Friday, March 26, 2010

Bestiary Edition - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast

I believe in the existence of each of these animals despite evidence to the contrary, or simple common sense.
  1. The Yuck Snail (Achatina Lingua Yucca) travels not by his slimy foot but along his drooling tongue, tasting every inch of where he's been.
  2. Montgolfier's Frog (Eleutherodactylus Legumen Volaticus) eats only beans so that it can inflate its throat and travel from bean field to bean field in the search for a mate. Their mating song is rather grotesque.
  3. The Lazy Skeeter (Anopheles Sofi Kartfla) is a Midwestern mosquito attracted specifically to the light frequencies emitted from televisions and the scent of cheese powder used to flavor a variety of corn based snacks. May also be attracted to the moisture in tears and the sounds of masturbation.
  4. Edward's Bat (Diaemus Joven Blanco) is a variety of vampire bat that perches in the farthest corners of caves, shunning all other bats, and emits a powerful pheromone. Despite showing no outwardly interest most female bats of any species and within range are helplessly attracted to it.
  5. Hobson's Mackerel (Zwangslage Patronus) is a brackish water fish that filters salt water through its gills and exhales freshwater. Although it is a potentially invaluable fish for this ability it also excretes a submicron bacterial toxin in the process which makes creatures sterile. It is unknown how the fish reproduces.
  6. Leftway Island (Laevus Levus Islandus) is a former archipelago microecosystem in which all the animals have evolved counter to their counterparts. All the dogs chase their tails counter-clockwise. All the monkeys are left-hand dominant. And the corkscrew penis of the pigs all twist clockwise.

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