Friday, October 30, 2009

Additional Instructions and Warnings that should be on the Box of Capsaicin:

I am quickly turning into an old man with aches and pains that Ben-gay can't touch. Sadly, I have upped the dosage on those athletic rubs to their maximum and even the strongest of them is no more effective than putting a stick of spearmint gum on my knee. So I have moved on to the rough stuff - Capsaicin. The active ingredient is the same pepper compounds as you'll find in mace. Yes the pepper spray used to incapacitate bad guys and grandmas with bad attitudes (both sprayed just before the eventual tasing). Anyhow, so I used this stuff in earnest and in copious amounts last night and here are some things I learned that might have been nice to know beforehand:

1) If you are going to take a bath so hot you could make human broth, do not apply directly after. Apparently the heat opens your pores creating direct pathways to your nerves. Imagine pouring hot sauce into a hole in your skin and you can't wash it off.

2) Soap and water are a good start in removing excess cream, but time is a better mellowing agent. Even after washing, you still might transfer some of it to another body part if it is physically heated, includes extended contact, or vigorous rubbing.

3) Gentlemen, beware not to fiddle, even mindlessly. You may love hot peppers on your hot dog but you won't want mace on your wiener.

4) Unless you enjoy the stinging nettle sensation of a Jellyfish tickle session, then there should be no reason to ever apply the cream to the back of your knee or the inside of your elbow.

5) If you take a shower the next day in water hot enough to steam sterilize silverware and brew coffee, then the heat may reactivate the cream even the next day.

6) If you are putting cream on your lower appendages, make sure it is after you at least have underwear on. Pulling on clothes could transfer the cream to other parts of the body along the path. See #4.

7) You know you're not supposed to scratch the area before or after application. That is common sense because you don't want to break the skin. Don't forget though, that scratching the area would deposit the cream under your fingernails. And you don't really want that stuff burning under your fingertips. The feeling of shooting fireballs from your fingers in cool in a magic show or on a cartoon.
Posted by at No comments:
Labels: , ,

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Where's My Robot Dog?


Ever since I saw the movie C.H.O.M.P.S. when I was 8, I have wanted a robot dog. Given what seemed possible in 1979 and the advances in both computing and micro-circuitry since then, we should have a full functioning robot pet by now. AIBO was cool but not very personable and certainly not affordable. Also, it couldn't navigate stairs or catch a frisbee. Or run down a car and catch it with robotic jaws or find a kid buried in the snow with its super smelling detectors or whatever.

It's not like I am asking for the ubiquitous request for a jetpack. I completely understand the issues with steering guidance and landing. I also understand the implicit dangers to the legs of anybody wearing the jetpack with regards to either the flammable fuel or the compressed (cold) air used for propulsion.

No, I am just asking for my own robot pet. I'd even have been happy with a mildly intelligent robot snake. Not so cuddly but if it could follow me around and maybe carry a payload of a Payday - I'd be satisfied. But as it is, I am just disappointed with the situation. Really disappointed.

FYI: Hot gluing Erector set pieces to a rescue dog is ill-advised. And if you a teen-aged boy, you are likely to find yourself on a serial killer watch-list after they find the "suped-up" canine.
Posted by at No comments:
Labels:

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

The Eye in the Sky?

When I was a kid, I taped The Eye in the Sky by Alan Parsons Project off the radio. I listened to it over an over again. I won't admit to singing it at the top of my lungs in the privacy of my locked bedroom, but it's possible.

This morning on the drive to work it came on the radio. Ah, nostalgia.

As I'm singing along again in my musical flashback, there is a problem. I have mis-remembered the lyrics. Perhaps I always have had them wrong.

The real lyrics:

Chorus:
I am the eye in the sky
Looking at you
I can read your mind
I am the maker of rules
Dealing with fools

What I was singing?

I am the maker of rules
Destroying fools

Apparently my Eye in the Sky was a little more vengeful than Alan's.
Posted by at 1 comment:

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

At Least it's Not the Heartbreak of Psoriasis

That pain you feel isn't heartbreak or depression, it's just Old Age slipping its rusty needle behind your kneecaps and your eyes and injecting its poison.
Posted by at No comments:

Jubilee's First Pun

Jubilee said she didn't want to go to the farmers market. She wanted to go to the near-mers market.
Posted by at No comments:

Craigslist Descriptions

OK OK Yes, technically it is true that you could say a cheap crappy desk made out of MDF is an "All Wood Desk". Technically a homemade table built out of paper towel rolls would be considered "Custom Wood Table" or a paper airplane would be "Classic Wood Construction Flyer".
Posted by at No comments:

Dreams of Reunion

I have been dreaming of our Reunion the last few nights. Not the real one but a John Hughes version. It's kind of a last-night-in-town scenario where everybody is trying to squeeze in all the reacquainting into a 48 hour period before we all run back to... our lives. The dreams include much more nudity and poor judgment than I remember from the actual Reunion.
Posted by at No comments:

80's Slogans

Wondering what other Skittles slogans were tried before "Taste the Rainbow" took the job. It was the 80s so it's possible that "Deregulate the Rainbow", "Attempt to Assassinate the Rainbow" and "Snort the Rainbow" were considered.

The failed "This is your brain on Skittles" commercial aired only once and was discontinued due to nightmares and the fact that it looked like a hot skillet full of clown vomit.
Posted by at No comments:

Friday, October 9, 2009

He's My President, but... The Peace Prize?

President Obama just received the Nobel Peace prize. I voted for him and I still stand by my President, but the nominations happened about 2 weeks after he was elected. There is no doubt that the world looked on in anticipation at him being our President. There is no doubt that there are countries that looked at us more favorably with him as the potential Pres. But to say that he actively pursued peace and achieved great enough success to want receiving the Nobel Peace Prize? No, I don't think so. Also, he wasn't out there as a Senator working toward peace, so that's not an accomplishment he can call his own either.

That being said, some of my more conservative and right-leaning friends have gotten really bent out of shape and have been using it to further their cause that he is not effective. To address that, I have written the following bit of fiction - a parable if you will.

If you are a Bus Driver and you inherit a farm on which an evil scientist created a shit-cyclone that randomly wipes out cities in the tri-state area... would that make YOU the bad guy? Or are you the guy that is simply responsible for trying to quiet the shitstorm and fix the damage?

No matter how optimistic you are or how much you talk big about what you're going to do with the farm once it's rid of its terribly smelly and deadly problems, that still doesn't make you an evil scientist. Truthfully, it doesn't get you a 4H award either. Not until the farm is working again.
Posted by at No comments:
Labels: ,

Thursday, September 10, 2009

On "Conservative Family Values"

If you came into a country where they had strict laws against molesting livestock, where they preached against it in their churches, where children were strictly warned against the practice, and where the subject caused almost hysterical condemnation it's not because you've run into a country of animal-rights activists. You've come to a country of sheepfuckers.

People so concerned with the evil of sins tend to be the ones who think about it the most.
Posted by at No comments:

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Homework Assignment: Discuss

Posted by at No comments:

Friday, July 17, 2009

Girl Talk - Feed The Animals Tracks

Feed the Animals by Girl Talk

Track listing


An incomplete list of sampled tracks is included under each song.
However, the CD includes a list of source material, listing both the
song and the artist. Each track is named after a lyric contained in one of the songs it samples.



1. "Play Your Part (Pt. 1)" - 4:45




2. "Shut the Club Down" - 3:07




3. "Still Here" - 3:57




4. "What It's All About" - 4:15




5. "Set It Off" - 3:42




6. "No Pause" - 3:12




7. "Like This" - 3:21




8. "Give Me a Beat" - 4:12




9. "Hands in the Air" - 4:20




10. "In Step" - 3:23




11. "Let Me See You" - 4:04




12. "Here's the Thing" - 4:46




13. "Don't Stop" - 2:58




14. "Play Your Part (Pt. 2)" - 3:25




Unindentified samples


The following tracks were sampled on the album and listed on the "Source Material" inlet of the album, but the track in which the track is sampled is currently unknown.



Posted by at No comments:

In Praise of Girl Talk

I have mentioned this album to several people, but it bears repeating. In fact, it bears writing about it a little. "Feed the Animals" by Girl Talk is a tremendous album that comes on like the final exam for a Master Class in pop music. It contains bits and pieces of hundreds of songs put together like a whole new language. Some people ahve dismissed it as a set of DJ tracks or remixes, but that is a gross misunderstanding of the encyclopedic knowledge of music and skill required to create this album. Imagine taking the all the songs you know and, instead of mixing those songs together in a giant crossfading mixtape, taking just the best parts of those songs and matching the beats and keys of each little part while layering them on top of each other to create a new song.

I challenge you to listen to it and write down the songs you think you hear. Then go to this list and check your work. The crazy part is that the list is not comprehensive.

Oh, and it'll make your head move in the car, your rump shake in the kitchen, and your toes tap in the office. Provided you have headphones on, because there is a fair amount of expletives heavily seasoned throughout.

Now enjoy.
Posted by at No comments:

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Fun for a dollar

There is a bag of chips in the vending machine weighing in at a hefty 1.75oz that costs a dollar. I believe I can get 1.75oz of something more fun for a dollar.

At least I thought so. Turns out I was mostly wrong about the amount of fun you can purchase for a dollar. Here's some examples:
-63-piece Disney "Pirates of the Carribbean: At World's End" puzzle
-Box of 220 facial tissues
-Who's Your Daddy energy drink
-2.2 pound bag of bananas... Read More
-10 pack of Zack Farms hot dogs
-1.5 foot x 1 foot American flag w/ plastic stick

Upon further review,my original hypothesis is correct. The world is your oyster - for a dollar!

Get yourself a 3 pk. Corex brand "Family Condom"

and when they don't work ...
One Time U-Check Pregnancy Test Kit
According to the box you can "use any time of day". Helpful tip.

Fret not because the fashion world is also represented for a dollar.
How about this "scarf"

These Lace Panties in sizes S/M/L (sorry bigger girls, no XL) but they do come in assorted colors (pre stained?)

Don't leave home without your "Cell phone eyeshadow keychain"

If you are a domestic god(dess) on a budget you might appreciate these:
1 qt milk container

The "ceramic chicken pie maker"

How about when your banana gets that not-so-fresh feeling? Use a Mesh banana bag
(Maybe this should have been in the fashion section?)

And to combat the age-old problem of stale sandwich cookies, and only for a dollar?

Wow, what CAN'T you do for a dollar these days? Can I borrow one?
Posted by at No comments:
Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)