Working with Tools. Part 1

After returning from Germany, one of my work colleagues (K) who went on the trip stopped by my desk to see how my return flight was. Small talk, small talk, small talk...

I mentioned that I brought home some delicious and hardy German bread from a cool bakery I found on Hauptstraße. I explained it was called "Candy Mix" and she got all flustered like it was actually filled with candy. I told her that it was a truly multigrain bread unlike the brown white bread we get in the US. I told her it was covered and filled with nuts and seeds. We proceeded to have this conversation.

K: Did you claim it on your customs form?
M: Why?
K: Seeds.
M: Seeds? No. That part of the form is about plants and plantable seeds. Like Agriculture.
K:It doesn't matter. It doesn't specify what kind of seeds.
M: Would you really would have claimed a loaf of multigrain bread because of the seeds.
K:Yes, I would.
M:Really.
K:Yes, it says seeds.
M:Would you claim a poppyseed muffin?
K:Yes.
M:Really?
K:Yes.
M:A poppyseed muffin? Come on.
K:Well, did I eat it at the airport?
M:If you did you wouldn't have to claim it.
K:Then yes, still.
M: Have you ever heard anybody talk about the Spirit of the Law over the Letter of the Law?
K:Sure, I know the letter of the law.
M:That's for sure.

And you might extrapolate that working and traveling with her is a freaking treat. I'm not saying that I enjoy "rule breakers" but I certainly do not enjoy strict adherents to the rules. No fun. No fun at all.

The Lone Ranger's Creed

The Lone Ranger's Creed

"I believe that to have a friend,

a man must be one. 

That all men are created equal

and that everyone has within himself

the power to make this a better world. 

That God put the firewood there

but that every man

must gather and light it himself.

In being prepared

physically, mentally, and morally

to fight when necessary

for that which is right. 

That a man should make the most

of what equipment he has.

That 'This government,

of the people, by the people

and for the people'

shall live always.

That men should live by

the rule of what is best

for the greatest number. 

That sooner or later...

somewhere...somehow...

we must settle with the world

and make payment for what we have taken.

That all things change but truth,

and that truth alone, lives on forever.

In my Creator, my country, my fellow man."

My next band...

My next band will be a hardcore emo shoegazer project in which every song will evoke the emotional equivalent of a lemon-juice-eye-scrape. We will be named The Duckling Slaughterhouse 5. Our first LP will be entitled Unexpurgated. You will not be cool enough to attend our first show but you may be cool enough to lie and say you were there... and we sucked.

Track 1: Runny Nose and Bad Intent
Track 2: Auto-Neurotic Asphyxiation
Track 3: Unironic Love Song in D Minor
Track 4: Laughtrack for My Loneliness
Track 5: Brunchfuck
Track 6: Arterial Insufficiency
Track 7: Swallow (Or the Terrorists Win)
Track 8: Whiskeyboarding
Track 9: The Unbearable Lightness of Joy
Track 10: It's Only Hard Until it Isn't
Track 11: I Sparkle, I Bite
Track 12: Spankthrift

Bonus Track: Twerkfare
And a 6 minute darkwave cover of:

A Return to Belief, 6 Things.

It has been a while. I hope this will be more regular than it has been. Remember to hit the embedded links for more fun.

1. Bat bites give people super powers.
2. Everything that is wider than it is tall is meant to be enjoyed while laying on your side.
3. Punchification isn't just fun, it is a way of life... for your face.
4. Anything worth doing is worth doing mono-chromatically.
5. I personally know people that are unlikely to pass the Turing Test.
6. The world's economic troubles and swirling bouts of depression could be solved with Live Animal Butlers.

Dream lyric: About you

I got a hole in my liver in the shape of you.

Thanksgiving Tradition

Ryan's Traditional Cranberry Sauce Recipe

Step 1. Open can.
Step 2. Slide out the purple gelatinous cylinder.

Step 3. Slice along can indentations.
Step 4. Serve on festive McDonalds plate

Step 5. Place in corner and pretend nobody is going to eat it.
Step 6. Marvel at how many people are subconsciously drawn to its jiggly tartness.

Evolution of a Post

So this is how my brain works. I'll let you decide the level of insanity.

This morning I woke up with Wild Horses playing from inside the dream. It simultaneously existed as the original The Rolling Stones version and The Sundays and Labelle versions.

And I thought to myself what else is on that album? Bitch. or Sway. Mmmmm Brown Sugar. The Album? Sticky Fingers.

How a propos that I awoke half aroused, hand in the flannelpajama pants, and playing in the slowly fading fog songs from Sticky Fingers.

Wait a minute. I always thought it was about thievery, especially with You Gotta Move on the album. Perhaps it was instead about... adifferent kind of sticky fingers. He he he.

Now the "dirty" album cover makes more sense. Oh. Oh! Ok. Duh.

Still, Sticky Fingers is a pretty good album. It's no Exileon Main Street. Come to think of it Tumbling Dice...  is a later (not as good) version of Good Time Women which was recorded for uh. Sticky Fingers.

And so I must decide here in the morning, alone. What more to think about Sticky Fingers? Do I go to the cold shower and wash away the last of the dream? Do I work on my own version of Sticky Fingers? A two handed solo on Can't You Hear Me Knocking?

Instead I log into Facebook and post:

"Sticky Fingers was awesome by the Spanish Cover was weird."

Along with this link to Brown Sugar of Mick Jagger in a laaaaaaaaame hat.

What Are They Doing In There?

When I was a younger man I was bewildered and mystified by the women's bathroom. What goes on in there? Why do they go in groups? What takes so long? There were rumors of couches and vending machines and pillow fights and who knows what else.

As an older man I have been in the women's bathroom for one reason or another and there is little mystical about it. True there are slightly more amenities in some of the nicer establishments, but nothing that exactly explains the lavatory pack behavior.

I have a new curiosity. The Lactation Room. Before today I just assumed it was where working mothers went to express milk. But today I have seen a working woman dressed to the nines and carrying no bags enter the room and not come directly out.

What is going on in there? Suddenly I imagine that there is a fake wall in that room behind which some Eyes Wide Shut scenario is going on. The pharmaceutical business men and women form around the world are getting their kicks in exchange for large drug sales.

I am tempted to look inside but in case it is what it says it is... my boobgaze may be unwelcome.

Ineffective Foodie Sexual Euphemisms, and Pick-up Lines

1. I'm going to slap my bacon under your tomato and on top of your lettuce.
2. Let me separate your egg whites.
3. Pour your hot mixture of soybean oil, artificial flavoring, beta carotene for color, and preservatives laced with Diacetyl  all over my popcorn, baby.
4. Let me show you on the doll where I want you to touch me.
5. Do you have any aspirin? I don't think Tylenol is doing anything for this throbbing.
6. Do these Khakis make my balls look big?

Bad Ideas for CosPlay

Role playing, costume play, usually follow the convention of two roles that generally work together like Chocolate and Peanut Butter or Teacher and Schoolgirl. But they are often cliched, overused, tired, and boring. I tried to think of some good ones but instead came up with terrible ones. Enjoy.

1. Dentist and the Diva.
2. Duchess and the Time Traveling Pimp
3. Elbows and Assholes
4. Captain Hook and the Babysitter
5. Beer Belly and the Body Stocking
6. Polyphemus and Galatea

Good and Evil, Mostly Evil, and Lots of Nudity.

1. I want to live a life such that when I die they bronze my guardian angel's wings and retire his halo.

2. To be Kosher, the meat must come from something that chews cud AND has a cloven hoof. Soooooooo, an evil vegetarian is Kosher? Sweeeeeeeet.

2a. What's the difference between an Evil Vegetarian and a Vegetarian Evil? One is a scrawny cloven hoofed malcontent; the other is a scourge of meatlessness.

3. When the inevitable nude photos of me are leaked, you all will be clamoring for legal restitution and not me.

4. I miss the size of Twinkies.

5. I would very much like to win the lottery, quit work, and make art. Necessarily all of them, but not necessarily in that order.

6. The C student is just a D student with a nice rack.

Clean up on aisles 6 and 9.

Whilst taking the kid for a cheap fast lunch at the local supermarket (you know the scary one with the terrible lighting but is super convenient, on the right side of the street, and is cheap?), I witnessed perhaps the coolest thing to happen in Woodstock. Maybe there is a secret underground, underbelly, undercurrent that I am simply unaware of, but I think this was special.

An absolutely knock-down, drag-out, stone-cold, gorgeous woman dressed to kill in a retro little black dress, real stockings with the line up the back, teetering on the highest of heels, with a big red flower in her hair is strutting through the store. With her is a tall, broad, shaved bald, obviously tattooed, and mildly imposing gentlemen. I can't figure out whether he is her boyfriend, client, or "handler."

The two of them make their way with a cart toward the back of the store where the bakery is. Jubilee and I make our way through the market in no particular hurry or any discernable pattern, often hitting the same aisle 3 times. I see them talking to various store employees until I notice that the cart begins to fill with, what appears to be day old cakes and cream pies. Once that is full (!) they get another cart and fill it with store brand milk and package flats of instant pudding - all flavors.

Jubilee, as charming to one as to all, is wowed by the cart full of deserts and the pretty lady gives her a smile. Jubilee runs off to rant about how we need supplied for some imaginary surprise party. By the time we get to the checkout line, the strange couple is behind us. They have added lawn sized garbage bags to their two carts of cakes, pies, and pudding fixins. 

It occurs to me that I have seen something about this before. These two aren't heading for any ordinary party; they are heading to a WAM (Wet and Messy) or  Splosh party.

And maybe it's not a party at all, but an event or a photo shoot or a private engagement. Whatever the destination, this pretty lady is gonna sit on stuff, get covered by things, and men will cheer and gnash their teeth. Oh my! Right here in Woodstock. I need to shop for dinner more often.

Your Favorite Band Sucks and So Does Everything Else

1. If the best example of your genre sucks then your genre sucks.
2. Absinthe makes the heart grow ♫flarnderrrrrrrr®®®®§‰¢♫
3. Apparently mouth ulcers and external haemorrhoids can be treated with, wait for it... teabagging.
4. Art is not a crime... yet.
5. All things considered, I'll have a Fizzy Lifting Drink with a twist of lime.
6. What would a Möbius Strip Club be like? I suspect you get a lot for your dollar.

Bones and Skin, Transformations and Titles

1. I got grindmarks on my hipbones and gnawmarks on my neckbones.
2. In this version of the End of Days, we are no longer bedeviled and bewitched but bevamped and bezombied.
3. My skin feels alive and I'm not high. When the endorphins wear off, I suspect, I will find myself on the highway to ibuprofin.
4. As I get older, my enjoyment of onion increases. I fear I am becoming my grandmother.
5. How come the Cat in the Hat won't come get the Mouse in my House? Pussy.
6. If I could choose a job and its title for myself, I propose Billionaire Cunt, MD.

Hearts, Heads, Hands, and Hooch

1. How many pioneers died on the trail to the promise of your heart?
2. I had a dream that I wore a medieval style male chastity belt to my 40th birthday party and there were a series of endurance events, mental trials, and object auctions to get the actual key to open it.
3. I need the Like button for everything in this online life. Let's start by installing one on the top of your head.
4. If we start calling all our problems "The Troubs" then they sound more like a nice sitcom family than soul crushing issues of life and death.
5. Looking at you makes me salivate (Is it the kind right before you throw up?)
6. I've got a can of sterno in my pants and it's burning for you.

Not Every Day is a Gem

1. I inadvertently changed the dial on my electric razor from Sensitive to Sexy.
2. If I could star in my own cop show I'd call it Manhammer.
3. I'm not sure why Roger gets the credit, but you're all getting a good Rogering for your birthdays.
4. The fastest way to a man's heart is a railroad spike.
5. Wearing a costume doesn't make you mysterious, it makes you awesome.
6. You can leave your shoes on, but the hat has to go.

Touching Time Technology and Tokyo

1. There's only so many times you can say you're brushing crumbs off your lap before they call HR.
2. Maybe the Last Man on Earth, the one fighting so hard against the zombies, is the last man they're waiting for in Heaven.
3. A vivid memory is the best way to time travel, until we figure out how to reverse engineer the TARDIS.
4. Feeling down? I have a pretty glorious imagination so look in the mirror with my brain.
5. In this ever-changing, ever-evolving time in which we live with instant messages, emails, and videos-on-demand you can consider my interest in whatever you are babbling about as virtual.
6. A "monster" is just a nuclear spawned friend that you don't understand why they are stepping on all the buildings and the people and the cars and igniting the city with its heat vision.

D-Grab D-Bag

1. Bad Conversation Starter: When standing next to a guy at a urinal, peek over the divider and say "Hey, we match!"
2. Get busy procastinatin'!
3. You call it a puppet show, I call it a felty fisting.
4. To address George Berkeley, there is no sound when you're not here.
5. It is 2011, where is my freaking shoe phone?
6. The opposite of voyeurism is not exhibitionism, but what is it?

Stop the Whine, Eat Your Cheese.

1. Unless you're Forrest Gump, you are either running toward something or away from something.
2. If you cut yourself off from the bad stuff, you keep yourself away from the good stuff too. You better just learn to cope.
3. Does whining about it work? Really?
4. If we ever expect anything to be perfect, we need to redefine perfect.
5. There are great benefits for testing your mettle, but repeated testing only serves to check if you're there.
6. The true measure of a person is the depth of their ability to eat cheese. (Je suis un Margrave du Fromage.)

A Brief Return to Form.

1. Even if you don't do what's wrong you may not be right.
2. A plan is only as good as the trustworthiness of the players.
3. There's no such thing as not enough mosquitoes.
4. Don't pollute your past with fear, it breeds regret and shame in the present.
5. The human heart is a tesseract.
6. The land of Milk & Honey is a way better place to vacation if you aren't lactose intolerant and have diabetes.