Ineffective Foodie Sexual Euphemisms, and Pick-up Lines

1. I'm going to slap my bacon under your tomato and on top of your lettuce.
2. Let me separate your egg whites.
3. Pour your hot mixture of soybean oil, artificial flavoring, beta carotene for color, and preservatives laced with Diacetyl  all over my popcorn, baby.
4. Let me show you on the doll where I want you to touch me.
5. Do you have any aspirin? I don't think Tylenol is doing anything for this throbbing.
6. Do these Khakis make my balls look big?

Bad Ideas for CosPlay

Role playing, costume play, usually follow the convention of two roles that generally work together like Chocolate and Peanut Butter or Teacher and Schoolgirl. But they are often cliched, overused, tired, and boring. I tried to think of some good ones but instead came up with terrible ones. Enjoy.

1. Dentist and the Diva.
2. Duchess and the Time Traveling Pimp
3. Elbows and Assholes
4. Captain Hook and the Babysitter
5. Beer Belly and the Body Stocking
6. Polyphemus and Galatea

Good and Evil, Mostly Evil, and Lots of Nudity.

1. I want to live a life such that when I die they bronze my guardian angel's wings and retire his halo.

2. To be Kosher, the meat must come from something that chews cud AND has a cloven hoof. Soooooooo, an evil vegetarian is Kosher? Sweeeeeeeet.

2a. What's the difference between an Evil Vegetarian and a Vegetarian Evil? One is a scrawny cloven hoofed malcontent; the other is a scourge of meatlessness.

3. When the inevitable nude photos of me are leaked, you all will be clamoring for legal restitution and not me.

4. I miss the size of Twinkies.

5. I would very much like to win the lottery, quit work, and make art. Necessarily all of them, but not necessarily in that order.

6. The C student is just a D student with a nice rack.

Clean up on aisles 6 and 9.

Whilst taking the kid for a cheap fast lunch at the local supermarket (you know the scary one with the terrible lighting but is super convenient, on the right side of the street, and is cheap?), I witnessed perhaps the coolest thing to happen in Woodstock. Maybe there is a secret underground, underbelly, undercurrent that I am simply unaware of, but I think this was special.

An absolutely knock-down, drag-out, stone-cold, gorgeous woman dressed to kill in a retro little black dress, real stockings with the line up the back, teetering on the highest of heels, with a big red flower in her hair is strutting through the store. With her is a tall, broad, shaved bald, obviously tattooed, and mildly imposing gentlemen. I can't figure out whether he is her boyfriend, client, or "handler."

The two of them make their way with a cart toward the back of the store where the bakery is. Jubilee and I make our way through the market in no particular hurry or any discernable pattern, often hitting the same aisle 3 times. I see them talking to various store employees until I notice that the cart begins to fill with, what appears to be day old cakes and cream pies. Once that is full (!) they get another cart and fill it with store brand milk and package flats of instant pudding - all flavors.

Jubilee, as charming to one as to all, is wowed by the cart full of deserts and the pretty lady gives her a smile. Jubilee runs off to rant about how we need supplied for some imaginary surprise party. By the time we get to the checkout line, the strange couple is behind us. They have added lawn sized garbage bags to their two carts of cakes, pies, and pudding fixins. 

It occurs to me that I have seen something about this before. These two aren't heading for any ordinary party; they are heading to a WAM (Wet and Messy) or  Splosh party.

And maybe it's not a party at all, but an event or a photo shoot or a private engagement. Whatever the destination, this pretty lady is gonna sit on stuff, get covered by things, and men will cheer and gnash their teeth. Oh my! Right here in Woodstock. I need to shop for dinner more often.

Your Favorite Band Sucks and So Does Everything Else

1. If the best example of your genre sucks then your genre sucks.
2. Absinthe makes the heart grow ♫flarnderrrrrrrr®®®®§‰¢♫
3. Apparently mouth ulcers and external haemorrhoids can be treated with, wait for it... teabagging.
4. Art is not a crime... yet.
5. All things considered, I'll have a Fizzy Lifting Drink with a twist of lime.
6. What would a Möbius Strip Club be like? I suspect you get a lot for your dollar.

Bones and Skin, Transformations and Titles

1. I got grindmarks on my hipbones and gnawmarks on my neckbones.
2. In this version of the End of Days, we are no longer bedeviled and bewitched but bevamped and bezombied.
3. My skin feels alive and I'm not high. When the endorphins wear off, I suspect, I will find myself on the highway to ibuprofin.
4. As I get older, my enjoyment of onion increases. I fear I am becoming my grandmother.
5. How come the Cat in the Hat won't come get the Mouse in my House? Pussy.
6. If I could choose a job and its title for myself, I propose Billionaire Cunt, MD.

Hearts, Heads, Hands, and Hooch

1. How many pioneers died on the trail to the promise of your heart?
2. I had a dream that I wore a medieval style male chastity belt to my 40th birthday party and there were a series of endurance events, mental trials, and object auctions to get the actual key to open it.
3. I need the Like button for everything in this online life. Let's start by installing one on the top of your head.
4. If we start calling all our problems "The Troubs" then they sound more like a nice sitcom family than soul crushing issues of life and death.
5. Looking at you makes me salivate (Is it the kind right before you throw up?)
6. I've got a can of sterno in my pants and it's burning for you.

Not Every Day is a Gem

1. I inadvertently changed the dial on my electric razor from Sensitive to Sexy.
2. If I could star in my own cop show I'd call it Manhammer.
3. I'm not sure why Roger gets the credit, but you're all getting a good Rogering for your birthdays.
4. The fastest way to a man's heart is a railroad spike.
5. Wearing a costume doesn't make you mysterious, it makes you awesome.
6. You can leave your shoes on, but the hat has to go.