The Old In/Out

1. Porn is like Tums. It's not like you don't love the delicious food anymore, and you certainly aren't going to stop eating it, but you just need to relieve a little pressure.
2. How about I jam my digital into your analog input?
3. One advantage of wearing your underwear backwards is that the flaperature has an alternative use.
4. Let's put our bags together and do some fat lines of woman.
5. When I win the lottery, I'm turning my house into a Wunderkammer
6. All that separates Them from Us is thinking there is a Them.

Safe travels, buddy.

Here's my one big impossible thing to believe in today.

When we close our eyes for the last time in this world, we open them again in a magical place not too far away. For any of the good-hearted people in this world and their beloved pets, there is a way to this place. You already know how to get there... second star to the right, and straight on till morning. The tough part is finding that second star. When it's time you find it. Neverland.

It's a place where we can live free and young without worries or care. Your birthday comes around once a week and it’s Christmas every day. Renewed for an eternity in the moment of greatest joy, strongest in the heart and the limbs. We'll awake again to find the spring in our step, the jump in our haunches, the speed of our claws, the glimmer of our scales, the wind beneath our wings. Where cats and dogs and birds can live in the freedom they longed most for in life and the safety they deserve in their second.

As a Lost Boy or Girl or Pet we'll play hard and court danger, but ultimately prevail. Surrounded by the bluest water, you're never more than a day between two places. It's an island pushed up to the surface by imagination, it has a lagoon with flamingos flying over it, a place with many more suns and moons than our world. Where time winds and unwinds like a toy clock, but never runs out.

From the peak of its only mountain you can see anything, everything, and things beyond belief. Where you can swim in a hidden cove with mermaids, or fly with fairies (and the help of a happy thought), travel silently across the land with indian guides, wear your favorite Halloween costume forever. In Neverland, our domestic animal friends travel proudly alongside lions and tigers and bears, but never behind. Where the couch-backs are high and comfy for feline friends to look down regally feeling invincible... because they are. Where every bone is meaty and never gets lost when buried. Where preening is a way of life.

This is the place where treasures untold lie underneath X's, and gopher holes are never empty, you never have to clean your room or put your toys away, where the breeze blows gently and the birds fly slowly, and there are plenty of sunbeams for everyone. This is the place where troubles melt like lemondrops and every adventure only lasts an afternoon.

The best perk is you could eat powdered donuts until you burst! But even better is that you'd never.

I'd say this is impossible, but how is it any less plausible than a judgmental Sky Beard that never calls or writes anymore? Where you spend foreverdays in sanitized fluff. A kingdom ultimately only open to a few and pets are not allowed. I'll take the hollowed out tree and an occasional pirate to outsmart, where kitties like Man Ray and Sugar Ray are waiting and'll never make me sneeze.

Although and perhaps it's not so hard to find at all... Just mail in three wrappers from Peter Pan Beauty Bar with Chlorophyll and 15 cents for the map.

Ready, Set, Twirl!

1. I was born breech, ass first, into this world, and that's how I'll go out.
2. Some people think it's about the Race, others think it's the Finish, but if you revel in just showing up to the Start it makes going to work a lot easier.
3. Living in a universe designed by little girls would be ideal because all it takes to "Feel Better" is hand lotion, glitter, a kiss, and a nap.
4. Also, never overlook the transformative power of a twirl.
5. I believe there are parts of me that consist of wax and paper. So it is possible I haven't really lost weight, only volume, due to wilting in this heat.
6. The fruit is at the bottom because if it were on the top, that's all anybody would eat.

Thinking about Sugar...

1. Anything in black and white expires too quickly.
2. It doesn't matter how much you a love a thing, it will still be taken from you. What matters is that the universe knows how much that thing was loved, which give it weight and importance, and pays a little more respect with its passing.
3. Calling the Human Resources representative "Sugar Tits" is ill-advised (and ill received), especially when she's a dude.
4. In a time when so many people want to be American citizens but their only option is to be illegally here, I think it's time for people who don't want to fulfill their civic duty to get kicked out and make room.
5. People's Pain has a higher profit margin than people's Joy, assuming that Joy is not Lust.
6. Being a vampire is not a metaphor for anything. Pretending to be one is, however, the only way your average creepy guy gets chicks.

Half Past the Monkeys A$$, a Quarter to His...

1. A stopped clock is right twice a day, a clock running slow is never right. (I'm sure there's wisdom in that somewhere.)
2. Half-ass is still twice as good as the work of the no-ass man.
3. Barista is the new title of Cuban generals under Castro.
4. Evolution is not a theory, anymore, it is a fact. The Scientific Law of Evolution. Time to rewrite the science books (Texas I'm looking at you).
5. One day in the far flung future, all epithets will be techno-centric.
6. The value of currency is theoretically arbitrary until you're overdrawn on your checking account.

Because the Self-Righteous Make Me Angry... and Sad

1. Ignorance makes the heart grow harder.
2. Faith is often what's left when intelligence and self-reflection fail.
3. What you believe and what I believe should never meet. (Especially on the field of battle - I got a dragon, you got a dude with a beard. He better be Merlin.)
4. Hate is a response to hurt, but I can't for the life of me understand what hurt people in love have done to people who hate them for being of the same sex.
5. The preferred sex of the person I love is so far down the list of how I define myself that is comes after "commuter" in a list that starts like this: nerd, father, husband, brother, son, human being, man, friend, writer, music lover, funny guy, business systems analyst, 80% bacon, diabetic, commuter, white...
6. Every organized religion is as much about including those who believe as excluding those who don't.

Hands-Free Living and the Stink of Success

1. A rectal prolapse is nothing to laugh at. Actually, as long as it isn't yours it really is something to laugh at.
2. Only things not fit for human consumption should be candidates for total automation. e.g. Jack in the Box Robotic Food Prep, animating Disney straight-to-video sequels, modern country music production, as well as, state and federal government.
3. The all-terrain cleaning robot is past due.
4. Nothing should ever smell good and taste bad, coffee and popcorn I am looking at you.
5. It is more interesting to find out the nature of what is missing than the nature of what is here.
6. Politics at the speed of light is just flickering images of charismatic speakers.

Friendly Advice, Impossible Numbers & Colors, and The Abyss

1. For my friend Lori, impossible life advice: Grow your own. Raise your children to be anarchists. Sleep your way to the middle. Pay bills on the float. Gamble away the college money on lottery tickets. Drink the medium stuff. But keep your good friends close because they'll get you through the rest of that crap. And never forget the lube.
2. If it is slippery, it is fun... regardless of context.
3. One day there will be an impossible number list that will include eleventy-seven, urtyteen, thirtyleven, and kittenteenth.
4. There is a blue I see in my dreams that cannot exist in real life and it's called Impossiblue.
5. Belief is that tingly feeling when the universe stares back into you.
6. Racism comes about when small minded people strive to achieve great things.

Mostly about Love and the Things We Eat.

1. Down Salma Hayek's blouse is a magical land of elves who live in bliss.
2. Peace and Humptiness forever.
3. I'd rather be a neophage and a technophile than a neophyte and a technophage. (I'd also rather have this bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.)
4. It cannot be debated that a snozberry tastes like snozberry, but snozberry flavor is a cross between a mooseberry and a french kiss.
5. While traveling in Amsterdam where on one side of the street is a beautiful, nearly nude, woman on a swing in a picture window and on the other is a delicious bakery with pyramids of fresh brownies and pastries... you'll find me run over in the middle of the street unable to choose
6. I firmly (yes, firmly) believe that if nudity were more socially acceptable, obesity would be less of a problem in this country.

Monkey and Pirates, Cockfights and Pimps.

1. Don't  monkey with your past, it can be changed.
2. The only thing worse than shingles, is the fever for the flavor of a Pringles.
3. Under the eyepatch of a pirate lies mystery, under the eyepatch of the modern man is something weepy.
4. Men will always look to war as a solution to national questions, and in those cases leave the common man out of it. I propose World Leader Cockfights! Strip them to the waist, bind their arms, fit them with gaffs and let them settle it in their own blood. This could lead to electing beefy and athletic leaders, but it's be totally worth it.
5. The anthemic song about my hip-hop exploits will inevitable be titled "Microscopic Pimpin".
6. On the planet where language is chemical and manifests as smells, "Hello" will smell like a fart but ironically the word for "excrement" will smell like carrot cake.

Shadowless Silence, God's Ire, and Tuna Fish.

1. Beware the man who casts no shadow.
2. The opposite of Love isn't Hate, it's Silence.
3. In the table of lesser known measurement conversions, there are 16 "accidents" in an "on purpose".
4. God's most terrible torture is The Quivering Eye.
5. When you change your mind about stupid things you make alternate future histories stupider.
6. Tuna, delicious though it may be, does not actually come from the fish of the same name. It is an extruded protein comprised of remnants like a slab of fishy particle board.

Whites and Darks, Bigs and Smalls, Lefts and Rights.

1. Adding izzle never made you appear any cooler. Maybe whiter.
2. Nothing can be very unique.
3. We've spent too much time making them bigger, now let's make them smaller.
4. When you sort and compartmentalize your life, you lose out on the spectrum of experience. Although you really should keep your white socks and dark socks separate.
5. The two party system is no long viable in the success of the United States, it will only drive us further toward failure as a country.
6. Motivation is a problem that has no solution.

Alone Together with Another

1. Monogamy is just Celibacy with an occasional dinner salad.
2. As Mashups become more ubiquitous, smart song writers will insert stuff in the songs that naturally mix with songs they want to mix with. Like this with that.
3. When attending a wedding, you should always have a back-up date... especially the Bride and Groom. (No reason to ruin a part due to a no-show.)
4. CFL or LED? OLED!
5. Where we are bears little resemblance to where they thought we'd be, and where we think we're going will bear little resemblance to where we go. So plan for today, and let tomorrow happen.
6. I know when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em, but not when to walk away. And I don't run.

A Stroke, The Clap, Being Fat... Plus Cupcakes.

1. I am totally up for the down stroke. (everybody get up!)
2. Spanging is a horribly liberating profession.
3. Applause is a form of kinetic energy that is transferred to a performer.
4. Husky was never a less painful way to say "Fat".
5. A cupcake is not a tiny cake; it has its own rules, physics, and personality.
6. On some Mondays I can't pass the Turing Test.

Brought to You by the Letter "F"

1. A carbohydrate is not love, it only smells and tastes like it.
2. In a funny bit of foreshadowing, all of Jubilee's made up words (mostly names and pre-schooler expletives) are all brought to you by the letter "F".
3. Living pain-free is not an option.
4. If you're going to put your hands in my pockets, grab hold of more than just the cash.
5. Kids don't have the most refined palates but they would make the most creative ice cream flavors.
6. As technology connects us all and streams information into our heads, face-to-face human interaction will become more precious.

Brain, Brown, Burlesque, and Burps

1. I dedicate too much RAM on Is-Its or Isn't Its. (Primary candidates: A Weave, A Thong, A Spoiler.)
2. In the next life, brown and round.
3. There is no such thing as a secret love. If it is secret, the best you can hope for is lust but it is probably just an obsession.
4. Measurements taken of the tongue are great indicators of the Excitement and Plateau Phase of the human sexual response cycle, but the instrument to measure is unwieldy, painful, and generates an odor that interrupts the cycle.
5. Modern entertainment would benefit greatly with a massive influx of burlesque and va-va-voom.
6. The problem with fizzy lifting drinks was not that you'd continue to float up forever (until you "release" the gas). The problem was that they were made with high fructose corn syrup and even then, Wonka knew it was bad for kids.

Beauty Isn't Skin Deep, Shhhhhh. Now Help Me With This... Really.

1. A cannibal society's unique concept of beauty yields wonderfully odd compliments, "Your facemeat appears delicious."
2. A whisper isn't a secret but a promise of one.
3. It is Birthday Season. (When isn't it?)
4. I hope taking The High Road isn't hard on The Shins.
5. My proclivity for apodyopsis ends with buttons.
6. Reality is becoming more unrealistic everyday.

Gettin' Inside Your Headmeat and Your Hindmeat

1. Growing up, my best friend was attractive, smart, and preternaturally charming - the hero - that only left me to be the sidekick or the villain in his story. Be the Hero of your own story.
2. It is not always art.
3. With consciousness comes contretemps.
4. Groove is NOT in the heart; it is located in the lumbar/gluteus area.
5. Every child, every year they are in school, should be tasked with a project to think of a creative way to make the world better.
6. You can't be happy with clenched fists.

Highways, Healthwise, and Falling Pants

1. A single shoe on the highway is always an indication of a recent tragedy.
2. No one should smoke, but everybody should occasionally smoulder.
3. The era of thongs and low-rise jeans signal the unfortunate end to the time honored tradition of pantsing. (Because, I mean, what's the point?)
4. "Clickjacking" sounds like fun.
5. I'm afraid of what it smells like under my ring.
6. If it seems unhealthy, it is. If it seems healthy, it probably isn't.

Punched in the Eyes, Women's Rights, and the Illusion of Privacy

1. Bruce  Lee was a Black Man.
2. The only thing worse than being punch-drunk is the punch-hangover.
3. I have looked into the eye of the island and what I saw was unsatisfying from a mythological perspective.
4. I have stared into the ocular orbits in the Skull of Doom and gained all of its mystical powers.
5. When women undermine each other, the terrorists win.
6. Privacy is part of the implied agreement of the online social contract, but like the security of a locked door - it is only an illusion we perpetuate until violated.