Brought to You by the Letter "F"

1. A carbohydrate is not love, it only smells and tastes like it.
2. In a funny bit of foreshadowing, all of Jubilee's made up words (mostly names and pre-schooler expletives) are all brought to you by the letter "F".
3. Living pain-free is not an option.
4. If you're going to put your hands in my pockets, grab hold of more than just the cash.
5. Kids don't have the most refined palates but they would make the most creative ice cream flavors.
6. As technology connects us all and streams information into our heads, face-to-face human interaction will become more precious.

Brain, Brown, Burlesque, and Burps

1. I dedicate too much RAM on Is-Its or Isn't Its. (Primary candidates: A Weave, A Thong, A Spoiler.)
2. In the next life, brown and round.
3. There is no such thing as a secret love. If it is secret, the best you can hope for is lust but it is probably just an obsession.
4. Measurements taken of the tongue are great indicators of the Excitement and Plateau Phase of the human sexual response cycle, but the instrument to measure is unwieldy, painful, and generates an odor that interrupts the cycle.
5. Modern entertainment would benefit greatly with a massive influx of burlesque and va-va-voom.
6. The problem with fizzy lifting drinks was not that you'd continue to float up forever (until you "release" the gas). The problem was that they were made with high fructose corn syrup and even then, Wonka knew it was bad for kids.

Beauty Isn't Skin Deep, Shhhhhh. Now Help Me With This... Really.

1. A cannibal society's unique concept of beauty yields wonderfully odd compliments, "Your facemeat appears delicious."
2. A whisper isn't a secret but a promise of one.
3. It is Birthday Season. (When isn't it?)
4. I hope taking The High Road isn't hard on The Shins.
5. My proclivity for apodyopsis ends with buttons.
6. Reality is becoming more unrealistic everyday.

Gettin' Inside Your Headmeat and Your Hindmeat

1. Growing up, my best friend was attractive, smart, and preternaturally charming - the hero - that only left me to be the sidekick or the villain in his story. Be the Hero of your own story.
2. It is not always art.
3. With consciousness comes contretemps.
4. Groove is NOT in the heart; it is located in the lumbar/gluteus area.
5. Every child, every year they are in school, should be tasked with a project to think of a creative way to make the world better.
6. You can't be happy with clenched fists.

Leiber & Stoller: Musical Badassery!

Turns out some of my very favorite "oldies" songs from when I was a kid were written by or with Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller:

Along Came Jones  - Ray Stevens version

Charlie Brown - The definitive Coasters version

Hound Dog  - Best version EVER!

Jailhouse Rock - Blues Brothers Live

Kansas City - The Beatles? Yep.

Love Potion #9 - Neil Diamond, oh yes.

On Broadway - George Benson!

Poison Ivy - Who better to sing this song about STDs than the Rolling Stones?

Stand By Me - Almost as famous as the Ben E. King

Yakety Yak - Sha Na Na

Highways, Healthwise, and Falling Pants

1. A single shoe on the highway is always an indication of a recent tragedy.
2. No one should smoke, but everybody should occasionally smoulder.
3. The era of thongs and low-rise jeans signal the unfortunate end to the time honored tradition of pantsing. (Because, I mean, what's the point?)
4. "Clickjacking" sounds like fun.
5. I'm afraid of what it smells like under my ring.
6. If it seems unhealthy, it is. If it seems healthy, it probably isn't.

Punched in the Eyes, Women's Rights, and the Illusion of Privacy

1. Bruce  Lee was a Black Man.
2. The only thing worse than being punch-drunk is the punch-hangover.
3. I have looked into the eye of the island and what I saw was unsatisfying from a mythological perspective.
4. I have stared into the ocular orbits in the Skull of Doom and gained all of its mystical powers.
5. When women undermine each other, the terrorists win.
6. Privacy is part of the implied agreement of the online social contract, but like the security of a locked door - it is only an illusion we perpetuate until violated.

Something Old, Something New, Something Awesome, Something You & Christopher Walken

1. In response to all the confusion over the word "Theory", it will now be called The Law of Adaptation. So get over it and ... adapt. (Please Read "Life's Grand Design" by Kenneth Miller"
2. We have adapted our number system (Base 10) from the visual stimulus of number of fingers/toes. On the planet of blind shark people, it is based on the number of teeth in their mouth (Base 3000).
3. When I am not ever-vigilante, the lines of perceptive bend before the vanishing point and the horizon collapses.
4. The extremes of personal physical enhancement will swing hard the other way until people are totally cool with how they look and may pounce on and eat the fleshy parts of the altered people.
5. Very soon the women of the United States, regardless of differences, will unite to ouster the male dominated federal and state governmental bodies. Worldwide in that same year, every election in which women are allowed to vote will echo the female revolution.
6. Modern music is on the precipice of getting awesome, ubiquitous, terrible, and inescapable all at the same time.

Eternal Struggles, Food for Muggles, and Space Shuttles

1. It's never really about Light versus Dark, it's always about Progress versus Regress.
2. A flag is never as important as what it stands for. One is worth dying for and one is not.
3. No matter how you define it, there is nothing wrong and everything right with "Hot Pockets".
4. Since my position is nearly absolute (especially after 7pm on a weekday: Couch) then it is unreasonable to know my momentum, with any degree of certainty or accuracy.
5. When I hear people talk I am often completely distracted imagining them filled with "Ingredient S".
6. When Billy Bob and his Boys track the global killer en route to Earth, the only solution will be to divulge the existence of the secret space shuttle... now that Atlantis has been grounded.

Open Up, Bottoms Up, Fired Up, Man Up, Ground Up, Look Up

1. When I close my eyes to sleep, reality becomes fluid and only when I open my eyes again does it again become solid.
2. Fat bottomed girls you make the rockin' world go round.
3. Having a gun doesn't make you right, nor does it make you wrong. It only indicates what you are prepared to do no matter which of them you end up to be.
4. When you picket or protest at a funeral, whatever God you believe in is looking down on you and at that moment will turn away in disgust. In other words, you are going to the bad place. Even if there isn't one - somebody is building a hot burny place right now.
5. The only time it is appropriate to use the word "process" with regards to a human being is when you are making sausage out of them.
6. The only difference between a mountain and a molehill is perspective.

Love American Style, Lost, Weeds, on Mute and Recorded for Later

1. I once lived a lifetime with her in an afternoon.
2. When your actual weight is 10 pounds under the lie you told on your driver's license, the wheel begins to spin backward.
3. A hybrid between the peanut and hemp plants would be the most versatile and most politically volatile plant ever cultivated.
4. There comes a time in a relationship where two people are so familiar with each other that external communication is unnecessary and that the whole of the day can be summed up with either a thumbs up or thumbs down right before bed.
5. Sooner than later, all the changes in the TV lineups will be so fluid and unmanageable that no one will watch "live" TV but go to their DVR or Computer to see the latest episode of their favorite show.
6. The islands are *NOT* calling me home.

Visions and Whispers in the Dark, Misreading, and World Leading

1. I have seen the Fnords.
2. "Human" Males and Females are different species that have formed a symbiotic relationship based on the necessity to procreate. As proof consider that which often disgusts a woman, equally excites a man.
3. In these trying economic times and with the tightening of the belt comes the need of a nourishing lunch for a nickel again.
4. Like late-night snippets of faraway AM radio broadcasts, the following phrases have popped into my head throughout my life, in response to and apropos of nothing: "Don't you know who I am?"; "Oranges? O-ranges!"; "Liberty Flibbertigibbet"; "There used to be a piano here."
5. The trend of ignoring labels will come to a head when emolliating cream is replaced with immolation cream. People may grumble at first, but they will still report to Carousel in the hope of Renewal.
6. The DNA of Peter Ustinov is being preserved for the day when the World Federalist Movement needs its first Leader.

Diplomacy and Prejudice from the Perpective of a Little Girl

A fairly normal conversation with Jubilee while out and about:

Jubilee: Hey, look! It's my friend!
Us: That little girl over there?
Jubilee: Yeah! Can you tell me her name?
Us: Do you know that girl?
Jubilee: Not Yet.

(Jubilee runs over to introduce herself... and then her parents, and anybody else around that she knows.)

Imagine how much better the world might be if we approached each person this way.

Ups and Downs, New Tastes, Misadventures, and The Fonz

1. I have entered an elevator on the ground floor, hit the top floor button, and been surprised that it didn't go down.
2. Collusion is a secret, sometimes illegal, new flavor of Jell-O brand gelatin that is officially endorsed by the health insurance industry.
3. Though it's more likely that the Pinky Tuscadero look will come back into style, I will cross my fingers for the Leather Tuscadero line next Fall.
4. Cracker Jacks will re-take the adult snack market when it introduces 100 calorie packs that include lenticular pin-up prizes inside.
5. With the ever increasing extremes that people will go to get off, the standard coroner's report worksheet will add a checkbox for "Sexual Misadventure".
6. The Hollywood trend of remaking everything will come to a head when the animated TV series "The Fonz and the Happy Days Gang" again time travels onto your screen. It will only be one season before it is again merged with the animated "Laverne & Shirley in the Army" before network executives publicly admit that they are douchebags.

That Which Holds Us Together and Seperates Us

1. Nothing good can come from anything that smells like glue, but isn't strictly glue.
2. In the Land of Constant Sorrow, they serve powdered eggs for breakfast, you have to exercise long enough to ache but not long enough to see benefits, and there is no ibuprofen.
3. At the intersection of line art, linear equations, line dancing, and line following robots is cool bar that serves 1000 whiskeys straight-up and will be the epicenter of the techno-Armageddon.
4. Say what you want about the solemnity of weddings, but a kid in a tux and in converse tennis shoes makes for great pictures.
5. Skateboarding is NOT a crime; it is just one way of getting kids active and out of the house.
6. People will tire of "The Package" and the return of Talent will invigorate music and balance The Force.

Mummy, I am growing hair in weird places...

1. In the Ultimate Battle-Beard Championship title round, Alan Moore will use his Glycon Attack and the Northampton Accent Gambit to fight to a draw Rick Ruben with his Beastie Boy Tag Team Counter and the Krush Groove Defense. Frank Beard will be disqualified on a facial hair technicality.
2. A Zip Drive built into the fly of a pair of corduroy pants may be both genius and madness.
3. As Global Warming really begins to steam us up, the kilt will become more popular than ever.
4. Due to the inevitable confusion over the Dunning-Kruger Effect and those who experience it, it will simple be known as The Stupid is as Stupid Does Phenomenom (sic).
5. Just hours before her first scene in the porn version of Twilight, someone will find Kristin Stewart's personality behind a radiator at the Chateau Marmont simultaneously ending her porn career and reinvigorating her film career.
6. There won't ever again be a reason to have toe hair, but it won't evolve away. Might as well grow it long, braid it, why not put something pretty in it.

The When and Where of Things, maybe even the Whats

1. Any time of day, somewhere in the world, it is Hammertime.
2. A group of database queries are called an Interrogation of queries. A group of data transformations, complex actions that can essentially edit the underlying language in arbitrary ways, is called a Waterboard of transformations.
3. In the morning, out of the corner of my eye, I can see the dreamscape fading with the sunrise.
4. Thunder is the sound of unicorns stampeding across the sky, but lightning is just an atmospheric discharge of electricity.
5. All dogs are boys and all cats are girls.
6. There is a black hole in every galaxy and it serves as the cosmic privy.

In the future things will be worse, skinnier, curvier, more intelligent, and en flambé.

1. When I say "dummy", in my head I hear Redd Foxx.
2. In a post-singularity world, porn will be worse but instantly accessible.
3. After I lose this weight, people will stop whispering "Oh, well I hope he's rich, funny, or has a giant wiener."
4. The male preference for an 11 will soon return to preferring a woman who's an 8.
5. In the world inhabited by sentient dogs, a smile will serve as a challenge. Unless there is a duck in its maw, then it's a dinner invitation.
6. The battle over the final million barrels of oil will be brutal and will end in the destruction of at least half of it to collateral damage.

Stuff that goes in the Body and stuff you put the Body in.

1. I believe there are underused words that deserve a comeback: dandy, jism, and penultimate.
2. I want a pet Golliwog, but only if it's not racist.
3. The appropriate base for a Vorpal sword is a baculum from the Mysticeti
4. Once we find the optimum body shape, then losing weight should just make us more diminutive but maintain the same proportions.
5. When I start my cult there will be snacks, but no Kool-Aid.
6. When a fairy godmother uses a watermelon for a coach, there's more leg-room than the traditional pumpkin coach.

Faith, Trust, and Pixie Dust

1. There is reflection in the universal mirror so that whenever I look up, someone is always looking back down.
2. Religion is vanity; Faith is bravery.
3. Intelligence and Love will always prevail over dogma.
4. There is no standard unit of measurement for righteousness.
5. Who or how I love is of no consequence to anyone, but that I love will change the world.
6. If the truth of proposition P₁ requires the support of proposition P₂, and for any proposition in the series P_n, the truth of P_n requires the support of the truth of P_n+1 then there would never be adequate support for P₁. However, if the context is self-reflection then the regression is not infinite because it will end with either enlightenment or death.

5/3 - Ants, Apples, and also Smells

1. I believe in atmospheric cookie dough.
2. If I put pictures of certain body parts online, someone may diagnose me with a disease I don't want to know I have.
3. Sometimes after a workout, I smell like cinnamon apples. Probably from so many years of freebasing Cinnabon. No idea about the apples.
4. There are no mirrors in the forest because the ants and spiders would give themselves the bugouts.
5. Luche Libre masks give you special powers, the downside is the smell on the inside of them.
6. Gumball eyes are only a good idea in theory, in practice the reality is gruesome and ineffective.

4/30 - "Get Me Out of Here" Edition

1. At some point my body will stop metabolizing stupidity.
2. The period of time that a person can wear a bandana and a soul patch before they become irreversibly douche-y? It's called a Ohnosecond.
3. Time travel is possible through wormholes, but they are too small to fit through.
4. Blimps are going to make a comeback in a big way.
5. I am not anti gravity, but I am pro graviton.
6.  The artificial sweetener of the future will be delicious and have 1g of fiber, naturally derived sweetness, and contain mild hallucinogens in every packet.

4/28 - Cherries and Cheerleaders

1. I have stepped into one elevator and come out a different one.
2. The world would be better off with a Cherry on top.
3. I have opened my eyes, gotten ready for work, smoked a cigarette, driven to work, and arrived safely only then to wake-up and wonder how I got there.
4. No matter what you eat, where you go, or who you meet, expect a couple of nuts. So if you're allergic you should take precautions.
5. When neither the spirit nor the body is willing, a cheerleader is a necessity.
6. A secret's power isn't in the keeping it's in the telling.

4/27 - On Diet and Exercise

1. If adding exercise is the prescription then the cure is worse than the disease.
2. There will never be a butter substitute.
3. That vein in your head that pops out when you lift weights is just the avenue your brain is taking trying to escape the boredom.
4. I love the perfume you are wearing... oh, it's just a cinnamon roll? Can I get another whiff?
5. When you are watching a spy thriller set in Paris and you are more concerned with the precariously placed Croque-en-Bouche than the brilliantly choreographed fight scene, you're hungry so go have a snack.
6. Even if your diet allows you to have as much of a condiment you want, you should know that nougat is not a condiment.

4/26 - Fixing the World Edition

1. No profound solution was ever devised at 5:45 AM
2. If evil aliens ever do show up to enslave the Earth, I believe "The Doctor" will appear and snark us to safety.
3. Pancakes could solve at least 30% of the world's ills.
4. The solution to the transportation problem in this country is "Mustache Rides".
5. A 30 minute walk does more good than the harm done by what's delivered in 30 minutes or less.
6. Only by encouraging kids to be creative will the future get any better.

Not so much impossible, closer to improbable.

Sometimes changes in word usage are required or suggested to reflect changes in the culture. Here are some updates that I suggest for the near future.

1. A contract between two parties where the value of the contract is linked to the price of another financial instrument or by a specified event or condition and may be insured against its inevitable failure,  we will call that Greed.
2. When a person is incapable of accepting multiple examples of written documentation as proof that something occurred, if the same person uses words like un-American or Socialist or Muslim or Gangster to describe another person because they are afraid to use the word they really want to use, and if that person prefers to shield their social misgivings in a political party that's named after a historical event that has little resemblance to the proposed politics of the party - despite protestations and other self-designations - for ease's sake they will be called Racist.
3. A person who would rather that their child has less education on a topic than more, the most polite designation will now be Fundamentalist.
4. Anyone who is afraid of gay people or afraid to be mistaken as one, in an effort to reclaim and empower former victims of the word, will be referred to as Faggit (sic).
5. A body that offers unsecured loans at high interest rates to individuals, often backed by blackmail and threats of violence, and that have designed their credit products in such a way as to make orderly retirement of the debt difficult was formerly known as a loanshark. These financial practices have been refined and have reached the mainstream making loansharks obsolete, and from now on using the word Bank or Banks will be all that's necessary to indicate the use of such predatory lending.
6. An organization that takes money with a promise of services with no intention of making good, or may change the terms and conditions of payment without warning and in their favor, I propose we call Health Insurance. There is some contention here as there have been other strongly suggested candidates: Credit Card Companies, The Government, and Roommates.

4/22 - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast

Thanks to my brother Scott, now I am consumed with impossible thoughts about Smurfs.

1. Through a secret "extraction" process, a blue "ink" is harvested from the Smurfs that, when painted on one side of an inexpensive ceramic disk, can be used to build a fuel cell so efficient that it borders on free energy.
2. If you place a Smurf in a pyramid with a box of dull razor blades overnight, they will sharpen.
3. Only the purity of Smurfette can lure the last unicorn from hiding.
4. An acolyte wishing to ascend to Revered, must endure the Smurf Agony, by ingesting Essence of Smurf also known as Aqua Smurfa and using their considerable talents to transmute the poison safely within the body and unlock their "Other Memory".
5.  If you feed a Smurf after midnight it will become a Snork.
6. Using a Chakra-tuned Smurf, I can amplify my Merkabah field a 1000th fold which enables me to contact the fifth dimension where the spirit world is and amplify my long distance Holographic Sound healing treatments a 1000th fold.

It should be noted that the notion of using Smurfs in a potion to make gold is absolutely laughable and an Old Wizards tale with no science or basis in truth.

4/21 - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast

1. Though the details of how it was used are lost, The Glass Slipper was a torture device used to punish those women who attempted to seduce (or were accused of trying to seduce) members of the royal family.
2. Paul Bunyan and Babe live secretly on a Mediterranean island until which time they can return and openly express their love.
3. George Porgie is Patient Zero for Mononucleosis.
4. Excalibur has been held protected by a mysterious order whose current membership includes Sting. He leaves clues in his songs for the one true Arthur to find the sword (Bottom of a dark Scottish lake).
5. The Little Engine That Could never did due to a crippling bout of agoraphobia.
6. Prince Charming was originally known as Viscount Cranborne, but changed it to escape his evil previous wife Lady Blanche Gascoyne-Cecil.

4/20 - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast

We know we have the senses of taste, touch, smell, sight, and hearing. Some might argue that we have a sixth sense that includes extra-sensory perception. I believe we have many more senses than we give ourselves credit for.

1. Sense of Beauty: An aptitude for finding the sublime in everything like watching a plastic bag blow in the wind.
2. Sense of Grace: The ability to accept the gifts that are our friends, family, and the simple wonders of the world.
3. Sense of Sensibility:An acute perception and awareness of pleasure and pain, however slight.
4. Sense of Adventure : The capability to wander off the beaten path and revel in finding the way back.
5. Sense of Style: A gift allowing a person to recombine existing paradigms in new and fashionable ways.
6. Sense of Independence: The rare skill of knowing the strength of one's self no matter the situation and acting accordingly.

4/19 - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast

1. Being a Princess is not about the fairy godmother or the mean old step sisters, not about the pumpkin coach or the poison apple, it's not even about the evil queen or the Prince--though all of them are appreciated additions to the story... it's about the dress and the shoes.
2. I really and truly believe that "Zack gonna get you back".
3. Any food that is extruded into its edible form is lacks a good source of calcium and vitamin D, plus 10 other essential vitamins and minerals.
4. I will retire with a fortune based on whale vomit.
5. Toys were more fun when there was an element of real danger.
6. One day the Basque idea of nationalism will be universal. If you are a speaker of the language, you are a member of the ethnic group.

4/16 - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast

1. Violence is a disease, and it is spreading.
2. Marshmallows are a vegetable.
3. A lateral lisp makes everything funnier.
4. Vinyl will one day be a trade-able commodity on the stock exchange.
5. In basketball, a terrible shot is called a Potsie Weber. Collectors of photographs of terrible basketball shots are called a Paparpotsies.
6. Chicharrón is a state of rind.

4/15 - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast

1. There is an alternate universe where the preferred and polite way to answer the phone is "Ahoy-hoy".
2. My little corner of Heaven, when I get there, looks a little like Hell to some souls.
3. With the Snidely Whiplash mustache's inevitable return to fashion, the ability to detect and detain domestic terrorists is infinitely easier.
4. Mustache Twirling will appear as an exposition sport in the 2014 Winter Olympics. The mixed pair from the Republic of Armenia will dazzle and captivate the world with their floor routine.
5. As he gets older, Kale replaces Spinach in Popeye's diet.
6. The revolution will not be televised; it will be streamed live on the internet.

4/14 - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast

1. The era of Whitesploitation films is upon us.
2. Jazz is the ability to live between the notes.
3. Pushmi-pullyus exist but they are all female.
4. Paleovirology will prove, once and for all, that we are descended from aliens.
5. The extinction of the Tumbleweed is due to its disappearing natural habitat: The Ghost Town.
6. The English System of Measures will never be obsolete as long as the Ten Gallon Hat refuses to go Metric.

4/13 - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast

1. A gray sky is just a drawn curtain while they change for the next scene.
2. The difference between a smile and a rictus is a modicum of pain.
3. I can taste water.
4. Black is not a true color it is the visual representation of boundaries.
5. Technically we'll be able to mate with aliens, but we won't want to.
6. Everybody is watching, but nobody cares.

4/12 - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast

1. The Darkness has weight and volume.
2. With a perfect mirror we could see a reflection from the beginning of time.
3. As my blood sugar normalizes, my ability to successfully negotiate the Voight-Kampff test will decrease.
4. To facilitate the ever increasing speed of information transfer, telepathy is in inevitable.
5. Somehow the following words, brought to you by the letter "L", will figure heavily in this week: Litigious and Libidinous.
6. Only the internet can grant us the Antediluvian ability of universal communication. I hope it won't be subject to divine dismantling due to human pride.

4/10 - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast

1. Hey curvy girl! You're not fat; you're beautiful!
2. I believe I will eat all of your crackers.
3. Spigot is a dirty word.
4. Young love is both a particle and a wave.
5. It gets easier and easier not to.
6. Grandfathers are undervalued in the makeup of the extended family unit.

4/8 - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast

1. Life would be more enjoyable if ordinary things (like oil changes and paychecks) required a treasure map and had an X to mark the spot.
2. There are two kinds of people in the world - Halfs and Half-Nots. People who are half asleep through their whole lives and people who are awake for the wonder.
3. Food just tastes better when delivered by girls on rollerskates.
4. The United States of America will split into two nations in the near future: The New Union of America and The United Confederates of America.
5. The last True Daredevil (Homo Sapiens Diavolos) died in captivity in 2007 - RIP Evel. There have been sightings since then but they are of the distantly related species of Faux Daredevil (Homo Equus Asinus) which are domesticated and bred in captivity for their plumage.
6. When we no longer need the Hyoid bone to enable the greater motion of the tongue and larynx for speech, we can finally embrace the human dewlap we so richly deserve.

4/6 - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast

1. Out of the corners of my eyes, at the edge of perception, I can see the living shadows.
2. The science of longevity's ultimate goal is to allow us to eat more cheese.
3. We're not any smarter today than when the first pack of humans huddled in a cave and started a fire to stay warm in the rain... we just have greater access to information.
4. There is no way so many people were confused or mistaken about it in the olden days, There Be Dragons!
5. The key to many mysteries in life is Step Ball Change.
6. Nothing is made any better by adding tofu.

4/2 - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast

1. People with the gift of prophecy experience time in reverse.
2. Adding "The" before someone's first name makes them feel more special. "I am playing with The Jubilee." "Have you seen The Sally?" "Nobody messes with The Jesus."
3. A fully realized explanation of The Mpemba Effect may save the ice caps but will certainly revolutionize the ice cream sciences.
4. I still believe in underwater homes and complexes in my lifetime.
5. Unicorn meat tastes an awful lot like Narwhal steaks.
6. Using Magic is an ability to alter the perception of reality or understanding. Real artists are true magicians.

4/1 - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast

1. In the nutritive arts, fresh air and kindness will fill in where diet and exercise fall short.
2. A well oiled body part is more comforting than previously observed.
3. Periodical publishing will be saved by printing artwork, designs, and writing that people will want to own and display in their homes.
4. A kiss is always fraught with subtext, always.
5. Whosoever is number one on the charts, forthwith shall be number one in our hearts, in accordance with the prophecy.
6. One day researchers will find the medicinal use for bacon.

3/31 - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast

1. Exegesis is only successful with social context, historical background, an active imagination, and a healthy dose of skepticism. Belief is not required.
2. There are people in this world who are blind to challenges and only see opportunities.
3. We would think much quicker and our information transmissions would be more dense if our language was based on smell. But how boring would Victorian novels be then? About the same. *Yawn*
4. Mother Nature has racist tendencies. Albinism happens all through species of creatures but you never see any other colors represented equally.
5. Chocolate tastes best when made with a little vanilla, but Vanilla Fudge is just weird.
6. People playing "Heart and Soul" on the piano, poorly and repeatedly, might be the most insidious torture known to the hearing world.

Jubilee's First Poem

We don't know what precipitated it or how it came to be, but she decided to dramatically perform it without warning or fanfare. Here is is:

Little junebug,
Little junebug,
inside of life;
You're going to be a little mermaid
and be free forever.

On second telling it was:
Little junebug,
Little junebug,
inside of life;
You're going to be a little mermaid
and be free forever
in the kingdom.

3/30 - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast

1. We have had music for thousands of years, and music videos for decades, the next innovation in music will be heaven scented.
2. No good can come from blue food neither from anything watermelon flavored.
3. I believe a blade could be created by a master swordsmith, using the old methods,  such that it is one molecule thick at its finest and that this blade could split matter in twain.
4. A meeting between the largest flea and the smallest dog would be disastrous if not fascinating.
5. A young child's description of the world is pure creativity because they yet don't have the experience or the vocabulary to do it uncreatively.
6. One day we will discover a drug that blocks all pain, both physical and emotional, but it will makes us inhuman.

3/29 - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast

1. As long as I ask myself what the last thing on my mind is then the last thing on my mind will be "the last thing on my mind."
2. The Loch Ness Monster isn't a monster at all, he's just misunderstood.
3. Memories are a combination of chemicals and electricity in the brain that one day will be replicated exactly. Until then memories have to be shared through the telling of stories.
4. A mob is a living organism comprised of human beings, activated by pheromones, easily led by emotion, and with regards to intelligence it is far less than the sum of its parts.
5. Blue is the average of all colors divided by preference. Pink is the sum of all colors filtered by a princess.
6. The cause of an argument is easily determined by the objects thrown. Often that is simply "Proximity".

3/27 - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast

1. A return to simpleness will never bring happiness.
2. Evolution has a goal.
3. I believe in invisible, not imaginary, friends.
4. A man and his guitar is infinitely more powerful than either on their own.
5. Only when the beauty of an object can be quantified exactly and described succinctly,can it then be extracted,  transferred, or duplicated. Until then it is just an approximation of beauty.
6. Time is not only relative, it is arbitrary and sometimes vindictive.

Bestiary Edition - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast

I believe in the existence of each of these animals despite evidence to the contrary, or simple common sense.

1. The Yuck Snail (Achatina Lingua Yucca) travels not by his slimy foot but along his drooling tongue, tasting every inch of where he's been.
2. Montgolfier's Frog (Eleutherodactylus Legumen Volaticus) eats only beans so that it can inflate its throat and travel from bean field to bean field in the search for a mate. Their mating song is rather grotesque.
3. The Lazy Skeeter (Anopheles Sofi Kartfla) is a Midwestern mosquito attracted specifically to the light frequencies emitted from televisions and the scent of cheese powder used to flavor a variety of corn based snacks. May also be attracted to the moisture in tears and the sounds of masturbation.
4. Edward's Bat (Diaemus Joven Blanco) is a variety of vampire bat that perches in the farthest corners of caves, shunning all other bats, and emits a powerful pheromone. Despite showing no outwardly interest most female bats of any species and within range are helplessly attracted to it.
5. Hobson's Mackerel (Zwangslage Patronus) is a brackish water fish that filters salt water through its gills and exhales freshwater. Although it is a potentially invaluable fish for this ability it also excretes a submicron bacterial toxin in the process which makes creatures sterile. It is unknown how the fish reproduces.
6. Leftway Island (Laevus Levus Islandus) is a former archipelago microecosystem in which all the animals have evolved counter to their counterparts. All the dogs chase their tails counter-clockwise. All the monkeys are left-hand dominant. And the corkscrew penis of the pigs all twist clockwise.

3/25 - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast

1. Confidence is wasted on the invincible.
2. No superhero's secret identity would ever wear Crocs.
3. There's Spanish gold hidden in the swamp.
4. All the world's conflicts could be helped along with a burrito and an orgasm. Opposing forces need not share them, just partake.
5. I'd have better luck swatting flies if I had a cow tail.
6. It's not the science of the the movie "Somewhere in Time" that I find unbelievable because I find it sound. It is the love story that I cannot believe.

3/24 - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast

1. All poisons, when moving from the liquid to a gaseous state, appear briefly as a skull made of smoke before dissipating.
2. Happiness is a flavor only dogs can taste.
3. I believe a fairy is born when a baby laughs for the first time, but I am afraid of what is made the first time the same child hits another.
4. Although there is no solid evidence either way, I believe Toby deserved to be taken to the castle beyond the Goblin City and turned into a goblin.
5. A world powered by steam would be cleaner but disastrous for the the hair dressing industries.
6. There is a clown face that when painted makes a smile a frown and a frown a smile. But it is the tight lipped line of indifference that will make you weep with confusion.

3/23- 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast

1. Any person with which you currently have issues and with enough effort, time, attention, and TLC can be made to taste delicious when salt cured and smoked. Sorry, no vegetarian alternatives are available.
2. Delicious garlic breadsticks never made anything worse.
3. Pain is the true measure of being alive, taking risks, and learning to do things the wrong way first.
4. One day we will control our cars with our minds which will make for a funny morning rush hour for people who put on make-up or shave on the way to work.
5. A follicle is only the chance of a hair, not a promise.
6. Like baby dragons, all kittens are cute but grow up to be evil creatures. It's just their nature.

I am the Schrödinger's cat of politics.

I am indeterminate, in a state of both for and against. I am both, though likely either not neither, until the instant of observation and decoherence. When I and the observer with the deadly apparatus and the box in which I sit converge into a single reality once the waveform has collapsed. We are entangled, the observer and I, until that moment when I am - we are - observed and then I shall be of one mind.

3/22- -6 impossible things I believed before breakfast

1. There is a color that, while seemingly invisible, when experienced makes us hungry.
2. Like the Lyre Bird which can approximate any sound it hears, there is a large mammal that can approximate anything it sees, but it only sees in black and white.
3. Non-Newtonian fluids could be mixed with tattoo ink to make us bulletproof.
4. Underneath the matted and knotted fur of any creature is something unbelievably soft, you just have to work to get at it.
5. Reality isn't made just by you, it is a tapestry woven by society and if there wasn't the pulling tight of opposing fibers it would fall apart with fragility.
6. God/The Great Maker/The Prime Mover must be feminine because boobs are the greatest creation in all of creation.

3/20 - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast

1. Every round object, affixed to and slightly raised from a surface, that is generally fingertip sized is a button that activates or deactivates something... somewhere.
2. Relatedly, every switch that does not apparently turn anything on or off does something terrible and unseen when you use it.
3. A drawing is a rendering of what the eye sees; a song is a rendering of what the heart sees.
4. It only takes 90 squares to make a circle.
5. A redhead will be the architect of my demise.
6. A cloaca would be easier.

3/19 - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast - March 19

1. There are parts of the body accessible only by touch that are otherwise unseeable and unknowable.
2. Oatmeal is only properly served spread on warm buttered toast.
3. The Sweet Hereafter doesn't smell sweet but instead savory. The infernal stinks of everlasting sweet.
4. In the deepest parts of the oceans lives something smarter than us, but also hungrier.
5. Kids cling to beloved toys as talismans against the dark because it works.
6. The Professor could have gotten them off the island whenever he wanted.

3/18 - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast - March 18

1. Just after drowning, my gills would emerge too late.
2. I am a being comprised of organizations of smaller beings. Beings that uniquely exist in me, as me, making me a Supra-Organism.
3. A mirror is a TV screen from another universe that someone is watching whereas a window is a slight chance of being seen by a passer-by in this universe. This is why I'll walk naked by a window but not a mirror.
4. I push moving cars with willpower and hand movements from inside my own vehicle.
5. Sometimes my thoughts are not my own, but I have no idea whose they are.
6. When we change the perception of hurt, anger will disappear.

3/17 - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast - March 17

1. Only art evokes emotion without context.
2. Somewhere in China, there is a version of me.
3. Squirrels lay eggs.
4. In my dreams I float, not fly, and if I were to wake up at the right time and in the right way, I would still.
5. There is at least one piece of great art in everyone.
6. I can't talk with a hippo but I can talk with a gorilla who can talk with a parrot who can invite a hippo for tea.

3/16 - 6 impossible things I believed before breakfast - March 16

1. In a world full of princes, a queen would be king.
2. Through the hearts of the palms of my hands, I can collect steam heat.
3. Under a tree, in the short grass, after sunset and as the moon rises, a gentle Summer breeze blows and I experience the curvature of the Earth.
4. The next card will be the one I need.
5. As my eyelids droop and just before the darkness, starting at the horizon the sky fills with crows.
6. The greater our connection, despite proximity, the greater the chance that I know where your lost things are.

The 6(+1) Impossible Things I Believed Before Breakfast

1. Love is an invisible being that follows people around rewarding the Good and punishing the Bad, also sometimes punishing the Good.
2. I am the weaver of reality. Perhaps not my own but somewhere. My thoughts generate a Modal Reality.
3. Two things in close contact, over time, become part of each other - transferring consciousness and attributes to each other. A nerd and his computer, a messenger and his bike, a person and their pet.

4. Language organizes and creates thoughts instead of the other way around.

5. Gender is arbitrary and now irrelevant to reproduction.

6. I can slay the Jabberwock.

7. All living things emit an energy that one day we will harness to run our gadgets. I am so sick of batteries.