My thought bubbles for one day.

• I hate when you're at the stand-up and then you realize it's a sit down affair.
• If your husband thinks you have a great personality, I really don't want to meet him.
• In a world where language is communicated by smells, Taco Tuesday always ends in a fight.
• If internet spam is any indication, can there really be such a penis problem in the United States?
• I would really like to be more eco-friendly but I'm not paying $90 for a light bulb unless it is a Full-Release Light Bulb.
• I don't care if you hang it overhand or underhand but when you squish the TP roll so it doesn't turn? Next time you'll get the brownfinger.
• I really need a soundtrack and a laff-track for my life.

Harry Potter in Summary.

Harry Potter is a young boy kept under the stairs of his uncle's home like a Vietnamese sex slave who escapes into a world of magic where he is special and the scar on his head is a trophy and not a mark of abuse. Where he rides a broom and there are giants flying on motorcycles, magic wand fights, and things called horcruxes... come to think of it the general plot of Harry Potter sounds like watching that episode of Diff'rent Strokes with Dudley and the Bike Shop while on an ether binge.

Random thought 0930

She stank like memories, like hand-rolled cigarettes and the fancy booze that comes in plastic jugs with E-Z pour spouts.

Good Morning Starshine

Jubilee looked out the window this morning at the sun just starting to rise and proclaimed loudly, for all to hear, "Today is a Purple Day! I love Purple Days!

Not Really Impossible as Much as Random.

1. The most polite way to say it is that my sandwich is "undertasty"
2. Things are never as they seem, they're rarely as they should be, but if you reach down deep they are almost always the way they feel.
3. The smell of fear changes by context, today it the acrid odor of flopsweat and recycled peanuts.
4. I'm a hard headed man who is brutally handsome looking for a lady who is terminally pretty.
5. On Pantsless Saturdays, is it socially acceptable to wear suspenders on your underwear?
6. If you have seen proof of the existence of Evil, are you obligated to believe in the existence of its opposite?

The Old In/Out

1. Porn is like Tums. It's not like you don't love the delicious food anymore, and you certainly aren't going to stop eating it, but you just need to relieve a little pressure.
2. How about I jam my digital into your analog input?
3. One advantage of wearing your underwear backwards is that the flaperature has an alternative use.
4. Let's put our bags together and do some fat lines of woman.
5. When I win the lottery, I'm turning my house into a Wunderkammer
6. All that separates Them from Us is thinking there is a Them.

Sleepyhead, 5 toes, and a fever

The Butterfly Effect. It's a terrible movie and a worse sequel but a fascinating concept. Here's the story of how a sleepyhead, 5 toes, and a fever can change they way you view the world and your importance in it.

Last week was a rough one for my wife, Sally. She had to put down a beloved cat, Sugar Ray. she invited some friends and their kids over for pizza, partially in an effort to soothe the soul and just entertain. A household filled with women and young girls is becoming a more common occurrence than ever before. So we filled bellies full of pizza and the little girls played and screamed and ran around. The ladies talked and laughed and commiserated on loss. I must say that the loss of any beloved member of the family, human or animal, brings me back to my Dad. But more on that later...

For my part in the evening, I brought home the pizzas and tried to stay out of the way. It would be rude to hole up someplace and watch TV, but I have plenty of viewing interests that might also interest the kids. I put on one of Miyazaki's animated masterpieces called My Neighbor Totoro and the kids played on. One little girl wasn't feeling well. She had a fever and we'd given her some Tylenol around dinner time. So with that, she was the first to sit and watch. As the night wore on, my daughter Jubilee started to check-in with me as she got more and more tired. She'd come sit for a minute or two before barreling off into the wilds with the other girls. The shyest and youngest of them all, the one least likely to let go of her Mom for more than a minute, found her way next to me on the couch.

Next to me, is not entirely correct. The sleepyheaded little one melted into my arms on one side as Jubilee melted into the other. Now the four of us, we watched the movie together. Soon the eldest daughter and her friend found themselves engaged by the movie and parked themselves on the couch to watch. With the last burst of nervous energy, a tickle fight erupted between the 5 girls in myself resulting in screams at dangerous decibel levels, and hiccups caused from laughter.

As we sat on the couch in front of the TV gasping for breath, the two littlest ones sank back into their flanking positions. Surprisingly the eldest daughter, the rule follower and caretaker of her sisters when they're not at home, she snuck her foot under my hand. I thought nothing of it, we were all mashed together on the couch, but whenever I would readjust my sitting position her toes would wiggle themselves under my hand.

As the fever abated a bit, the middlest girl scooted in wanting to sit closer and get tickled more and be a part of this nest of people in the corner of the super-sectional. And for a brief moment there was a dog-pile of kids, one mine and 4 not, all sitting very close and watching Japanese animation. And for just a second everyone in this corner of the world was content.

At the time I thought not much of it, but those butterfly wings flapped that night. It occurred to me that these little girls, for whatever reasons they had and I doubt they understood it themselves, these girls needed me. I didn't do anything, I thought. I did nothing heroic or premeditated. I had opened my home and was simply available. When they needed a warm place to sit or a warm body close to sit by, I was a body.

And that is what started me thinking. Thinking about a lot of things. Thinking about how maybe sometimes love isn't an activity or something you have to work so hard at. Sometimes love is just about being there. Sometimes affection isn't a hug or a kiss or a present, it is sharing the warmth of your arms or the couch-cushion. Sometime feeling safe is every bit as important as a full belly or a warm bed.

It made me think that all these immeasurable qualities and skills are often the understated and undervalued domain of Daddy. A man who offers his strength without imposing it. A man who offers unconditional love, not because you're his kid but because you're a kid in his house. A man who offers safety without locking you in and them out. These are not the qualifications a Father, maybe not even a Dad, but to a little kid this man is Daddy.

And it wasn't possible to recognize it until I became a Daddy - or at least I think I am. But it also makes the little boy in me miss his own.

That night as they left for there own homes, I got hugs and squeezes from them. Not the kind you tell your kids to give uncles and aunties at Thanksgiving. The kind of hugs that last a little too long for polite company. The kind of hugs that let you know that you are appreciated. The kind of hugs that wake you up in the middle of the night in the middle of the week wondering... How come everybody doesn't want to feel that way?

Safe travels, buddy.

Here's my one big impossible thing to believe in today.

When we close our eyes for the last time in this world, we open them again in a magical place not too far away. For any of the good-hearted people in this world and their beloved pets, there is a way to this place. You already know how to get there... second star to the right, and straight on till morning. The tough part is finding that second star. When it's time you find it. Neverland.

It's a place where we can live free and young without worries or care. Your birthday comes around once a week and it’s Christmas every day. Renewed for an eternity in the moment of greatest joy, strongest in the heart and the limbs. We'll awake again to find the spring in our step, the jump in our haunches, the speed of our claws, the glimmer of our scales, the wind beneath our wings. Where cats and dogs and birds can live in the freedom they longed most for in life and the safety they deserve in their second.

As a Lost Boy or Girl or Pet we'll play hard and court danger, but ultimately prevail. Surrounded by the bluest water, you're never more than a day between two places. It's an island pushed up to the surface by imagination, it has a lagoon with flamingos flying over it, a place with many more suns and moons than our world. Where time winds and unwinds like a toy clock, but never runs out.

From the peak of its only mountain you can see anything, everything, and things beyond belief. Where you can swim in a hidden cove with mermaids, or fly with fairies (and the help of a happy thought), travel silently across the land with indian guides, wear your favorite Halloween costume forever. In Neverland, our domestic animal friends travel proudly alongside lions and tigers and bears, but never behind. Where the couch-backs are high and comfy for feline friends to look down regally feeling invincible... because they are. Where every bone is meaty and never gets lost when buried. Where preening is a way of life.

This is the place where treasures untold lie underneath X's, and gopher holes are never empty, you never have to clean your room or put your toys away, where the breeze blows gently and the birds fly slowly, and there are plenty of sunbeams for everyone. This is the place where troubles melt like lemondrops and every adventure only lasts an afternoon.

The best perk is you could eat powdered donuts until you burst! But even better is that you'd never.

I'd say this is impossible, but how is it any less plausible than a judgmental Sky Beard that never calls or writes anymore? Where you spend foreverdays in sanitized fluff. A kingdom ultimately only open to a few and pets are not allowed. I'll take the hollowed out tree and an occasional pirate to outsmart, where kitties like Man Ray and Sugar Ray are waiting and'll never make me sneeze.

Although and perhaps it's not so hard to find at all... Just mail in three wrappers from Peter Pan Beauty Bar with Chlorophyll and 15 cents for the map.

Ready, Set, Twirl!

1. I was born breech, ass first, into this world, and that's how I'll go out.
2. Some people think it's about the Race, others think it's the Finish, but if you revel in just showing up to the Start it makes going to work a lot easier.
3. Living in a universe designed by little girls would be ideal because all it takes to "Feel Better" is hand lotion, glitter, a kiss, and a nap.
4. Also, never overlook the transformative power of a twirl.
5. I believe there are parts of me that consist of wax and paper. So it is possible I haven't really lost weight, only volume, due to wilting in this heat.
6. The fruit is at the bottom because if it were on the top, that's all anybody would eat.

Thinking about Sugar...

1. Anything in black and white expires too quickly.
2. It doesn't matter how much you a love a thing, it will still be taken from you. What matters is that the universe knows how much that thing was loved, which give it weight and importance, and pays a little more respect with its passing.
3. Calling the Human Resources representative "Sugar Tits" is ill-advised (and ill received), especially when she's a dude.
4. In a time when so many people want to be American citizens but their only option is to be illegally here, I think it's time for people who don't want to fulfill their civic duty to get kicked out and make room.
5. People's Pain has a higher profit margin than people's Joy, assuming that Joy is not Lust.
6. Being a vampire is not a metaphor for anything. Pretending to be one is, however, the only way your average creepy guy gets chicks.

Half Past the Monkeys A$$, a Quarter to His...

1. A stopped clock is right twice a day, a clock running slow is never right. (I'm sure there's wisdom in that somewhere.)
2. Half-ass is still twice as good as the work of the no-ass man.
3. Barista is the new title of Cuban generals under Castro.
4. Evolution is not a theory, anymore, it is a fact. The Scientific Law of Evolution. Time to rewrite the science books (Texas I'm looking at you).
5. One day in the far flung future, all epithets will be techno-centric.
6. The value of currency is theoretically arbitrary until you're overdrawn on your checking account.

Because the Self-Righteous Make Me Angry... and Sad

1. Ignorance makes the heart grow harder.
2. Faith is often what's left when intelligence and self-reflection fail.
3. What you believe and what I believe should never meet. (Especially on the field of battle - I got a dragon, you got a dude with a beard. He better be Merlin.)
4. Hate is a response to hurt, but I can't for the life of me understand what hurt people in love have done to people who hate them for being of the same sex.
5. The preferred sex of the person I love is so far down the list of how I define myself that is comes after "commuter" in a list that starts like this: nerd, father, husband, brother, son, human being, man, friend, writer, music lover, funny guy, business systems analyst, 80% bacon, diabetic, commuter, white...
6. Every organized religion is as much about including those who believe as excluding those who don't.

Hillbilly Genres

One genre of hillbilly has become more widely known: thrillbilly. You know the fellas that put themselves in harms way for an adrenaline rush and an utter lack of respect for the remaining teeth in their mouths. Well, there are several other genres of hillbilly that are just important in the landscape of American experience. You should know them and like a hobbyist ornithologist, seek them out for their awe-inspiring plumage:


Pillbillies have a taste for self-medication and a stolen 'scrip for OxyContin (Hillbilly Heroin).
Drillbillies find themselves knee-deep in unread safety precautions on an oil rig.
Spillbillies find themselves on catastrophically busted oil rigs.
Chillbillies train all winter by ice fishing in their skivvies before shipping off to the Arctic.
Grillbillies make border runs for fireworks and reservation smokes and light them both off the Weber.
Frillbillies dress like gay pirates and are generally difficult to find because, like the albino alligator, they are often culled from the herd by their own.
Perhaps the rarest of them all exact revenge wearing a skin-tight yellow and black jumpsuit after being left for dead at their own wedding known best as ... wait for it... KillBillies.


Blam. I just molested y'alls funnybone.

Hands-Free Living and the Stink of Success

1. A rectal prolapse is nothing to laugh at. Actually, as long as it isn't yours it really is something to laugh at.
2. Only things not fit for human consumption should be candidates for total automation. e.g. Jack in the Box Robotic Food Prep, animating Disney straight-to-video sequels, modern country music production, as well as, state and federal government.
3. The all-terrain cleaning robot is past due.
4. Nothing should ever smell good and taste bad, coffee and popcorn I am looking at you.
5. It is more interesting to find out the nature of what is missing than the nature of what is here.
6. Politics at the speed of light is just flickering images of charismatic speakers.

Jubilee Story 2: A Beautiful Cat Named Murray

While at the bookstore Jubilee found a stuffed hamster that she wanted. I told her she had to earn it by writing 5 stories. Here is story number two.

A Beautiful Cat Named Murray

Once upon a time there was a beautiful cat named Murray. Sh played with 5 cats: Tack, Mo-an, Princess Meh, Neh, and Kuh. them played all together. They Played Hide-in-Closet. They played Hide a lot in the storybook. Neh was the best at the game. She was the best at the game because I love her.

Next was laying eggs. Neh layed one egg. The egg was purple. the egg was at my house, in the glass bowl. It hatched,it exploded, and turned into a bird. The bird was pink and purple. The bird flyed. It flyed all the way into your toe. And it flyed and flyed and changed colors like a chameleon.

It fell in love. It fell in love with Meke the Princess. they got a ring. them got glasses. then them got a dress. Them found a royal ring. It glowed up and made a Mermaid Kingdom. The End.

Jubilee Story 1: A Hamster Princess Castle

While at the bookstore Jubilee found a stuffed hamster that she wanted. I told her she had to earn it by writing 5 stories. Here is story number one.

A Hamster Princess Castle.

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful hamster princess named Mariana. She lived in a beautiful castle named Cololomiun. And a prince named Cullen. When the prince shows up, she dances with him. they fall in love and they fall in love again. Them fall in love. And them marry and dance around. The End.

Friendly Advice, Impossible Numbers & Colors, and The Abyss

1. For my friend Lori, impossible life advice: Grow your own. Raise your children to be anarchists. Sleep your way to the middle. Pay bills on the float. Gamble away the college money on lottery tickets. Drink the medium stuff. But keep your good friends close because they'll get you through the rest of that crap. And never forget the lube.
2. If it is slippery, it is fun... regardless of context.
3. One day there will be an impossible number list that will include eleventy-seven, urtyteen, thirtyleven, and kittenteenth.
4. There is a blue I see in my dreams that cannot exist in real life and it's called Impossiblue.
5. Belief is that tingly feeling when the universe stares back into you.
6. Racism comes about when small minded people strive to achieve great things.

To The Beat of a Different Drum

Dawn of the Dead, Zombieland, Fido, Resident Evil, 28 Days late, Shaun of the Dead... There are hundreds perhaps thousands of zombie movies. Most of them have the scene with the plucky survivors trapped amongst the zombie horde just trying to last one more day.

World War Z, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, How to Survive A Zombie Apocalypse... There are thousands more zombie books and many about how to survive the zombies. The fear is so great of the zombies that there are several successful book series about how to survive the inevitable zombie onslaught.

This morning my daughter crawls into bed and pretends to take bites out of my head. reminiscent of Danny's finger-voice (Tony) when he says "Redrum" in the Shining, she says to me in that evil voice, "Now I have allll the braaains."

I couldn't be prouder that she's training to lead the zombie horde instead of living as a victim.

Mostly about Love and the Things We Eat.

1. Down Salma Hayek's blouse is a magical land of elves who live in bliss.
2. Peace and Humptiness forever.
3. I'd rather be a neophage and a technophile than a neophyte and a technophage. (I'd also rather have this bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.)
4. It cannot be debated that a snozberry tastes like snozberry, but snozberry flavor is a cross between a mooseberry and a french kiss.
5. While traveling in Amsterdam where on one side of the street is a beautiful, nearly nude, woman on a swing in a picture window and on the other is a delicious bakery with pyramids of fresh brownies and pastries... you'll find me run over in the middle of the street unable to choose
6. I firmly (yes, firmly) believe that if nudity were more socially acceptable, obesity would be less of a problem in this country.

Monkey and Pirates, Cockfights and Pimps.

1. Don't  monkey with your past, it can be changed.
2. The only thing worse than shingles, is the fever for the flavor of a Pringles.
3. Under the eyepatch of a pirate lies mystery, under the eyepatch of the modern man is something weepy.
4. Men will always look to war as a solution to national questions, and in those cases leave the common man out of it. I propose World Leader Cockfights! Strip them to the waist, bind their arms, fit them with gaffs and let them settle it in their own blood. This could lead to electing beefy and athletic leaders, but it's be totally worth it.
5. The anthemic song about my hip-hop exploits will inevitable be titled "Microscopic Pimpin".
6. On the planet where language is chemical and manifests as smells, "Hello" will smell like a fart but ironically the word for "excrement" will smell like carrot cake.