown white bread we get in the US. I told her it was covered and filled with nuts and seeds. We proceeded to have this conversation.

K: Did you claim it on your customs form?
M: Why?
K: Seeds.
M: Seeds? No. That part of the form is about plants and plantable seeds. Like Agriculture.
K:It doesn't matter. It doesn't specify what kind of seeds.
M: Would you really would have claimed a loaf of multigrain bread because of the seeds.
K:Yes, I would.
K:Yes, it says seeds.
M:Would you claim a poppyseed muffin?
M:A poppyseed muffin? Come on.
K:Well, did I eat it at the airport?
M:If you did you wouldn't have to claim it.
K:Then yes, still.
M: Have you ever heard anybody talk about the Spirit of the Law over the Letter of the Law?
K:Sure, I know the letter of the law.
M:That's for sure.

And you might extrapolate that working and traveling with her is a freaking treat. I'm not saying that I enjoy "rule breakers" but I certainly do not enjoy strict adherents to the rules. No fun. No fun at all.

Friday, September 14, 2012

The Lone Ranger's Creed

The Lone Ranger's Creed

"I believe that to have a friend,
a man must be one. 

That all men are created equal
and that everyone has within himself
the power to make this a better world. 

That God put the firewood there
but that every man
must gather and light it himself.

In being prepared
physically, mentally, and morally
to fight when necessary
for that which is right. 

That a man should make the most
of what equipment he has.

That 'This government,
of the people, by the people
and for the people'
shall live always.

That men should live by
the rule of what is best
for the greatest number. 

That sooner or later...
we must settle with the world
and make payment for what we have taken.

That all things change but truth,
and that truth alone, lives on forever.

In my Creator, my country, my fellow man."

Thursday, August 9, 2012

My next band...

My next band will be a hardcore emo shoegazer project in which every song will evoke the emotional equivalent of a lemon-juice-eye-scrape. We will be named The Duckling Slaughterhouse 5. Our first LP will be entitled Unexpurgated. You will not be cool enough to attend our first show but you may be cool enough to lie and say you were there... and we sucked.

Track 1: Runny Nose and Bad Intent
Track 2: Auto-Neurotic Asphyxiation
Track 3: Unironic Love Song in D Minor
Track 4: Laughtrack for My Loneliness
Track 5: Brunchfuck
Track 6: Arterial Insufficiency
Track 7: Swallow (Or the Terrorists Win)
Track 8: Whiskeyboarding
Track 9: The Unbearable Lightness of Joy
Track 10: It's Only Hard Until it Isn't
Track 11: I Sparkle, I Bite
Track 12: Spankthrift

Bonus Track: Twerkfare
And a 6 minute darkwave cover of:

Monday, April 23, 2012

A Return to Belief, 6 Things.

It has been a while. I hope this will be more regular than it has been. Remember to hit the embedded links for more fun.

  1. Bat bites give people super powers.
  2. Everything that is wider than it is tall is meant to be enjoyed while laying on your side.
  3. Punchification isn't just fun, it is a way of life... for your face.
  4. Anything worth doing is worth doing mono-chromatically.
  5. I personally know people that are unlikely to pass the Turing Test.
  6. The world's economic troubles and swirling bouts of depression could be solved with Live Animal Butlers.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Dream lyric: About you

I got a hole in my liver in the shape of you.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Thanksgiving Tradition

Ryan's Traditional Cranberry Sauce Recipe

Step 1. Open can.
Step 2. Slide out the purple gelatinous cylinder.

Step 3. Slice along can indentations.
Step 4. Serve on festive McDonalds plate

Step 5. Place in corner and pretend nobody is going to eat it.
Step 6. Marvel at how many people are subconsciously drawn to its jiggly tartness.