3/29 - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast

1. As long as I ask myself what the last thing on my mind is then the last thing on my mind will be "the last thing on my mind."
2. The Loch Ness Monster isn't a monster at all, he's just misunderstood.
3. Memories are a combination of chemicals and electricity in the brain that one day will be replicated exactly. Until then memories have to be shared through the telling of stories.
4. A mob is a living organism comprised of human beings, activated by pheromones, easily led by emotion, and with regards to intelligence it is far less than the sum of its parts.
5. Blue is the average of all colors divided by preference. Pink is the sum of all colors filtered by a princess.
6. The cause of an argument is easily determined by the objects thrown. Often that is simply "Proximity".

3/27 - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast

1. A return to simpleness will never bring happiness.
2. Evolution has a goal.
3. I believe in invisible, not imaginary, friends.
4. A man and his guitar is infinitely more powerful than either on their own.
5. Only when the beauty of an object can be quantified exactly and described succinctly,can it then be extracted,  transferred, or duplicated. Until then it is just an approximation of beauty.
6. Time is not only relative, it is arbitrary and sometimes vindictive.

Bestiary Edition - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast

I believe in the existence of each of these animals despite evidence to the contrary, or simple common sense.

1. The Yuck Snail (Achatina Lingua Yucca) travels not by his slimy foot but along his drooling tongue, tasting every inch of where he's been.
2. Montgolfier's Frog (Eleutherodactylus Legumen Volaticus) eats only beans so that it can inflate its throat and travel from bean field to bean field in the search for a mate. Their mating song is rather grotesque.
3. The Lazy Skeeter (Anopheles Sofi Kartfla) is a Midwestern mosquito attracted specifically to the light frequencies emitted from televisions and the scent of cheese powder used to flavor a variety of corn based snacks. May also be attracted to the moisture in tears and the sounds of masturbation.
4. Edward's Bat (Diaemus Joven Blanco) is a variety of vampire bat that perches in the farthest corners of caves, shunning all other bats, and emits a powerful pheromone. Despite showing no outwardly interest most female bats of any species and within range are helplessly attracted to it.
5. Hobson's Mackerel (Zwangslage Patronus) is a brackish water fish that filters salt water through its gills and exhales freshwater. Although it is a potentially invaluable fish for this ability it also excretes a submicron bacterial toxin in the process which makes creatures sterile. It is unknown how the fish reproduces.
6. Leftway Island (Laevus Levus Islandus) is a former archipelago microecosystem in which all the animals have evolved counter to their counterparts. All the dogs chase their tails counter-clockwise. All the monkeys are left-hand dominant. And the corkscrew penis of the pigs all twist clockwise.

3/25 - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast

1. Confidence is wasted on the invincible.
2. No superhero's secret identity would ever wear Crocs.
3. There's Spanish gold hidden in the swamp.
4. All the world's conflicts could be helped along with a burrito and an orgasm. Opposing forces need not share them, just partake.
5. I'd have better luck swatting flies if I had a cow tail.
6. It's not the science of the the movie "Somewhere in Time" that I find unbelievable because I find it sound. It is the love story that I cannot believe.

3/24 - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast

1. All poisons, when moving from the liquid to a gaseous state, appear briefly as a skull made of smoke before dissipating.
2. Happiness is a flavor only dogs can taste.
3. I believe a fairy is born when a baby laughs for the first time, but I am afraid of what is made the first time the same child hits another.
4. Although there is no solid evidence either way, I believe Toby deserved to be taken to the castle beyond the Goblin City and turned into a goblin.
5. A world powered by steam would be cleaner but disastrous for the the hair dressing industries.
6. There is a clown face that when painted makes a smile a frown and a frown a smile. But it is the tight lipped line of indifference that will make you weep with confusion.

3/23- 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast

1. Any person with which you currently have issues and with enough effort, time, attention, and TLC can be made to taste delicious when salt cured and smoked. Sorry, no vegetarian alternatives are available.
2. Delicious garlic breadsticks never made anything worse.
3. Pain is the true measure of being alive, taking risks, and learning to do things the wrong way first.
4. One day we will control our cars with our minds which will make for a funny morning rush hour for people who put on make-up or shave on the way to work.
5. A follicle is only the chance of a hair, not a promise.
6. Like baby dragons, all kittens are cute but grow up to be evil creatures. It's just their nature.

I am the Schrödinger's cat of politics.

I am indeterminate, in a state of both for and against. I am both, though likely either not neither, until the instant of observation and decoherence. When I and the observer with the deadly apparatus and the box in which I sit converge into a single reality once the waveform has collapsed. We are entangled, the observer and I, until that moment when I am - we are - observed and then I shall be of one mind.

3/22- -6 impossible things I believed before breakfast

1. There is a color that, while seemingly invisible, when experienced makes us hungry.
2. Like the Lyre Bird which can approximate any sound it hears, there is a large mammal that can approximate anything it sees, but it only sees in black and white.
3. Non-Newtonian fluids could be mixed with tattoo ink to make us bulletproof.
4. Underneath the matted and knotted fur of any creature is something unbelievably soft, you just have to work to get at it.
5. Reality isn't made just by you, it is a tapestry woven by society and if there wasn't the pulling tight of opposing fibers it would fall apart with fragility.
6. God/The Great Maker/The Prime Mover must be feminine because boobs are the greatest creation in all of creation.

3/20 - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast

1. Every round object, affixed to and slightly raised from a surface, that is generally fingertip sized is a button that activates or deactivates something... somewhere.
2. Relatedly, every switch that does not apparently turn anything on or off does something terrible and unseen when you use it.
3. A drawing is a rendering of what the eye sees; a song is a rendering of what the heart sees.
4. It only takes 90 squares to make a circle.
5. A redhead will be the architect of my demise.
6. A cloaca would be easier.

3/19 - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast - March 19

1. There are parts of the body accessible only by touch that are otherwise unseeable and unknowable.
2. Oatmeal is only properly served spread on warm buttered toast.
3. The Sweet Hereafter doesn't smell sweet but instead savory. The infernal stinks of everlasting sweet.
4. In the deepest parts of the oceans lives something smarter than us, but also hungrier.
5. Kids cling to beloved toys as talismans against the dark because it works.
6. The Professor could have gotten them off the island whenever he wanted.

3/18 - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast - March 18

1. Just after drowning, my gills would emerge too late.
2. I am a being comprised of organizations of smaller beings. Beings that uniquely exist in me, as me, making me a Supra-Organism.
3. A mirror is a TV screen from another universe that someone is watching whereas a window is a slight chance of being seen by a passer-by in this universe. This is why I'll walk naked by a window but not a mirror.
4. I push moving cars with willpower and hand movements from inside my own vehicle.
5. Sometimes my thoughts are not my own, but I have no idea whose they are.
6. When we change the perception of hurt, anger will disappear.

3/17 - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast - March 17

1. Only art evokes emotion without context.
2. Somewhere in China, there is a version of me.
3. Squirrels lay eggs.
4. In my dreams I float, not fly, and if I were to wake up at the right time and in the right way, I would still.
5. There is at least one piece of great art in everyone.
6. I can't talk with a hippo but I can talk with a gorilla who can talk with a parrot who can invite a hippo for tea.

3/16 - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast - March 16

1. In a world full of princes, a queen would be king.
2. Through the hearts of the palms of my hands, I can collect steam heat.
3. Under a tree, in the short grass, after sunset and as the moon rises, a gentle Summer breeze blows and I experience the curvature of the Earth.
4. The next card will be the one I need.
5. As my eyelids droop and just before the darkness, starting at the horizon the sky fills with crows.
6. The greater our connection, despite proximity, the greater the chance that I know where your lost things are.

The 6(+1) Impossible Things I Believed Before Breakfast

1. Love is an invisible being that follows people around rewarding the Good and punishing the Bad, also sometimes punishing the Good.
2. I am the weaver of reality. Perhaps not my own but somewhere. My thoughts generate a Modal Reality.
3. Two things in close contact, over time, become part of each other - transferring consciousness and attributes to each other. A nerd and his computer, a messenger and his bike, a person and their pet.

4. Language organizes and creates thoughts instead of the other way around.

5. Gender is arbitrary and now irrelevant to reproduction.

6. I can slay the Jabberwock.

7. All living things emit an energy that one day we will harness to run our gadgets. I am so sick of batteries.

Wisdom from a Broken Toy.

Sometimes you need the context of an anecdote before it makes sense. This time, it makes better sense without.

Jubilee: Daddy, do everybody get broken hearts?
Me: Yeah, sometimes. How do you think they get broken?
Jubilee: Peoples steps on 'em.
Me: How do you think we can fix those broken hearts?
Jubilee: They work again if you just sqeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezes em until they light up.
*tear*
Me: Yeah that's a pretty good way.

Best Movie Review EVER!

Ong Bak 2:

When a movie is just a series of excuses to beat the shit out of everyone for 90 minutes, that’s called action porn. Jason Statham makes one of these every three months. I think the plot to his last movie was that he got his dick caught in a pile of meat and the only way to get it out was drag racing against the President of Tits.

In 2003, Tony Jaa made Ong Bak and changed the face of action porn forever. It was the kind of movie where a guy would go looking for his village’s missing statue head and accidentally walk through an underground martial arts tournament and then accidentally win it. In one scene, he dumped his leg in oil, lit it on fire, did a 360 off a truck and kicked a guy with it. For you ladies that don’t know anything about finishing moves, that’s like killing a guy so hard that four of his Facebook posts disappear.


Care of Seanbaby: http://www.cracked.com/blog/ong-bak-2-action-porn-evolved/

Time for a DNA Geneology Test

Jubilee asked us to get her an icicle, not a popsicle, for her to eat. We pulled one and put it in a bowl in pieces. She came to me with one of the thicker pieces and said, "I can't bite this. I don't have super duper teeth."
I said, "You're right. Maybe a polar bear could do it."
She told me "I'm a little bit polar bear" and showed me with a hand gesture the tiniest bit she could muster.

She does so love the cold, maybe she is a little bit polar bear. Sally will be devastated to know Jubilee's not a desert creature.

What was your best present?

Usually when somebody asks you, "what was the best gift you got this year?" They are waiting for something "new socks" or "a car" Maybe even "an Xbox 360". So what they are expecting to hear is an affirmation of a working consumerist society within the context of a holiday that includes giving as its greatest tradition.

But if you ask me what mine is, it was conversations with my daughter Jubilee. And OK maybe the conversations didn't take place all at once but it happened this Christmas and was not in response to getting presents.

Jubilee snuggles up to me, pulls my arm to her, then hugs and kisses my hand.
Jubilee: Dad, I love you.
Me: I love you too.
Jubilee: I love to love.

Jubilee pats me on my dirty, sticking-up-in-the-morning hair.
Jubilee: You're a good boy, Dad.
Me: Thanks.
Jubilee: Dad?
Me: Yes, Jubilee?
Jubilee: You're the best.
Me: You're pretty awesome yourself.
Jubilee: Awww That's so sa-weet, Dad.

Wrap that up in a gift bag every year thank you very much.

The Ketchup/Catsup/Cat Soup Gambit

As relayed by my Mom:

I took Jubilee to see her Meemaw yesterday. Larry was there and we all walked up to Whitney's for lunch.
I put a big pool of ketchup on Jube's plate next to her chicken nuggets and fries. She started swirling it around with her finger and then sucking the ketchup off her fingers. Larry asked her if she liked ketchup and she said yes. She kept swirling and eating her ketchup. Larry suggested dipping a nugget in her ketchup and eating it. She told him maybe later. So now Larry asks her if she likes Cat Soup. She replies yes she does like cat soup. Then, Larry asks her if her Cat Soup is made out of Cats. She grins at him and tells him no it's not. He tells her that it is Cat Soup and it must be made of Cats. She tells Larry that he is silly and it isn't made of Cats.
I ask her, "Then what is your Cat Soup made of?". She looks up at me and says simply, "Tomatoes".

A Common Conversation With a Christmas Twist

About once a week Jubilee decides she really doesn't want me to go to work, which makes it very difficult to go.. Here was the conversation today.

Me: Come give me a smooch. I have to go to work.
Jubilee: No no no no no no please don't go.
M: I don't want to go, but I have to go.
J: Please stay here with me.
M: I'm sorry, but I have to go to work.
J: No, you have to stay here.
M: I have to go help Santa.
J: OK.